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Maybe I'm just jealous that they didn't sell poop-shaped toys when I was three years old, but no. Just no.
I don't know what's wrong with kids in 2019. Back in my day, everyone came with their own poop slime formula.
Dad update: he's now in his third hospital in as many weeks.
First he had heart surgery in Atlanta to replace a malfunctioning mitral valve. He came home for a couple of days before shortness of breath took him to the emergency room in Newnan. They diagnosed him with atrial fibrillation, a relatively common complication, and sent him to Fayetteville to have a pacemaker installed.
Doctors say he should be fine. I agree. He's already proven that for a guy with a bad heart, Dad can really get around.
Meanwhile, this side-effects poster was on the wall of his third room:
A closer look reveals a very familiar "face."
EVEN IN HOSPITALS.
When I started this series of posts, I thought that the shit emoji must be a fad that would lose its appeal over time. I was wrong.
Yes, I showed you a floating pile of shit last year, but that one was recommended for ages 9 and up. This one is suitable for 7-year-olds. Next year expect shit-shaped water wings.
WorkWise software has taken the unusual step of blogging about Google searches for ice cream flavor by U.S. state to drive traffic to their website. It's a great idea because it works. I was just there looking at their breakdown of flavors to see if any states preferred my personal favorite flavor, mint chocolate chip. (Answer: only New Jersey.) It turns out that exactly one state loves Superman.
That's right. According to Google Trends data, the flavor that citizens of Michigan search for most is Superman. Technically, this doesn't mean that anyone in Michigan is nuts about tri-colored blue/red/yellow dairy treats, just that a whole lot of people were curious enough about it to type it into Google. My guess is they were actually asking "what flavor is Superman ice cream?"
I've seen Superman ice cream in the wild, though I'm not remotely adventurous enough to have tried it. I'm pretty sure that "blue" isn't a flavor, and whatever it tastes like, I can't imagine that it goes well with lemon and cherry.
Interestingly, Edy's/Dreyer's makes a DC Comics-themed line of ice cream flavors which naturally includes a Superman variety. You might think it would be Superman flavored. It's not.
Personally, I'd stay away from Krypton™ Cookie Dough ice cream. Everyone knows Krypton explodes.
While "cookie dough light ice cream" might seem like a missed opportunity for a Superman-branded flavor, the most popular Google Trends search was far and away cookies and cream (the favorite in 13 states, including Georgia). If cookies are the American way, then I guess it makes sense that's what Superman should be selling.
Wired.com has an article on how Grumpy's passing marks the end of the "Joyful Internet." I'd say it's the period on the sentence.
As a web developer, I'm keenly aware that gone are the days of HomestarRunner and Flash games. Everything has to fit on a smartphone screen now, and most of what is left that can be called "content" is driven by a small number of corporate behemoths (mostly Facebook and Google). The contemporary Internet is the 21st century equivalent of a shopping mall in too many ways. In 25 years, we'll probably be paving it over to make a parking lot for whatever comes next.
You can't fight progress.
I helped a friend do some work around his house last week, and I spotted this, the tumbler he uses to hold his 6-year-old daughter's juice.
Normally, when I see this sort of thing, I'm left wondering what the owner could be thinking. However, I've known Randy long enough to know that this isn't a thoughtless accident. He probably gets a kick out of watching his little girl suck shit.
I suppose if you have a child, you get to decide what to do with it. Kids are just pets that can talk!
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What should you give your loved one for Earth Day? How about leftover valentines, 50% off!
I mean, I know I'm old and out of touch, but I cannot imagine what would happen if I had given one of these to a classmate when I was in elementary school.
On the other hand, no would have had any problem if I'd a water gun in my backpack. *shrug*
Mom spotted this "not gross at all" product at the dollar store:
She told me that she had to take a second glance at the "slimy and sticky" blurb. On first glance, she thought it said "scratch and sniff." She couldn't believe that anyone would want scratch and sniff poo.
It wasn't 30 minutes later when we found this on an endcap at Michaels:
I admit it; I scratched, and I sniffed. Do you want to smell my finger?
Poo you hit with a stick.
I'm afraid to think what might come out.
While out shopping, Mom said, "we should look and see what they have here that has the poo emoji on it." No! Bad mother! That's the opposite of what we should be doing.
My whole series of posts on this damn emoji shit is supposed to discourage through ridicule. If it is having the opposite effect, if I am somehow making poop emoji more desirable, I'll turn this blog right around, and no one will get any ice cream!
That said... I accidentally spotted this in Target last month. I'm serious. I was looking at the goods on the "As Seen on TV" aisle when I turned around and here was this, glaring at me with its many beady, dead eyes:
I found it so hard to believe that a caring parent would send their child off to elementary school with a bag of shit, I actually looked this one up online. I cut and paste the Accessory Innovations Emoji 16" Happens Kids' Backpack sales pitch:
Your favorite emoji has gotten a whole lot colorful. Your child will be able to rock this bag while still being themselves. With its bright colors your child will be sure to standout in the crowd.
That's some first class salesmanship right there. "Your child will be able to rock this bag while still being themselves" does sound way better than "your kid will look like the little shit he is." I tip my hat to you, Target.com. Kudos.
Or should I say "poo"-dos?
"Poo"-dos it is.