Yesterday, Coca-Cola Company tried to offset the bad news that sales were flat by promising to roll out new "functional" beverages to augment their product line. To Coke, "functional" apparently means crappy.

Introducing Coca-Cola Plus, a drink that the company describes as "a sugar-free and calorie-free beverage" with 5 grams of dietary fiber per 470-ml bottle. So, it's a Diet Coke that helps you take a poo? I have to admit that sounds like an improvement over standard Diet Coke. That stuff makes me puke.

So far, the product has only been unleashed on Japan with no announcement when we might see it in the Americas. Apparently, Japan is the Mikey of soda consumers. If the drink takes off there, Coke thinks it will sell anywhere.

Among current popular Coca-Cola products in Japan are Aquarius, a fancy water Coke calls "The No. 1 selling sports drink" in Japan, Georgia Coffee ("The No. 1 ready-to-drink coffee brand in Japan"), ILOHAS ("one of the most popular mineral water brands in Japan"), and Ayataka ("authentic green tea taste just like consumers regularly brew at home, but available on-the-go"). None of those sound like anything Americans want to drink. At least not yet.

Coke is hurting, and we all have to do our part. So suck it up, people. I'm sure ready-to-drink canned coffee can't possibly be as bad as it sounds.

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I'm on a movie-watching tear so far this April! Here's the first batch of films seen.

46. (1105.) Dreamgirls (2006)
I didn't like it. I'd rather not spend three hours of my time with a bunch of people finding old and unexciting ways to ruin their own lives. (And if I want to hear a Supremes pastiche, I'll just listen to The Supremes.) Eddie Murphy is the highlight, and he kills himself. I didn't blame him.

47. (1106.) Journal of a Crime (1934)
A housewife is unable to come to terms with someone else paying the price for the crime she committed. The best part is her confession to the scapegoat that ends up making her feel worse. Good crime melodrama!

48. (1107.) Easy to Love (1934)
Screwball comedy about a wife who cheats on her cheating husband and the ensuing hijinks. Cute. Like Journal of a Crime, the brevity of this film (just over an hour) keeps it from dragging.

49. (1108.) Five Deadly Venoms (1978)
The last apprentice of a kung-fu Master has to track down his five previous students — each trained in a different deadly animal-inspired style — and stop them from destroying the Master's legacy. Where has this movie been all my life?! Really, really fun.

50. (1109.) Woman of the Year (1942)
The first Katharine Hepburn/Spencer Tracy pairing. Hepburn comes off great (no surprise if you read the title), leaving the audience wondering what she sees in Tracy's chauvinistic sports reporter. They do have good screen chemistry, though.

More to come.

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Today is the University of Georgia's annual G-Day game practice, the unofficial start of the 2017 hype season. This marks Kirby Smart's second year as head coach. You may recall he was hired to take the team to the next level after Athletic Director Greg McGarity lost faith in Mark Richt. Let's just say that year one wasn't everything Bulldog Nation hoped it would be.

So how does Smart kick off year two? By demanding that the media not report on injuries unless he gives permission. Even if the player breaks his leg in front of a television camera.

What the fuck, Kirby?

Hey, man, I get it. You're a tin-pot dictator who gets paid millions of dollars a year to boss around children. That shit goes to your head. Last year, you somehow convinced the Georgia State legislature to pass a law allowing you to extend delays in responding to open records requests from three days to three months. It's only logical that the next step in your plan for world domination would be to refuse the release of any information at all.

The only question I have is how is this media gag order supposed to help UGA win football games? Did the Bulldogs go 4-4 in SEC games last year because our opponents knew Jacob Eason was a Freshman? Did Vanderbilt get its 3rd win versus Georgia in 22 tries because reporters told them ahead of time that the Bulldogs couldn't stop a 75-yard drive in the final quarter? Did Tennessee's Hail Mary to defeat Georgia with only zeroes showing on the clock happen because they'd read news reports about the secondary's practice habits in the week prior to the game? As I recall, it was Nick Chubb's mother who released information about the extent of his knee injury in 2015, by the way. Good luck stopping her from talking to the press in 2017, Coach.

Hey, sports reporters, if you see something, say something. I have a hunch you'll still have a job in two years. Coach Smart I'm not so sure about.

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At $10 per Kong, July's going to need to get a part time job soon

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A man was run over by a deer on April Fool's Day. This is not a joke. I never joke about deer.

The man, one Cary McCook, had just gotten out of his truck and was minding his own business when he was hit by the deer. He wasn't in the middle of a forest, either, but was standing in front of a hotel. Nowhere is safe from the Great Deer Uprising, people!

However, this wasn't a premeditated mugging. It happens that this time, the deer was fleeing man's best friend. Good dog! That means that Mr. McCook wasn't a target as much as he was collateral damage. There's friendly fire in all wars.

First bigfeet joined humanity's opposition to our deer oppressors (as we learned last month), and now, dogs. That's both ends of the animal kingdom. What's next? Ticks?

The tide is turning against you, deer. Give up while you still can.

Their fight would be adorable

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Feast-er your eyes on this vintage Coca-Cola advertisement from 1958:

Every religious holy day goes better with Coke

I learned from Alice in Wonderland not to trust any grinning white rabbits.

But I'd still drink his Coke.

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