Wriphe.com: The Blog 2019

I have featured Grumpy Cat not once but twice on this here blog. This will mark the third, and very likely last, time. Grumpy, aka Tardar Sauce died Friday at the tender age of 7.

Cats don't belong in Heaven

Wired.com has an article on how Grumpy's passing marks the end of the "Joyful Internet." I'd say it's the period on the sentence.

As a web developer, I'm keenly aware that gone are the days of HomestarRunner and Flash games. Everything has to fit on a smartphone screen now, and most of what is left that can be called "content" is driven by a small number of corporate behemoths (mostly Facebook and Google). The contemporary Internet is the 21st century equivalent of a shopping mall in too many ways. In 25 years, we'll probably be paving it over to make a parking lot for whatever comes next.

You can't fight progress.

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I helped a friend do some work around his house last week, and I spotted this, the tumbler he uses to hold his 6-year-old daughter's juice.

Put your lips on this

Normally, when I see this sort of thing, I'm left wondering what the owner could be thinking. However, I've known Randy long enough to know that this isn't a thoughtless accident. He probably gets a kick out of watching his little girl suck shit.

I suppose if you have a child, you get to decide what to do with it. Kids are just pets that can talk!

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Bill Ingram Posted May. 14, 2019 at 11:59:31 PM
You would know about pets that cannot talk. Either you kick them when someone other’s pets are underfoot, or you accept your own dogs no matter how often they are “underfoot”. And they were always underfoot. How do you decide which dogs you viciously kick, and which ones, of your own, you grace with their omnipresent interference in the walking paths of a normal home? I liked your dogs. I did not care for their unquestioned acceptance as a necessary obstructive presence in a home. You did not care for Chewey. Ergo, your kicks and yelling, and your obvious celebration at his demise. I await your lame defense, and your mother’s defensive justification of your existence.
But, then, you eventually kick and yell at everyone whom you fear, FEAR, is invading your space. Ask your brother.

Wriphe [Official Comment]: Posted May. 15, 2019 at 01:39:14 AM
Yeah, yeah, I'm a shitty person.

I really don't know what I did to you to earn all this animosity, Bill. I assume that you resent my presence on this planet because you imagine that I did something to interfere with your relationship with my mother. (It couldn't possibly have anything to do with her discovering your own delightful personality, could it?) Whatever the case, nothing you can say to me can hurt more than my brother behaving as though I don't exist anymore. How about you follow his example? I promise to act like it bothers me.

Randy Posted May. 16, 2019 at 10:28:33 PM
Not sure I like the set of tag words you got there. I feel personally hurt by this and I think I will spend too much of my time and energy commenting on your posts and such until I look like a wacko that your mom is lucky to have out of her life.

Wriphe [Official Comment]: Posted May. 17, 2019 at 12:19:25 AM
I'd be glad to have you out of Mom's life, Randy. When she found out I helped you put in those shelves, she had me put in a shelf for her. Less work all around if you'd be a gentleman and walk away now.

What should you give your loved one for Earth Day? How about leftover valentines, 50% off!

Give me one of these and it becomes a 'Friendship Ending Kit'

I mean, I know I'm old and out of touch, but I cannot imagine what would happen if I had given one of these to a classmate when I was in elementary school.

On the other hand, no would have had any problem if I'd a water gun in my backpack. *shrug*

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Mom spotted this "not gross at all" product at the dollar store:

No, it's gross

She told me that she had to take a second glance at the "slimy and sticky" blurb. On first glance, she thought it said "scratch and sniff." She couldn't believe that anyone would want scratch and sniff poo.

It wasn't 30 minutes later when we found this on an endcap at Michaels:

I'm getting too old for this shit

I admit it; I scratched, and I sniffed. Do you want to smell my finger?

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Poo you hit with a stick.

A colorful piece of shit

I'm afraid to think what might come out.

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While out shopping, Mom said, "we should look and see what they have here that has the poo emoji on it." No! Bad mother! That's the opposite of what we should be doing.

My whole series of posts on this damn emoji shit is supposed to discourage through ridicule. If it is having the opposite effect, if I am somehow making poop emoji more desirable, I'll turn this blog right around, and no one will get any ice cream!

That said... I accidentally spotted this in Target last month. I'm serious. I was looking at the goods on the "As Seen on TV" aisle when I turned around and here was this, glaring at me with its many beady, dead eyes:

Joseph's amazing technicolor backpack

I found it so hard to believe that a caring parent would send their child off to elementary school with a bag of shit, I actually looked this one up online. I cut and paste the Accessory Innovations Emoji 16" Happens Kids' Backpack sales pitch:

Your favorite emoji has gotten a whole lot colorful. Your child will be able to rock this bag while still being themselves. With its bright colors your child will be sure to standout in the crowd.

That's some first class salesmanship right there. "Your child will be able to rock this bag while still being themselves" does sound way better than "your kid will look like the little shit he is." I tip my hat to you, Target.com. Kudos.

Or should I say "poo"-dos?

I call them Braces Poo, Space Poo, and Poo Who

"Poo"-dos it is.

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Louis Vuitton is a well known French luxury fashion brand famous for their expensive purses like the Artsy MM:

a bag for your shit

That purse retails for $2,000, which explains why they are such a common target for counterfeiters. Therefore, the company is unusually aggressive about taking legal action against perceived violators of their valuable brand. That's why they sent MGA Entertainment Inc. a cease and desist letter over MGA's top-selling toy, the Poopsie Pooey Puitton.

a shit bag

According to Amazon.com, Poopsie Pooey Puitton contains 12 unicorn food packets. "Just add water to make a rainbow of poop!" Who wouldn't want that? Other than Louis Vuitton, I mean.

In response to Louis Vuitton's bullying, MGA has pre-emptively sued to defend their right for parody speech. The following is a real sentence in a real court filing, per Reuters.

The use of the Pooey name and Pooey product in association with a product line of "magical unicorn poop" is intended to criticize or comment upon the rich and famous, the Louis Vuitton name, the LV marks, and on their conspicuous consumption.

Make a statement about rampant materialism; buy your Poopsie Pooey Puitton today! (Did I mention this product is aimed at 5- to 10-year-olds?)

And that's where we are now. 2019. Year of the magical unicorn poop. At least until Louis Vuitton gets their hands on it. Or gets it on their hands.

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Excuse me while I slip into something more comfortable....

Some shit to stuff your stockings into

These were found in the CVS Christmas aisle, the place you go for gifts that say "I never loved you."

And if a little poo in your shoe isn't enough for you this holiday, try some scat for your hat.

I think you have a little face on your shit

Merry Christmas, everyone!

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Not so long ago I went to YouTube looking for the opening to the first season of Buck Rogers in the 25th Century, which I consider to be the greatest opening in the history of television. Cheers is second, but I really dig Buck's building orchestral march while Gil Gerard falls through a stack of vinyl records. Rock on!

It turns out that the season 1 opener (featuring Cannon's William Conrad voiceover) — which is distinctly different from the season 2 opener (featuring Quinn Martins' Hank Sims voiceover) — is kind of hard to find. I assume that's because Universal has some sort of problem with people seeing the best part of Buck Rogers for free.

My search wasn't entirely fruitless. While I was looking, I found this video which is reportedly the intro used by the movie in its original theatrical release. Like the original Battlestar Galactica, which also was released to theaters (and also created by Glen Larson), Buck Rogers debuted on the big screen in 1979. (Everyone was chasing that Star Wars money.) This James Bond-themed opening is nuts, but I have to say, Henry Silva is better looking than I remember.

Anyway. I finally found the season 1 opener on Vimeo. I expect Universal will get around to ruining that, too, eventually.

Meanwhile, Wikipedia has documented the text of all three narrations PLUS the slightly different narration used when the movie re-aired as the pilot television episode. Because the Internet, as storehouse of the sum knowledge of humanity, would be incomplete without that. Thank the maker!

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This shit isn't even worth 7 dollars

It's portable! Take one everywhere: the office, the park, on the airplane, in your bedroom.... The possibilities are endless.

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