I don't know what in specific I thought I was saving this for, so I'll just put this here:

*This is an actual quote. Though I have started repeating it in sad desperation at what now passes itself off as American government, Colbert said it largely in jest at the end of his "Meanwhile" rant on August 14, 2024, in response to a July 25, 2024, article in the Associated Press about the Ohio Supreme Court's 4-3 decision that deboned chicken wings advertised as "boneless" may still contain bones. Per the report, the majority ruled that "boneless" was a style of preparation not a guarantee, and consumers should have the common sense to consume them with due caution without dining establishments fearing lawsuits from choking victims. I tend to agree with the court here, but I can see the point of the three dissenting justices that Americans are probably much, much dumber than the court gives them credit for.

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Captain D's is currently running an ad campaign that should be considered a war crime. When my television starts chanting "Fish D'Lish," I have to drive for the remote's mute button before the repetition drives me mad (or madder than I already am, anyway).

Once upon a time, I heard Stephen Colbert suggest that the best way to kill an earworm is to sing a shorter earworm that "cannot loop." His example was "by Mennen" as sung at the end of Speed Stick commercials. John Oliver suggested the "Ricola" yodel, and that's the one that usually works for me. I've been singing "Ricola" a lot lately.

On a marginally related note, I've recently been playing with the Talkback accessibility option on my phone. Theoretically, I could use it to control my phone hands free, but I've been using it to read Wikipedia articles out loud while I walk the dogs. Today I listened to the story of the Second Peloponnesian War. I found it amusing to hear my phone insist on calling the Persian king "Xerxes Eye."

That led me to wonder what Talkback's narrator would call this website, which has a made-up name I brainstormed on a napkin in my first apartment in Athens. Everyone seems to get it wrong on the first try. To my surprise, the phone handled "wriphe" perfectly. (For the record, it's pronounced like "rife," which was Merriam-Webster.com's Word of the Day on Sunday, and I'm going to have to steal their explanation to be another tagline for this site: "Rife Wriphe usually describes things that are very common and often—though not always—bad or unpleasant.")

So of course you know what I tested Talkback on next. Hint: It rhymes with "dish o'fish." What can I say? Advertising works.

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By chance, while waiting for an episode of Last Week Tonight with John Oliver to start, I stumbled into the end of an episode of a series I'd never seen before: The White Lotus.

In particular, my first glimpse of any The White Lotus was a scene in which 53-year-old Walton Goggins put his tongue on the nipples of much younger Aimee Lou Wood. And it creeped me out.

I could go on at length about what I think creeped me out about that scene (in fact, I've spent the past hour typing and deleting as I grasp at straws), but all I can say for sure is that it makes me very uncomfortable thinking about how they rehearsed and shot that scene in real life.

If the actors both had input and were genuinely okay with their participation (as a Googled article at Elle.com suggests), well, they are both adults and professionals, after all. So long as they had agency to consent and/or refuse, more power to them, I guess.

But that doesn't mean that I'm going to be watching any more White Lotus episodes. They creep me out.

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For the record, I'm still watching After Midnight, even though I still think it should be a half-hour show, because it cheers me up to see Taylor Tomlinson genuinely laughing at the jokes of her fellow comedians.

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I feel like that joke was aimed squarely at Jason Sudeikis (born September 18, 1975, SNL cast member from 2003-2013, host in 2021, and performer on the Saturday Night Live 50th Anniversary Special) and me (who did none of those things but is enjoying the company).

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I was reading in today's newspaper about how those two astronauts that Boeing stranded on the ISS were passing the time after their one-week trip became an eight-month stay, and I made a joke to myself about how this was a good opportunity for a Gilligan's Island reboot where the hapless astronaut castaways keep getting unwanted visits from astronauts on nearby satellites, exiled dictators, rock groups hiding from groupies, and li'l Kurt Russell.

And then the voice in the back of my head reminded me that it's already been done. With Gilligan himself (and Chuck McCann).

Sid and Marty Kroftf's Far Out Space Nuts

Who says they don't make 'em like they used to?

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About a week ago, I took the boys for our usual walkies. It was unusually blustery, and I stopped to check the weather radar on my phone. At exactly that moment, a golf carts drove by.

Despite the fact that we live just across the highway from our local country club, golf carts used to be rare in my neighborhood. Back when I started walking the girls, there were only two carts on my street. The gas-powered one belonged to the people who teach horseback riding and use the cart to ride along the street and collect the horse droppings, like a motorized version of the street sweeper at the end of Rocky and Bullwinkle cartoons. I only saw the batter-powered one occasionally when the kids got bored and took it for joyrides, doing donuts in their yard.

(Side note: I personally don't think golf carts are more fun than watching Rocky and Bullwinkle, but I doubt those kids have ever seen it. Back in the day, there really wasn't that much to watch or that many channels to watch them on, so everyone knew everything on television, making pop culture references the coin of the realm. You made friends in school by quoting reruns of shows that had been first runs for our parents' generation: Leave it to Beaver or Gilligan's Island or Monty Python's Flying Circus. I have no idea what tweens watch these days after school, but if I threatened a kid today with a loaded banana, they'd think I was brain damaged.)

There are lots of golf carts in the 'hood now. The boys love 'em. They go crazy when they see one. I don't know why. So long as I've had the boys, they've never been within five feet of a golf cart. A golf cart has never brought them a treat. But I guess they do drive by slower than cars, making them easier to chase, and the ones in my neighborhood often have other dogs on board, making the chase worthwhile.

Anyway, as I was saying, the golf cart drove by while I was half paying attention, and Henry and Louis went berserk, and their leashes damn near pulled off the fingernail on my left index finger. Not totally. It just bent it back halfway. It hurt a lot the first few days, but it's gotten better. Or at least I thought it was getting better. I showed it to Mom earlier today, and she nearly swooned. So maybe not all better. I'm just taking it one day at a time. (Boy, that Schneider was a card.)

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As I type this, the South Park episode in which Cartman inherits a million dollars and uses it to buy an amusement park (which causes Kyle to lose his faith in God) is on the 33-inch 16:9 ratio flatscreen LCD television beside my computer. According to Wikipedia, that episode, "Cartmanland," first aired on July 25, 2001. That's almost twenty-three years ago!

I distinctly remember watching the broadcast of the debut episode of South Park ("Cartman Gets an Anal Probe") on Comedy Central on basic cable via our communal 24-inch 4:3 ratio CRT TV in the apartment I shared with friends and former classmates Matt and Randy in unincorporated North Druid Hills. Matt had invited our old high school classmate, Tabitha, over for the evening, and she was absolutely appalled by the course humor, which, of course, only made it funnier. That was August 1997, and I was already in my second college.

To put those dates into perspective, I also distinctly remember watching the 20ish-inch wood-paneled TV in our family's basement as channel 46 (on the UHF dial) weatherman Denny Moore, wearing what we would now call Trekker cosplay, hosted a New Year's Eve 1980-something marathon of original Star Trek episodes. Although I'm not entirely sure of the year, I am sure that whatever year it was was definitely prior to The Next Generation being a thing.

The point of that being that in hindsight, there was less time between the date of that rerun marathon and the original broadcast dates of those Star Trek episodes than there has been between between now and 9/11.

Honestly, I'm starting to think that the real difference between the past and the present is that there were barely 3 seasons of Star Trek and South Park has a contract to keep making episodes into its 30th season. The Good Old Days were a very brief time indeed.

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If you're ever feeling stupid, watch an episode of Wheel of Fortune. If the contestants don't make you feel better about your comparative knowledge base... you might really be stupid.

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From October 2013 through August 2017, back when Comedy Central actually aired new content, the Colbert Report (hallowed be its name) was followed by @midnight. Now that Colbert has recorded more Late Show episodes than Colbert Report episodes, he has brought @midnight to CBS with twice the running time, re-branded as @fter midnight.

I am already on record as a fan of @midnight, and I am excited it is returning. But I have 2 problems:

1. it airs opposite my favorite late-night talk show, Late Night with Seth Meyers; and
2. its one-hour length is too much of a good thing.

I can solve for (1) by use of my DVR to watch it at a more convenient time. (Sorry, CBS, but Seth comes first.) Problem (2) is a bigger issue.

The original @midnight was a thirty-minute show, which allowed for a tighter edit with only the best jokes and a faster pace. After just a week of episodes, it seems clear that despite new host Taylor Tomlinson's quick wit, the hour-long format is going to have to include a lot of weaker material. That's going to be a problem for maintaining my interest, and if you can't keep a serial late-night watcher like me interested, you've got trouble in your timeslot.

I hope they get this fixed. I liked @midnight for the duration of its run, and I'd like to enjoy @fter midnight for at least as long.

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