Showing 1 - 10 of 189 posts found matching keyword: holidays

I heard on the radio that pessimism is a waste of time. Maybe the invisible person in my car is right. To that end, I'm starting 2019 with a new daily affirmation:

I get up, and nothing gets me down.
You got it tough. I've seen the toughest around,
and I know, baby, just how you feel.
You got to roll with the punches and get to what's real.

Can't you see me standin' here?
I got my back against the record machine.
I ain't the worst that you've seen.
Can't you see what I mean?

Might as well jump.

Ooh, yeah. I should go ahead and jump. We all should.

May your 2019 be as delightful as my 1984 was.

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Excuse me while I slip into something more comfortable....

Some shit to stuff your stockings into

These were found in the CVS Christmas aisle, the place you go for gifts that say "I never loved you."

And if a little poo in your shoe isn't enough for you this holiday, try some scat for your hat.

I think you have a little face on your shit

Merry Christmas, everyone!

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Unlike last year, this year I tried to make gingerbread houses all by myself from recipes I found on the Internet. Mm-hmm. Operative word: "tried."

They taste better than they look, but that's a pretty low bar

I've just about mastered the cookie recipe. The gingerbread itself is soft and delicious. The icing, on the other hand, was a bit of a problem (as you can see).

The icing was so thick and stiff that the pastry bag might as well have been filled with quick dry cement. In hindsight, I probably added too much sugar to the amount of egg whites I had. I'll try to remember that for next year.

At least my mouth doesn't care how they look.

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The older poodles get, the less they care about the repercussions

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My aunt's contribution to our Thanksgiving feast included stuffing, chocolate ice cream, and three dozen sugar cookies bought from the Kroger bakery.

The others ate the stuffing and ice cream. I ate the cookies. All of the cookies.

To be honest, I ate too many cookies. I don't know what Kroger put in them, but each was more delicious than the last. I. Just. Couldn't. Stop. Now I'm going through cookie withdrawal.

I thought I was through the worst of it when Mom went grocery shopping today... and returned with another three dozen cookies.

"I came around the aisle," she said, "and there they were, the only cookies on the table. The last batch. They wouldn't have been there if I wasn't supposed to buy them and bring them home for you."

So that's my Mom, who thinks that fate is trying to bring me and cookies together. Fate is not the boss of me! I'm an independent, rational, strong-willed individual. I can resist the allure of a basket of sweet, sweet sugar cookies.

Cookies 72, Walter 0

DAMN YOU, COOKIES!

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Something to think about when you're done with your turkey and watching the Saints beat up on the Falcons tonight:

Kickoffs are simultaneously the most dangerous and most boring plays in football. To make the game safer for the players and more exciting for the fans, some propose replacing the kickoff with a punt. The solution, they say, isn't a big change. Just give the kicking team the ball at the 35 yard line as is currently done, and run a regular punt play. This solves the problem of two teams running at each other from opposite ends of the field, XFL-style. The obvious problem with this solution is that it eliminates the opportunity for an onside kick to allow the kicking team to retain possession. (Punting rules prohibit the kicking team from possessing the ball unless the receiving team has touched and dropped it.)

Former Rutgers coach Greg Schiano, who is a proponent of replacing the kickoff with a punt, suggested an onside kick replacement in 2011. Line up the teams at the 35 just as you would for a punt, he says, and give them the option of throwing a pass instead. If the pass is complete for more than 15 yards downfield, they get to keep going as though they had recovered an onside kick. (Otherwise, the "receiving" team gets the ball at the spot of the catch or the line of scrimmage if incomplete.) The obvious problem with Schiano's suggestion is that teams with high-powered offenses may never have to relinquish the ball at all. That's not an improvement to the current formula, as it only makes games more lopsided.

I like what Schiano's thinking, but I think it could work better with one small change: make the punter be the one to have to throw the ball. This makes a post-score "kick-off" just another play from the line of scrimmage but with dedicated personnel. The game gets safer without overbalancing to offense while still allowing occasional trick plays in late-game cases where maintaining possession is necessary. Win-win!

There, now. Wasn't that a more fun Thanksgiving table discussion topic than politics? You're welcome.

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July's favorite holiday

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Treat?

Give it to Mikey. He'll eat shit!

Why is it so happy?

I'll swallow your soul!

Or Trick?

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It's a boy!

Take that ball and run with it, boy!

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Tomorrow is Batman Day 2018. Have you bought Batman a present yet? (He's already got everything else, so I suggest a gift card.)

Celebrate by visiting your Local Comic Shop for free comics. Or, if you'd rather, you can download the Batman Day 2018 Activity Kit from DCComics.com where you'll find this delightful recipe for burnt toast.

What's a one-star recipe? A glass of tap water?

I'm not going to lie; I want that bat-shaped cookie cutter.

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To be continued...

 

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