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Today is the University of Georgia's annual G-Day game practice, the unofficial start of the 2017 hype season. This marks Kirby Smart's second year as head coach. You may recall he was hired to take the team to the next level after Athletic Director Greg McGarity lost faith in Mark Richt. Let's just say that year one wasn't everything Bulldog Nation hoped it would be.

So how does Smart kick off year two? By demanding that the media not report on injuries unless he gives permission. Even if the player breaks his leg in front of a television camera.

What the fuck, Kirby?

Hey, man, I get it. You're a tin-pot dictator who gets paid millions of dollars a year to boss around children. That shit goes to your head. Last year, you somehow convinced the Georgia State legislature to pass a law allowing you to extend delays in responding to open records requests from three days to three months. It's only logical that the next step in your plan for world domination would be to refuse the release of any information at all.

The only question I have is how is this media gag order supposed to help UGA win football games? Did the Bulldogs go 4-4 in SEC games last year because our opponents knew Jacob Eason was a Freshman? Did Vanderbilt get its 3rd win versus Georgia in 22 tries because reporters told them ahead of time that the Bulldogs couldn't stop a 75-yard drive in the final quarter? Did Tennessee's Hail Mary to defeat Georgia with only zeroes showing on the clock happen because they'd read news reports about the secondary's practice habits in the week prior to the game? As I recall, it was Nick Chubb's mother who released information about the extent of his knee injury in 2015, by the way. Good luck stopping her from talking to the press in 2017, Coach.

Hey, sports reporters, if you see something, say something. I have a hunch you'll still have a job in two years. Coach Smart I'm not so sure about.

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A man was run over by a deer on April Fool's Day. This is not a joke. I never joke about deer.

The man, one Cary McCook, had just gotten out of his truck and was minding his own business when he was hit by the deer. He wasn't in the middle of a forest, either, but was standing in front of a hotel. Nowhere is safe from the Great Deer Uprising, people!

However, this wasn't a premeditated mugging. It happens that this time, the deer was fleeing man's best friend. Good dog! That means that Mr. McCook wasn't a target as much as he was collateral damage. There's friendly fire in all wars.

First bigfeet joined humanity's opposition to our deer oppressors (as we learned last month), and now, dogs. That's both ends of the animal kingdom. What's next? Ticks?

The tide is turning against you, deer. Give up while you still can.

Their fight would be adorable

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Six Flags, the United Airlines of theme parks, is getting an early start this year. It's still spring, and already they've got trouble. This time, the broken ride was the Joker's Jinx at Six Flags America leaving 24 riders stuck for 3 hours.

It seems like just last year that I was railing against Six Flag's themed rides that glorify a psychopathic serial mass murderer. My opinion hasn't changed. You mess with the Joker, you get murdered. Or stuck 100 feet in the air for hours, whichever comes first.

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Given that earlier this week we saw the Republican majority in the Senate change their own rules to allow them to steal a seat on the Supreme Court, it might be interesting to note that the 17th Amendment to the Constitution became law on this day in 1913. The 17th Amendment calls for Senators to be elected by the people, not appointed by the state legislatures. Try and imagine something like that passing in 2017.

Amending the Constitution requires a 2/3 vote in both houses of Congress. These days, votes are taken almost strictly down party lines. Unless one party or another gains 2/3 of both the House and Senate, modifying the Constitution is impossible. (Perhaps that's why the Republicans deny global warming exists. If they can stall long enough, the liberal coasts will be underwater, and they'll be free to do whatever they want.)

The last Constitutional Amendment to be successfully ratified was the 27th, adopted in 1992. That might seem kind of recent until you realize that the amendment was first proposed as part of the original Bill of Rights in 1789. It had to wait 202 years before final adoption. What does the 27th Amendment do? It prevents Congress from doing the only thing it's likely to agree on: giving itself a pay raise.

At the current level of partisanship in this country, it might be 202 years until we see them agree on anything else.

It's true what they say: Rome didn't fall in a day.

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Cherry Coke finally reached China last month, and Coca-Cola promoted its launch with cans featuring a caricature of billionaire investor Warren Buffett.

Stop and think about that. If you put Warren Buffett's face on something in America, no one would even know who the hell he was. ("Steve Martin sure got old!") Name one person from China whose face might influence you to buy a product. Take your time. I'll wait.

The reason I mention this is not to denigrate Americans — they don't need me for that; they're doing so well themselves — is because of how Bloomberg News reported it.

At his company's annual meeting last year, [Buffett] said his happiness from drinking soda outweighs health benefits from eating more vegetables.

That must have been painful to publish. Bloomberg's founder and owner, Michael Bloomberg, is behind the nationwide push to tax sodas. According to Warren Buffett, that's the same as taxing happiness. (I bet nobody's taxing broccoli.) Whose word are you going to take for that? I know who the Chinese trust.

Science backs up Bloomberg. Sugar overconsumption is a nationwide problem. However, I doubt anyone with a net worth of $75 billion worries much about healthcare. But then, neither do the Chinese, 95% of whom have basic health insurance coverage. That just one more thing they're doing better than us.

So drink up, China. You can afford it, and America sure could use the help.

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Earlier this week, a woman in Idaho hit a deer with her car. That's not much of a news story. People hit deer with their cars all the time. StateFarm considers Idaho a high risk state, with a 1 in 147 chance that a driver will collide with a deer. Yet this particular story appeared in newspapers and television broadcasts across the country. Why?

Because the driver said that a sasquatch made it happen.

According to the original report in the Moscow-Pullman Daily News:

A 50-year-old Tensed woman driving south on U.S. Highway 95 reported seeing a sasquatch chasing a deer on the side of the road late Wednesday night near milepost 367 north of Potlatch, according to the Latah County Sheriff’s Office. She told the sheriff's office she checked one of her mirrors to take a second look at the 7- to 8-foot tall “shaggy” object and after she refocused her eyes onto the road the deer ran in front of her. She struck it with her Subaru Forester.

Part of the beauty of this report is the level of detail. This story must be true. A Subaru Forester wouldn't lie.

Obviously, we can draw only one possible conclusion. Humanity has found another ally in our war against deerkind. The enemy of our enemy is our friend. Got get 'em, Bigfoot!

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I make fun of newspapers a lot, but they're not always the problem. For example, today I read this Newnan Times-Herald lede:

"Coweta County Crooner Richard Hawk is now officially a member of the Georgia Child Fatality Review Panel."

Yes, I thought it was odd that a singer would be appointed to such an important sounding government position, but this is 2017. We have a brain surgeon running government housing, a movie producer directing the treasury, an anti-science lawyer scuttling the EPA, a bespectacled idiot in charge of a department he can't remember the name of, and a game show host in the White House (on weekdays — on weekends he pretends to be an amateur golfer in Florida). In that light, a singer taking a state government position doesn't seem so strange.

But that's not what the paper really said. After I had my breakfast and was thinking more clearly, I realized that the man wasn't a "crooner" but a "coroner." Appointing a professional coroner makes way more sense for a Fatality Review Panel.

If only the federal government was so rational.

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As if having a professional clown[1] for a president wasn't bad enough, it has recently been reported that Donald Trump might raise the price of comic books[2].

For years, DC Comics has been using Canadian companies to print their comics[3]. Under the North American Free Trade Agreement, US companies were able to import those comics duty free[4]. Given the quality of most mainstream comics today[5], this has effectively become the equivalent of the US taking in Canada's toxic waste for free, so you can see why Trump would want to stop this in order to make America great again.

Trump's protectionist objectives call for rolling back NAFTA[6] and raising tariffs of up to 10% on all imports[7], including presumably comic books. Because if there's anything that helps stimulate the economy, it's stifling imports[8].

Assuming DC continues their current practice of printing in Canada, they'd pay more to get them to consumers. Something tells me they'd just pass that cost increase on to us[9]. In 2016, new comics already averaged $3.89 per issue[10]. By 2018, a single book could cost more than a Big Mac[11]. If Americans are forced to choose between comics and Big Macs, we might be looking at the end of an industry[12]. Should that happen, we can be sure that Trump won't notice. He doesn't read[13].

But I guess I shouldn't complain. Who needs comic books when your president is a living caricature[14]?

Footnotes follow (because in Trump's America everyone has to justify his own alternative facts[15]):

1. Pruitt, Bill. "Exclusive: A Former Apprentice Producer Responds to Donald Trump Being Elected President" Vanityfair.com

2. Marston, George. "Could TRUMP's Trade Policy Plans Affect Comic Book Prices?" Newsarama.com

3. I just looked inside comics I have that are 10 years old, so it's been going on for at least a decade.

4. "North American Free Trade Agreement" wikipedia.org

5. Quicksilver, Chris. "10 Most Harmful Trends In Comics Today" whatculture.com

6. Walker, Kristen. "Trump to Sign Executive Order on Plan to Renegotiate NAFTA With Mexico, Canada" cnbc.com

7. King, Jon and Diamond, Jeremy. "Trump team floats a 10% tariff on imports" cnn.com

8. Murphy, John G. "Would a Tariff Wall Really Protect U.S. Jobs?" uschamber.com

9. Jacobson, Louis. "Donald Trump has floated big tariffs. What could the impact be?" politifact.com

10. Miller, John Jackson. "Average comic book ordered in 2016 cost $3.85, down 11 cents" comichron.com

11. Currently $4.15 in Georgia. fastfoodmenuprices.com

12. Saria Lauren. "Want to Know How Many Big Macs Are Sold in the U.S. Every Second? (Hint: It's More Than a Dozen)" phoenixnewtimes.com

13. Fisher, Marc. "Donald Trump doesn’t read much. Being president probably wouldn’t change that." washingtonpost.com

14. Giedre. "15+ Cartoonists Around The World Illustrate How They Feel About Trump Becoming President" boredpanda.com

15. Waldman, Katy. "Lies, Damned Lies, and Amazing New Euphemisms for Lying" boredpanda.com

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The proletarian revolution of 2017 has begun. As reported by WGCL-TV of Atlanta:

Sales associates at the Nalley Lexus of Roswell received an unexpected visitor Monday afternoon. According to the company's Facebook page, the deer jumped through an open window before running around the office and sending patrons inside on high alert.

Video shows people dashing for cover as the vandal charged into the dealership and began a rampage that trashed furniture and glass doors. Eyewitnesses report that as the deer ran into the street, it shouted, "I'll be back."

And you know it's all true, because the news came from Facebook.

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I have been accused of being overzealous in my crusade to save humanity from its cervidae would-be conquerors. To paraphrase a quote from America's inspirational president-elect, I would rather live one day as a lion than 100 years as a deer. It turns out that I'm not the only one.

According to the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, a homeowners' association in neighboring Fayette County has a plan to deal with its "dangerous" deer problem. Instead of pussyfooting around with traps or sterilization, the Whitewater Creek Country Club Homeowners Association is planning to call in a team of federal sharpshooters. I assume they're talking about SEAL Team 6.

Naturally, any plan this bold will have its detractors. In this case, the bleeding heart residents have formed an opposition group they've named Concerned Citizens Against Deer Eradication. It's pretty clear they don't know what they're doing. CCADE is a terrible acronym.

The newspaper completely omits just how CCADE is planning to stop the WCCCHOA from executing its plan. It says they have hired "a Washington DC law firm," but I'm not sure how that's going to help. This is America. If there's anything we have more of than lawyers, it's bullets.

When will liberal, country club dwelling people learn? When it comes to remorseless deer marauding across your drought resistant Zoysia lawn or eating your organically fertilized, gluten free cucumbers, there's only one solution. Build a wall. And if you can get your neighbors to pay for it, all the better.

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