Wriphe.com: The Blog 2019

New school year.

Excuse me, miss

I think you're sitting on something

Look into the face of madness!

Same old shit.

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Maybe I'm just jealous that they didn't sell poop-shaped toys when I was three years old, but no. Just no.

I *wouldn't* buy that for a dollar

I don't know what's wrong with kids in 2019. Back in my day, everyone came with their own poop slime formula.

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Dad update: he's now in his third hospital in as many weeks.

First he had heart surgery in Atlanta to replace a malfunctioning mitral valve. He came home for a couple of days before shortness of breath took him to the emergency room in Newnan. They diagnosed him with atrial fibrillation, a relatively common complication, and sent him to Fayetteville to have a pacemaker installed.

Doctors say he should be fine. I agree. He's already proven that for a guy with a bad heart, Dad can really get around.

Meanwhile, this side-effects poster was on the wall of his third room:

Someone in hospital administration is an Osmosis Jones fan

A closer look reveals a very familiar "face."

This is why nurses wear gloves

EVEN IN HOSPITALS.

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When I started this series of posts, I thought that the shit emoji must be a fad that would lose its appeal over time. I was wrong.

That kid must feel so much relief

Yes, I showed you a floating pile of shit last year, but that one was recommended for ages 9 and up. This one is suitable for 7-year-olds. Next year expect shit-shaped water wings.

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WorkWise software has taken the unusual step of blogging about Google searches for ice cream flavor by U.S. state to drive traffic to their website. It's a great idea because it works. I was just there looking at their breakdown of flavors to see if any states preferred my personal favorite flavor, mint chocolate chip. (Answer: only New Jersey.) It turns out that exactly one state loves Superman.

That's right. According to Google Trends data, the flavor that citizens of Michigan search for most is Superman. Technically, this doesn't mean that anyone in Michigan is nuts about tri-colored blue/red/yellow dairy treats, just that a whole lot of people were curious enough about it to type it into Google. My guess is they were actually asking "what flavor is Superman ice cream?"

I've seen Superman ice cream in the wild, though I'm not remotely adventurous enough to have tried it. I'm pretty sure that "blue" isn't a flavor, and whatever it tastes like, I can't imagine that it goes well with lemon and cherry.

Interestingly, Edy's/Dreyer's makes a DC Comics-themed line of ice cream flavors which naturally includes a Superman variety. You might think it would be Superman flavored. It's not.

Personally, I'd stay away from Krypton™ Cookie Dough ice cream. Everyone knows Krypton explodes.

While "cookie dough light ice cream" might seem like a missed opportunity for a Superman-branded flavor, the most popular Google Trends search was far and away cookies and cream (the favorite in 13 states, including Georgia). If cookies are the American way, then I guess it makes sense that's what Superman should be selling.

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I have featured Grumpy Cat not once but twice on this here blog. This will mark the third, and very likely last, time. Grumpy, aka Tardar Sauce died Friday at the tender age of 7.

Cats don't belong in Heaven

Wired.com has an article on how Grumpy's passing marks the end of the "Joyful Internet." I'd say it's the period on the sentence.

As a web developer, I'm keenly aware that gone are the days of HomestarRunner and Flash games. Everything has to fit on a smartphone screen now, and most of what is left that can be called "content" is driven by a small number of corporate behemoths (mostly Facebook and Google). The contemporary Internet is the 21st century equivalent of a shopping mall in too many ways. In 25 years, we'll probably be paving it over to make a parking lot for whatever comes next.

You can't fight progress.

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I helped a friend do some work around his house last week, and I spotted this, the tumbler he uses to hold his 6-year-old daughter's juice.

Put your lips on this

Normally, when I see this sort of thing, I'm left wondering what the owner could be thinking. However, I've known Randy long enough to know that this isn't a thoughtless accident. He probably gets a kick out of watching his little girl suck shit.

I suppose if you have a child, you get to decide what to do with it. Kids are just pets that can talk!

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Bill Ingram Posted May. 14, 2019 at 11:59:31 PM
You would know about pets that cannot talk. Either you kick them when someone other’s pets are underfoot, or you accept your own dogs no matter how often they are “underfoot”. And they were always underfoot. How do you decide which dogs you viciously kick, and which ones, of your own, you grace with their omnipresent interference in the walking paths of a normal home? I liked your dogs. I did not care for their unquestioned acceptance as a necessary obstructive presence in a home. You did not care for Chewey. Ergo, your kicks and yelling, and your obvious celebration at his demise. I await your lame defense, and your mother’s defensive justification of your existence.
But, then, you eventually kick and yell at everyone whom you fear, FEAR, is invading your space. Ask your brother.

Wriphe [Official Comment]: Posted May. 15, 2019 at 01:39:14 AM
Yeah, yeah, I'm a shitty person.

I really don't know what I did to you to earn all this animosity, Bill. I assume that you resent my presence on this planet because you imagine that I did something to interfere with your relationship with my mother. (It couldn't possibly have anything to do with her discovering your own delightful personality, could it?) Whatever the case, nothing you can say to me can hurt more than my brother behaving as though I don't exist anymore. How about you follow his example? I promise to act like it bothers me.

Randy Posted May. 16, 2019 at 10:28:33 PM
Not sure I like the set of tag words you got there. I feel personally hurt by this and I think I will spend too much of my time and energy commenting on your posts and such until I look like a wacko that your mom is lucky to have out of her life.

Wriphe [Official Comment]: Posted May. 17, 2019 at 12:19:25 AM
I'd be glad to have you out of Mom's life, Randy. When she found out I helped you put in those shelves, she had me put in a shelf for her. Less work all around if you'd be a gentleman and walk away now.

What should you give your loved one for Earth Day? How about leftover valentines, 50% off!

Give me one of these and it becomes a 'Friendship Ending Kit'

I mean, I know I'm old and out of touch, but I cannot imagine what would happen if I had given one of these to a classmate when I was in elementary school.

On the other hand, no would have had any problem if I'd a water gun in my backpack. *shrug*

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Mom spotted this "not gross at all" product at the dollar store:

No, it's gross

She told me that she had to take a second glance at the "slimy and sticky" blurb. On first glance, she thought it said "scratch and sniff." She couldn't believe that anyone would want scratch and sniff poo.

It wasn't 30 minutes later when we found this on an endcap at Michaels:

I'm getting too old for this shit

I admit it; I scratched, and I sniffed. Do you want to smell my finger?

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Poo you hit with a stick.

A colorful piece of shit

I'm afraid to think what might come out.

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