"The deportations will continue until morale improves."

According to multiple generally-trustworthy news sources, that was the response that a spokesman for the Governor of Florida gave today concerning a court order that the state's immigrant detention camp in the Everglades must be closed within 60 days.

Variations of the common quip "The beatings will continue until morale improves" have existed since at least Voltaire wrote Candide in the 18th century. The sentiment is always meant satirically, as (surprise, surprise) beatings will always have the opposite effect of improving morale.

So the question becomes: did the spokesman intend his comment satirically? Is he a subversive in the unwitting Governor's employ? Does the governor want Floridians to have bad morale? Or did he read Candide and decide, like Pangloss, that we really do live in the best of all possible worlds? I think it's most likely that the spokesman only knows the phrase from ironic t-shirts. Which is a shame, as Candide is very, very good.

In any event, if the job of a spokesman is to communicate ideas with clarity, this person is bad at his job. But I suppose that if being good at your job was a requirement for governments, they would definitely be much, much smaller.

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My passport was set to expire before the end of the year, so I just requested a new one online. Just in time, too, as I may need to escape the US. From what I hear in the news, crime has run amok in DC; apparently over 1,500 convicted criminals who stormed the Capitol on January 6 are currently on the loose.

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The current federal administration has finally done something I agree with. They've stopped minting pennies.

For a long time, the buying power of one one-hundredth of a dollar hasn't stretched very far. Boomers might remember buying penny candy, but any Gen Xer will tell you that "12 cassettes for 1¢" sounded too good to be true even in the 1980s. (Nancy Reagan told us winners didn't do drugs, but she kept her trap shut about the predatory dangers of the recording industry.) There's not a lot of reason to carry around a penny when even vending machines spit them out.

The metal content of a penny is dictated by law,^[1] and although the Secretary of Treasury has some wiggle room to accommodate market forces^[2], as you might expect given their small practical value, it's now impossible to legally make a penny that costs less than what it's worth.^[3]

However, despite what The Wall Street Journal reported today,^[4] the penny isn't being legally "phased out." The U.S. Mint, a bureau of the executive branch's Department of the Treasury, has just decided it isn't going to make any more. At least at the present time. The current executive branch administration has proved it's nothing if not mercurial. Always emotion, the future is.

All those pennies the U.S. Mint has ever made?^[5] Yeah, they're still "legal tender for all debts";^[6] only Congress can really kill the penny.^[7] By law, pennies have to stay in circulation and remain legal tender until Congress says otherwise,^[8] and, as you may have noticed, Congress has had a hard time saying much of anything lately.

^[1]Source: Title 31 U.S. Code § 5112 Denominations, specifications, and design of coins. "[T]he one-cent coin is an alloy of 95 percent copper and 5 percent zinc;"

^[2] Also 31 USC § 5112: "(c) The Secretary may prescribe the weight and the composition of copper and zinc in the alloy of the one-cent coin that the Secretary decides are appropriate when the Secretary decides that a different weight and alloy of copper and zinc are necessary to ensure an adequate supply of one-cent coins to meet the needs of the United States."

^[3] U.S. Mint 2024 Annual Report, page 10, "MANAGEMENT’S DISCUSSION AND ANALYSIS (UNAUDITED)" : "The unit cost for pennies (3.69 cents) and nickels (13.78 cents) remained above face value for the 19th consecutive fiscal year."

^[4] Adedoyin, Oyin. "Treasury Sounds Death Knell for Penny Production." The Wall Street Journal May 22, 2025

^[5] Just how many pennies that is has been hard to determine. Many sources, like NBC and USA Today, are reporting 114 billion. Other sources, like Wake Forest economics department, estimates 250 billion. In either case, I think we have enough to last us a while.

^[6] Source: 31 USC § 5103 Legal Tender (1983)

^[7] Per Article 1 Section 8 Clause 5 of the United States Constitution (which, last time I checked, was still the law of the land, for whatever the law is worth these days), "[The Congress shall have Power] To coin Money, regulate the Value thereof, and of foreign Coin, and fix the Standard of Weights and Measures".

^[8]The last time Congress "phased out" a coin was the half-cent, in 1857. According to Wikipedia ("Penny debate in the United States"), the ½ cent coin in 1857 had the buying-power equivalent of "about 17 cents" in 2024 currency. On the other hand, if you had a 1857 Braided Hair Half Cent coin today, it would have a retail value upwards of $100, so you might not want to spend it on... well, what can you get for 17¢? Hmm. Maybe we should start phasing out nickels and dimes, too.

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I don't know what in specific I thought I was saving this for, so I'll just put this here:

*This is an actual quote. Though I have started repeating it in sad desperation at what now passes itself off as American government, Colbert said it largely in jest at the end of his "Meanwhile" rant on August 14, 2024, in response to a July 25, 2024, article in the Associated Press about the Ohio Supreme Court's 4-3 decision that deboned chicken wings advertised as "boneless" may still contain bones. Per the report, the majority ruled that "boneless" was a style of preparation not a guarantee, and consumers should have the common sense to consume them with due caution without dining establishments fearing lawsuits from choking victims. I tend to agree with the court here, but I can see the point of the three dissenting justices that Americans are probably much, much dumber than the court gives them credit for.

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Never read the comments. Unless...

Yes, Atlanta was one of the "Several markets." Yes, I saw the commercial live. And no, I did not go to the website. I'm starting to feel like I missed out.

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"The Monkey Has a Popcorn Bucket..." reads the headline in my Google new feed.

I assumed it would be a story about the sorry state of creatively bankrupt Hollywood studio executives making bad decisions that are somehow still celebrated by undiscriminating audiences.

But no. Apparently, there's going to be another of those "collectible" popcorn buckets to promote a movie based on Stephen King's 1980 short story, The Monkey.

Which, when you think about it, is pretty much the same thing.

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On Thursday, September 19, as reported by Fox 5 Atlanta, "a man was taken to the hospital after officials say he was shot by deputies during a confrontation in Coweta County overnight." That confrontation (in which the shooting victim charged police with a weapon but survived the encounter) began as a domestic violence disturbance in the home of the man's parents right here in my neighborhood.

On Friday, September 20, as reported by 11 Alive News Atlanta, "a Newnan man is facing a murder charge in the shooting death of a woman at a local gun shop late Friday night." That man, the owner of the gun shop, lives in his former grandfather's home in my neighborhood.

To be clear, they are not the same man.

Multiple news sources have posted their mugshots. Both of them are middle-aged, overweight, bald, white men. The only thing keeping a witness from picking me instead of them from a police lineup is that I don't have a beard, a distinction that I'll be sure to maintain.

They've always told me I was most likely to die within 10 miles of my home, I just didn't think it would be at the hands of one of my neighbors. Just to be safe, ya'll might want to stay away from my 'hood for a while.

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It is not so long ago that a member of the Diplomatic Body in London, who had spent some years of his service in China, told me that there was a Chinese curse which took the form of saying, "May you live in interesting times." There is no doubt that the curse has fallen on us.

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So the debate last night between an old white guy and a marginally less old white guy who led an effort to overthrow constitutional democracy for his personal benefit didn't go well. Big deal.

If you didn't know who you were voting for already, it's only because you haven't been paying attention. If you haven't been paying attention, you really shouldn't be voting.

If there's any outrage to be had here, it's only that the guy who led an effort to overthrow constitutional democracy for his personal benefit is being allowed to interview for the same job. If that one wins, it's only because Americans have decided that they are tired of living in a constitutional democracy, which, as much as I may disagree with it, is their right to do.

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