Showing 1 - 9 of 9 posts found matching keyword: spam

From time to time, I receive spam emails offering some modest compensation in exchange for posting an advertisement disguised as a blog post. Usually, this is to promote someone's brand of shoes or food or drugs. The latest one I received was particularly unusual.

My name is Mike, and my company ( has put together a really comprehensive site on how to start a trampoline park from A to Z.

I have an article idea that I think would appeal to your audience. It's about how to start your own super profitable trampoline business.

Is a "trampoline business" really a thing? Is reading about trampoline park construction the sort of thing any audience is into? Honestly, the older I get, the stranger this world becomes.

Anyway. You're welcome, Mike. I gave you that one for free.

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Subject line on email received last week:

Lourdes S. Ploszaj wants you to EXPLORE her BOOBS

There is no way that "Lourdes S. Ploszaj" is a real person, but who doesn't want to explore some boobs?

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I'm having a real problem with spam comments lately. I've had 164 unique visitors in the past month, and most of them were spambots. (I assume they were all looking for posts on spandex. According to Google, that's all anyone wants from this site.)

The spam comments are always attached to an old post. I don't know how they are finding my older posts. The code here is so f'd up, even I can't get to my old posts. I should probably fix that, but then I'd only get more spam.

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Spambot posts are typically banal comments designed to innocuously seed url links to search engines and unaware humans. The latest attempt here at, however, I thought clever enough to deserve a spotlight:

The next time I learn a blog, I hope that it doesnt disappoint me as much as this one. I imply, I know it was my choice to learn, however I truly thought youd have one thing interesting to say. All I hear is a bunch of whining about one thing that you possibly can fix in the event you werent too busy looking for attention.

In the future we'll all be trolled by hyper-critical, incredibly insightful spambots. Happy Valentine's Day!

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In the past month, I've started receiving more and more spam through the Contact form. I can't believe that a real person is actually taking the time to email little old me with spam for payday loans, 150mg tablets of viagra, and cheap generic levitra, so that's got to be an automated bot.

(What this spam is selling says a lot about who must be responding to it, don'tcha think? People who make bad financial decisions with limp dicks. Cause or effect?)

I've added a simple math problem to the contact form to try to screen out bots. I suspect that bots are better at math than most of the people I know, so we'll see how long that fix lasts.

I've also begun having friends tell me that they are having trouble with the site's captchas, preferring to email me or text me about blog posts rather than leave comments here. The captchas were last revised in January 2012, so maybe they've become a little outdated. To test that theory, I've changed the captchas associated with the comments fields effective immediately.

No matter how these comment and contact captcha changes turn out, I might have to revise them all to make it even harder for the bots. There must be some tipping point where the forms' difficulty of use discourages using the forms for their intended purpose. Just something else you can blame on the Internet: making it harder for people to communicate with one another since 1993.

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What the world really needs is a superhero with the power to stop email spam. Think about it: his story would be a taut psychological thriller. His mere existence would interfere with the fabric of space-time, creating a natural firewall for all batch junk email advertisements worldwide. He'd be forced to wander anonymously from town to town as a drifter, a la The Fugitive, as the forces of organized spam, led by his arch-nemesis, the Nigerian Prince, aka "the Phisher of Men," hunted him in order to destroy his unique ability and return to their corrupt spamming ways. Danger at every turn! One-armed men! Meddling!

On a very related note, I've added a captcha to my contact form, as the computers had figured out how to pester me with a growing stream of dick enlargement and Russian bride ads. According to a 2008 study by the University of California, spammers get one positive response from 12.5 million mails. Another 2008 survey by Marshall (now M86 Security, a company that designs email encryptions) estimated that nearly a quarter of web users admit to having purchased something through spam email. It's clearly only a matter of getting the right spam through the right firewalls to the right person. It seems a shame that they keep sending mail to everyone on my street when only 1 neighbor ever buys anything. So let me make it clear, spammers: I am not that person. Just leave me alone. I've got other affairs to meddle in.

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In honor of Pope Victor (who first decided that Easter would be celebrated on a Sunday), I interrupt your Day of the Lepus celebration with the following long-form complaint about chicks.

Why does Victoria's Secret mail out catalogues every month? Who buys underwear that often? A quick web search reveals that they mail over 400 million catalogues each year. (A mere 33 million catalogues per month.) The population of the entire United States of America -- men, women, and children combined -- is slightly over 300 million.

I'm a little torn on this issue: I'm not opposed to free porn arriving in my mail box. (That old Sears catalogue and I had some good times.) But I do have concerns about the frequency and volume of these catalogues. I see more Victoria's Secret catalogues than credit card applications and "have you seen me" postcards combined.

I'm not the sort to lament the overgrowth of landfills (I hope everyone drowns in their own filth) or mourn the destruction of a tree (I hate trees, too). But it seems to me that mailing endless piles of catalogues with pictures so heavily airbrushed as to be considered paintings of impossibly-shaped people (we called you ugly in high school because you were, ladies) in order to market push-up bras to women concerned that their chests are too small could probably be a sign of the apocalypse (if one were so inclined to be looking for those sorts of things).

That is all. You may now resume your regularly scheduled pastel-tinted activities.

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While performing some routine maintenance on last week, I counted that in the past 60 days my email address had received 17,776 junk emails. That's an average of 8,888 per month, more than 296 per day, more than 12 per hour, or more than 1 spam email every five minutes.

That made me a little curious, so I did some research. In the same 5 minute span between my spam emails, 24 Americans died, 40 Americans were born, 62 Americans were in car accidents, the average American heart beat 350 times, the Earth moved 5,584 miles around the Sun, Americans consumed 1,045,624 servings of Coca-Cola, and the United States Federal Government spent approximately $25,655,864 (before any bailouts).

Now, every time I receive a spam email, I have the urge to spend $25 on a glass of Coke.

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But, of course, there is the down side of the internet: incessant junk mail. The following is an actual message that I received today:

From: Eliza M. Eddy
To: Elma Q. Fournier
Subject: My boyfriend's shaft keeps slipping out.

Dames always giggled at me and even gars did in the open toilet!
Well, now I sriek at them, because I took Mega. Dik for 5 months and now my pecker is indeed bigger than average.
shop for [link removed]

This guerilla advertising is supposed to make me dash to the address provided and shop for "Mega Dik"? I worry slightly, because it must be working on someone (presumably either "dames" or "gars") for some bastard to take the time to send this email out.

P.S. Isn't it a bigger problem if your boyfriend's shaft never "slips out"?

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To be continued...