Well, the finalists are in for the Heinz commercials, and I'm not one of them. >pout<

A brief review of the finalists (visible at TopThisTV.com) shows that Trey & I really didn't have a chance at all. A professional level of polish is visible on at least 10 of the 15. Only 5 of the 15 contain animation. Four of those are stop motion and the fifth is a very impressive dancing ketchup bottle that I couldn't have rendered on my home computer. Trey suspected that a commercial would have to feature children to win, but only 5 of the commercials have kids (and one of those has America's favorite slapstick comedic moment: a blow to the family jewels, so it's probably the winner).

The most notable thing about the commercials is that all but 2 or 3 spent some real time and money on either locations, sets, actors, animation, or ketchup bottles. Heinz must have made a fortune from the contestants alone last quarter. I guess you have to spend money to make commercials.

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In the late 80s, I watched Marc Summers as the host of Nickelodeon's Double Dare. By the turn of the millennium, I was watching Marc Summers as the host of the History Channel's History IQ. Now I watch Marc Summers as the host of Food Network's Unwrapped. This progression pretty much sums up the aging process: messy childhood, know-it-all teenager, forced-to-cook-for-yourself adulthood.

(Note that I never watched Marc Summers as the co-host of Lifetime's Biggers and Summers. I simply refuse to watch anything on Lifetime. It's a channel devoted to the equivalent of after-school specials for housewives.)

You watch most television personalities play characters. Usually poorly. I enjoyed David Hasselhoff for his "portrayals" of Michael Knight and Mitch Buchannon. I'm fond of William Shatner for playing Captain Kirk and about one hundred guest star appearances, all of them equally way over-the-top. And don't get me started on My Favorite Martian / The Magician / The Incredible Hulk star Bill Bixby. (I'd recognize Bix before some members of my family.) But Marc Summers always plays Marc Summers.

I'm pretty sure that in another 25 years, I'll be flipping channels and still see Marc Summers, looking none the worse for time, hosting a show deep into my cable dial (maybe hosting the show You've Fallen: Can You Get Up?). It's a comforting thought, really. Some things don't change.

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My brother has taught my mother's Boston Terrier, Mister, a trick. When he lifts the dog over his head and gives the command "Superman," Mister pushes his front legs forward and his rear legs back, holding them roughly parallel to the ground in a pose similar to that always used by Krypto in flight. Mister is a lot smaller than Krypto, and like all Bostons, he wears a black cowl, so he looks more like a flying canine sidekick for the Hamburglar than anything else. But its a swell trick nonetheless.

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Bill Clinton recently lamented the country's fixation on Britney Spears as "wrong." To whom did Bill make this candid assessment? TV Land advertisers and executives. TV Land is owned by MTV Networks/Viacom, and is a sister network to VH1, the all-celebrities-all-the-time channel. Careful, Bill. "Integrity" and "Family Values" have never exactly been in your personal platform, don't start changing sides now. Stick with "feeling her pain," and it will all work out okay: Hillary will head back to the white house and you'll get a second shot at interns.

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I called my brother and said, "come over to my house and help me put up some curtains."

"Hanging curtains is for women," he said.

"No," I said, "I mean we've got to install some curtain rods."

And he replied, "Oh, ok. Installing curtain rods is manly."

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Yesterday morning, three schools in Cave Creek, Arizona were locked-down when a student reported seeing Batman rush across the school's lawn and leap over a fence. The eyewitness described Batman as 6' 3" tall and probably male. I wonder if that height description included the bat-ears?

I'm sure that the lock-down was an appropriate response, because Batman has some terribly psychotic and lethal foes that could do some real harm to children. Though, to be fair, I think the Joker would probably take a lock-down situation as a challenge rather than a deterrent.

This situation was reported by the Associated Press and was spread widely throughout international news media, especially on the internet, which is populated 24 hours a day by the sort of geeks who think that is a great story. (AZfamily.com used the headline "Joker Pulls Batman Stunt," by far the most clever of all competition.) Now people who have no idea where Cave Creek is know that Batman was nearby on Valentine's Day. And where there's a Batman sighting, there's a mystery to be solved!

Cave Creek, by the way, is just north of Scottsdale/Phoenix and immediately west of Carefree, home of both the world's largest sundial and the world's largest kachina doll. (Calendar Man or Maxie Zeus on the loose, perhaps?) Giant props? Those are right up Batman's alley. Dick Sprang, legendary artist on the Batman comics in the 1940s and 1950s whose trademark illustrations commonly included giant props, retired to Prescott, Arizona in the 1970s. Prescott is less than two hours north of Carefree. Coincidence? Batman doesn't believe in them.

I hope that the Metropolitan Phoenix area police appreciated the help that they received from the Dark Knight Detective in whatever crime he was in town to prevent or solve. Clearly they are towing the same official line as the Gotham police, denying that Batman was even present. According to the AP, Scottsdale Police Sergeant Mark Clark (if that is his real name!) said, "it's just one of those interesting little stories that we looked into, but we couldn't find anyone." Of course they couldn't find anyone: it's the Batman!

It is worth noting that the school district involved has issued a statement in which they proclaim that the sighting was "the result of a false reporting by a student." The student remains unnamed, and the police decline to comment on whether the student will be disciplined. The perfect cover for a stray Batman sighting!

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As I mentioned, I've been relocating to new digs over the past week. What stands out about the misadventure is that less than 2 hours after being laughed at over how diligently I was tying down the tarp on the trailer hauling my furniture, the darn tarp ripped in half on the highway. (As seen below. My brother took the opportunity to chuckle at my expense.) Fortunately for me, the weather waited until after the tarp ripped to begin producing rain. Mother Nature is a woman with a sadistic sense of humor.

At least the move is complete and my computer is now (mostly) installed and running in its new location. After over 7 years, I am physically no longer living in Athens, GA. I don't know what I'll do, living in a town with less than 1 bar/liquor store per citizen.

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Today was Thanksgiving, one of the few secular "holy days" on the American calendar during the so-called "holiday season." I'd like to take this opportunity to thank my family and friends (and anyone else who visits wriphe.com, for that matter) for the enjoyment and support that you provide throughout the year. Though I am naturally an argumentative, curmudgeonly fellow, I do recognize and appreciate your contribution to my life. Thank you.

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Look, up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! It's the Sun!

I think that if I were a religious person, I'd probably worship the Sun. Sure, the Sun provides the light energy that makes life possible on Earth, and it has been worshipped by humans for as long as we've been standing upright. Links between the Sun and Christianity (the religion of the "Son") are as well established as the date for Christmas. (Interestingly, the name of the Islamic god, "Allah," may have been derived for a pagan Arabic god of the Moon, the anti-Sun. But that's not today's point.) Despite all of this, the Sun's unique relationship to modern culture goes largely ignored. The Sun gave us superheroes.

The archetype of the modern costumed hero, Superman is powered directly by the Sun. The rays of the Earth's yellow sun charge Superman's amazing Kryptonian physique, allowing him the powers of flight, super sense, and invulnerability. Without the Sun, there's no Man of Steel. That makes the Sun directly responsible for Earth's greatest champion.

The anti-Superman, Batman, is also controlled by the Sun. Unlike Superman, Bruce Wayne has no alien physiology, and must limit his crime-fighting to survivable situations. He chose to adopt a demonic costume and fight in the dark, knowing that his training, combined with mankind's inherent fear of the unknown ("Things That Go Bump in the Dark") will give him an edge against the criminal element. The fictitious construct that is "The Batman" could not function in daylight, and only inspires fear in situations where the Sun is absent. (You can't have a Dark Knight without the dark night.) Again, the abilities and character of one of the archetypical heroes of modern culture, The Batman, is determined directly by the Sun.

As if those two weren't great enough examples of the Sun's influence on American popular culture in general and the superhero in specific, the modern archetype for the superheroic family/team, the Fantastic Four, gained their powers from Cosmic Rays, which by their very nature are generated by the Sun. The Sun's natural radiation must also be responsible for some of the X-Men's bizarre super-human mutations, such as those possessed by Sunspot and Dazzler.

If the Sun has provided all of these powerful and admirable superheroes with their reason for being, I can't think of anything better to devote to worshiping. It certainly makes more sense than Catholicism.

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I just realized that I've wasted my entire afternoon (the last few hours, anyway) looking at pics of abandoned amusement parks on the internet. I can't help it. I know I've mentioned it before, but I'm just fascinated by scenes of manmade structures overcome by nature. Best of all are the fallen amusement parks: titans of technology devoted to staving off mankind's worst enemy -- boredom -- left fallow and destroyed by sun, wind, water, and time. If these haunted steel and concrete skeletons are discovered by future archaeologists, what conclusions will they draw about their ancestors?

See the ruins of Chippewa Lake Park in Ohio. Wander through abandoned Dogpatch USA in Arkansas. Or, if you're feeling adventurous, visit the orient to see the remains of "waste recreational area T" or "Nominal Koka family land" in Japan, the home of the decaying theme park.

>sigh< It's like poetry for the eye.

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