Showing 1 - 10 of 71 posts found matching keyword: food

Treat?

Give it to Mikey. He'll eat shit!

Why is it so happy?

I'll swallow your soul!

Or Trick?

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Finishing up new-to-me movies watched in September:

163. (1392.) The Man Who Cheated Himself (1950)
Film noir about a cop who makes the really bad decision to cover up a murder committed by his lover. And he might have gotten away with it, too, if not for his damn kid brother. Pretty good, in no small part because of the many atmospheric shots of San Francisco.

164. (1393.) Bright Leaf (1950)
Tobacco farmer Gary Cooper loses sight of his own moorings when he becomes blinded by revenge. No one treats Lauren Bacall like that and gets away with it! Also pretty good.

165. (1394.) Sausage Party (2016)
Imagine a few stoners sitting around the dinner table pondering the source and purpose of their meal and you'd get this, a weird mash-up of food puns, cliched stereotypes, and humanist philosophical treatise. Not the worst waste of an hour and a half, but also not worth going out of your way for.

More to come.

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Tomorrow is Batman Day 2018. Have you bought Batman a present yet? (He's already got everything else, so I suggest a gift card.)

Celebrate by visiting your Local Comic Shop for free comics. Or, if you'd rather, you can download the Batman Day 2018 Activity Kit from DCComics.com where you'll find this delightful recipe for burnt toast.

What's a one-star recipe? A glass of tap water?

I'm not going to lie; I want that bat-shaped cookie cutter.

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Legal humor website LoweringtheBar.com has reviewed the list of Official Georgia State things (specifically, "Georgia Code Title 50 Chapter 3 Article 3: Other State Symbols") and given our list of stuff the respect it deserves. (By which I mean "none.")

Of course, I had previously decried that as of 2015, the state mammal is officially the White-Tailed Deer. (You fools!) But seeing it again in print made me do a little more research.

Somehow I had missed this 2016 AJC article in which State Representative Carolyn Hugley of Columbus assured her concerned colleagues that the new amendment to the Georgia Code wouldn't "prevent anyone from eating the animal." Hooray! Venison jerky for everyone!

It's a good thing that being an Official State thing doesn't prevent consumption of that thing. Otherwise, the Vidalia Onions (State Vegetable), peanuts (State Crop), and grits (State Prepared Food) industries would be in trouble. That's not such good news for the Southern Appalachian brook trout (State Cold Water Game Fish), green tree frog (State Amphibian), or Pogo (State 'Possom — yes, the apostrophe is written into § 50-3-68 of the Georgia Code).

Naturally, this made me curious if there was any law on the books in Georgia that barred someone from eating something. I couldn't find one. There are lots of things you can't buy or sell, including substandard pecans (§ 2-14-63), unpasteurized milk (§ 26-2-242), and unregistered pacific white shrimp (§ 2-15-5), but nothing you're barred from actually chewing and swallowing. It seems even cannibalism is legal in Georgia. That's Southern hospitality for you! Eat up, ya'll.

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I think my mother might be trying to gaslight me.

She tells me that I eat too much white bread. Every day when I wake up and go to the refrigerator for milk, she warns me "you're almost out of bread." When I look, she's right. There are only a few pieces left.

How can that be? When last I went shopping, I bought a loaf of Sunbeam Giant, enough bread to choke a horse. I've had the occasional peanut butter and honey sandwich for dinner — most of you would call it a "midnight snack" — but that's only a couple of slices in the past week.

Where's my bread going? Am I sleep eating? Does bread evaporate overnight? Or, as I suspect, is my mother throwing the slices away one at a time in a devious plan to get me to eat multigrain?

I'm on to you, Mom. You'll not trick me. White bread for life!

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This is NOT chocolate soft serve

It's a lollipop. You put it in your mouth. Eat shit, America!

Footnote: while investigating this "candy," I discovered that its manufacturer, Flix Candy, also makes a wind-up pile of shit. "Wind him up and watch him walk and poop candy!" they say. I think I'll pass.

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What a great price for artificial flavors

Note that there aren't two shades of white

Of course its the white one that thinks it's so good

Happy Birthday, 'Murica.

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Cinnamon Frosted Flakes are a real thing now. I haven't had them yet, and after watching this commercial, I can tell you I never will. We'll be right back after this message.

Did you hear that guy at the end of the commercial say that Cinnamon Frosted Flakes "tastes like victory"? Does Kellogg's know where that line comes from? Have they never seen Robert Duvall as the satiric Lt. Col. Kilgore in Apocalypse Now?

Apocalypse Now: I love the smell of napalm in the morning

Apocalypse Now: It smells like victory

Once upon a time, art and literature employed allusions to previous works audiences would be familiar with in order to reinforce concepts. In modern America, corporations still use allusions, but they no longer expect the audience to understand them rationally. They only want to trigger an emotional connection. "Oh, yeah. I remember Apocalypse Now. I liked it. I bet I'd like Cinnamon Frosted Flakes."

Kellogg's doesn't care if the actual reference is to napalm, a weapon used to burn people to death. Nor does Dodge care if their products are pitched by Star Wars' oppressive evil Empire. Six Flags gladly names roller coasters after DC Comics serial killers.

So good luck with your new product, Kellogg's, but I still pay attention to who is trying to sell me something. Kilgore can keep his cinnamon. I'll stick with my Sugar Frosted Flakes, the cereal that Superman says is the best.

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My doctor says my cholesterol is too high. He wants me to exercise for more than an hour a day and consider a Mediterranean Diet, with high concentrations of fruits. He also wants me to avoid processed food entirely, especially things like french fries.

I'm not sure I can do that.

Exercise is the least of the problem. I'm already walking July for 30 minutes and then spending another 30 on the elliptical. In addition, I'd been contemplating how I can add some strength training to that regimen. I'm actually starting to like exercising.

On the other hand, I do eat too much processed snack food. I admit it. It's a bad habit that I'm always aware of, even when I'm eating it. I can make a sincere effort to cut back (he says as he stuffs another handful of potato chips in his face).

What I cannot do is eat more fruits. I hate fruit. I hate its texture and flavor. Berries are gross. Bananas trigger my gag reflex. I saw what apples did to Snow White. And don't even get me started on oranges. If I thought global warming would wipe all fruit off the face of the planet, I'd leave my car running 24 hours a day.

I understand that a Mediterranean Diet might prolong my life, but quality of life has to count for something, too. How am I supposed to enjoy a life of only eating foods I hate? Frankly, I'd rather have a heart attack.

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So somehow this is a thing now:

If three of these were poison, how many would you eat?

I'm not saying it's a bad thing. I mean, I like M&M's (even with their unconventional use of the apostrophe). I have a bag near me now.

However, who wants a candy that tastes like the Miami Dolphins? They're not a particularly good football team. What would you expect a Dolphins-branded candy to taste like? Failure? Disappointment? Actual dolphins?

At least they don't taste like the Cleveland Browns.

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To be continued...

 

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