"Love is the most important thing on Earth. Especially to a man and a woman."

My Webster's New Twentieth Century Dictionary, Unabridged has eight different definitions for the noun form of love, chief among them "a strong affection or attachment or devotion to a person or persons." That pretty much matches the good captain's use of the word. (I'm sure Kirk also loves the fifth definition: "sexual passion or its gratification," which, you may note, does not require any "person or persons" on this earth or any other).

Maybe I'm devoid of strong passion, but my personal definition of love has always been a little more concrete. So far as I can tell, anything you love is something that you value more than yourself. For most people, that's not a lot of things, if any. (It's no wonder I'm still single after all these years.)

The word gets thrown around a lot (especially by starship captains on the make), but how often is it accurately employed? It's a common trope of art and literature that one lover would be willing to die for another, and I accept that most parents (usually) place their children's interests before their own. But how often do you meet anyone willing to lay down their lives for property? Or strangers? Or a whole society? Or chocolate? Maybe we don't encounter those people often because they don't have long lives.

Conversely, my definition of hate is disliking something enough that you're willing to destroy yourself to destroy it (also a common trope in literature, usually for villains and anti-heroes). I've used that word a lot in my life, but like my use of the word love, it has usually been an exaggeration when all I really want is a word stronger than dislike or disapprove. (Despise? Detest? Disdain?) Rationally I recognize that anything I might hate is rarely actually worth my being sacrificed for it.

Obviously, human beings are not governed by the Three Laws of Robotics, which place the priority of self-preservation dead last, meaning that by my definition, Asimovian robots have a greater capacity for love (and hate) than human beings. I don't know what Mr. Spock would have to say about that, but I'm reasonably certain that Kirk wouldn't hesitate to love a machine, assuming it had enough I/O interfaces.

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We recently changed cable providers, and for the first time in a long time, we have some "premium" channels. Skinemax has gotten a lot more explicit than I remember. Back in my day, Shannon Tweed used to parade around topless and simulate a lot of foreplay. There's not a lot of "simulating" in what they air now. These days, they seem to only hire Method actors, if you know what I mean.

This is not an exaggeration. Wicked Pictures hardcore DVD Thief of Hearts is currently airing on my television as Showtime softcore Stealing Lust, fundamentally the same movie with the most revealing shots and camera angles edited out. (And before you ask, no, I did not know that either film existed off the top of my head. It took no small amount of creative Googling to uncover they were the same movie. Blogging sure can be hard work.)

I'm not complaining, exactly. If you didn't know that the modern actors were doing less acting, the biggest on-screen difference between softcore then and softcore now is mostly a matter of presentation style. (Does anyone know what a merkin is anymore?) And tattoos. So many tattoos now.

If I really miss anything about the softcore films of old, it's the music. I think I first saw The Joy of Flying in 1990. I can't tell you much of anything about the movie (other than that there was a lot of topless frolicking), but the soundtrack left a lasting impression.

https://youtu.be/cfQs5-oqSVY

All choreographed sex scenes could use a little more big band action if you ask me.

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Autocorrect continues to plague me.

After Simone Biles withdrew from Olympic competition citing mental issues, I tried to Google the definition of "gymnastics twisties."

My autocorrect changed it to "gymnastics titties."

I'm sure they're nice, but that's not what I'm interested in (right now).

If it's true that the average man thinks about sex once every 7 seconds and that computers process information 10 million times faster than humans, how often does my computer think about sex?

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My father has problems with the way I communicate, but it's not always my fault.

I'm just a soul who's intentions are good.

I was texting some do-it-yourself instructions and tried to type the phrase "easy peasy."

My autocorrect changed it to "eat pussy."

If that's what my autocorrect thinks I should be saying, who am I to correct it?

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I should be sleeping. Instead, I'm reviewing movies!

146. (1585.) Steel Magnolias (1989)
If Julia Roberts is really from Georgia, why does her accent sound the least convincing of all the actors? This movie is little more than mundane relationship melodrama performed by a stellar cast who (mostly) do no wrong. If that's your thing.... then this.

And remember: you can't have a movie about life in the South without Coke!

147. (1586.) Framed for Murder: A Fixer Upper Mystery (2017)
Singer/songwriter/poet/actress Jewel makes a less-than-convincing handywoman/detective, but I doubt anyone watching a Hallmark mystery movie is overly concerned with realism.

149. (1588.) Class (1983)
Rob Lowe, Andrew McCarthy, Cliff Roberson, John Cusack, Alan Ruck, and the delectable Jacqueline Bisset all star in a very lackluster coming-of-age sex comedy more ntable for the appearance of the stars themselves than anything they do to elevate the material they are working with.

And remember: you can't have a movie about sleeping with your roommate's mother without Coke!

150. (1589.) Empire of Dreams (2004)
This is a documentary on the making of the first four Star Wars movies. Friend Keith mentioned it in passing a few weeks back, and I'd never seen it. So I watched it over the course of two days. Lots of good behind-the-scenes Star Wars tidbits, but it suffers from an excessively obsequious tone. You don't have to sell us so hard, guys; everyone has already seen Star Wars.

151. (1590.) Bathing Beauty (1944)
Something of a bait and switch, as Ester Williams isn't really the focus of this musical comedy, Red Skelton is. The disappointment was hard to get over.

152. (1591.) Plastic Galaxy (2014)
Amazon noticed that I watched one documentary about Star Wars and suggested that I watch another. Plastic Galaxy covers the history of the Kenner Star Wars action figures. Talking to the collectors themselves tended to bore me, but those were spaced between great historical anecdotes and creator interviews. (Disclaimer: I know exactly where my 1981 Millennium Falcon is.)

153. (1592.) Lovelace (2013)
Amanda Seyfried stars as the first household name in hardcore pornography, Linda Lovelace. Is this (often dull) movie an accurate depiction of her life? How horrible. Now try watching Deep Throat knowing that the star was being tortured off screen. Boner killer!

And remember: you can't have Deep Throat without Coke!

Image blurred to protect the innocent

More to come.

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From Late Night with Seth Meyers broadcast on September 20. Batman's dick jokes start at 2:28:

HOST SETH MEYERS

DC Comics has put out a new issue of Batman that appears to show Bruce Wayne's penis exposed. I'm not saying it was impressive, but this was the sky tonight:

MEYERS (cont'd)

That's right, DC Comics has put out a new issue of Batman that appears to show Bruce Wayne's penis exposed. Said Batman, "Before you judge, I was fighting Mr. Freeze."

IGN.com reported that Batman's penis was removed from digital copies of Batman: Damned #1 "because it wasn't additive to the story." Well, it added something.

For reference, here's one of several panels containing Li'l Batman after the redaction. Click to toggle the "original" version.

If Batman has been packing hardware like this, no wonder he wears a second pair of trunks over the outside of his pants.

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Chapter seven of child psychologist Fredric Wertham's infamous 1953 book Seduction of the Innocent is titled "I Want To Be a Sex Maniac: Comic Books and the Psycho Sexual Development of Children." Can you guess what it's about?

At the close of that chapter, after explaining how Batman and Robin "help fixate homoerotic tendencies" in young boys, he warns that young girls have similar examples.

The Lesbian counterpart of Batman may be found in the stories of Wonder Woman and Black Cat. The homosexual connotation of the Wonder Woman type of story is psychologically unmistakable. (pg 192)

To drive home his point, Wertham specifically calls out this panel from "Mr. Zero and the Juvenile Delinquent" in Black Cat #27, 1951:

If I squint hard enough, I guess I can see where he was coming from. What girl would ever choose to sleep with child-abusing premature-ejaculators named "Crowface"?

Wertham goes on to complain about another page in the same issue headlined "Black Cat Shows You How To Do Judo Tricks," a step-by-step guide to self-defense tips in the unusually specific case when "a gunman should surprise you from the rear and you don't feel the gun muzzle against you." Look out, girls! If you act in self-defense against gunmen, you might be a lesbian!

Even if I was inclined to believe that reading stories about Batman hanging out in a cave with his young ward encouraged little boys to love Dick — that's a Robin joke! — I remain unconvinced that empowering young girls to fight back against gangsters is the first step on the slippery slope towards tribadism.

I'm not going to say that Wertham was wrong about everything. He makes a good case that American superhero comics books were (and still are) incredibly, perhaps irredeemably, violent. However, in hindsight, it's hard to take anyone's word that comics are destroying society when he's overlooking panels like this, also from "Mr. Zero and the Juvenile Delinquent":

Clearly, in Wertham's 1953 America, homosexuality was an abomination but racism was just fine. The more things change....

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"Lets get directly to point," started the email.

"Let me tell you, I setup a malware on the X videos (sexually graphic) web-site and you know what, you visited this site to experience fun (you know what I mean). When you were viewing video clips, your internet browser initiated operating as a Remote Desktop with a key logger which gave me accessibility to your display screen and also web camera. Immediately after that, my software program gathered your entire contacts from your Messenger, Facebook, and emailaccount. After that I made a video. 1st part displays the video you were watching (you have a good taste lmao), and second part displays the recording of your web cam, and its u."

X Videos sure is a "sexually graphic" website. And I am me. So that checks out. Now that it has my attention — sexually graphic videos will do that — the email continues by giving me some choices:

"First choice is to just ignore this e mail. As a result, I will send your actual video clip to each of your your personal contacts and also just consider concerning the shame you experience. Or in case you are in a romantic relationship, exactly how it will certainly affect?"

Romantic relationship? Shame? Got me there. Yes, my hand is going to be extremely upset to see itself spread across the web. How insidious!

"Next choice should be to pay me $7000. We will refer to it as a donation. As a result, I will quickly erase your video. You could go on daily life like this never occurred and you never will hear back again from me."

Actually, I'm kind of flattered that anyone would think I was worth extorting for seven thousand dollars. I'm not flattered enough to pay it, but flattered nonetheless.

"Should you are planning on going to the authorities, look, this email cannot be traced back to me. I have covered my moves. I am also not looking to charge you a huge amount, I simply prefer to be compensated. You have one day in order to pay. I have a specific pixel in this email message, and at this moment I know that you have read this email message."

"Specific pixels" are probably unnecessary when I'm posting the whole email on my blog, but I have to admire the thorough approach. Any extortion worth doing is worth doing right.

"If I don't receive the BitCoins, I will, no doubt send your video recording to all of your contacts including family members, co-workers, etc. Nonetheless, if I receive the payment, I'll erase the recording immediately. It is a nonnegotiable offer, therefore please don't waste my time & yours by responding to this mail. If you really want proof, reply Yea! then I will send your video recording to your 15 friends."

If you're one of my fifteen friends, considered yourself forewarned. You could find a video in your inbox of me "experiencing fun." Enjoy! Consider it a gift from everyone's best friend, Mr. Internet Spam.

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Sex sells everything. Including Jeep replacement parts.

Disclaimer: you cannot order those legs from this catalog.

In fact, this cover doesn't fill me with confidence about anything in this catalog. It's all fake. You can tell from the shadows that the Jeep and the landscape are two separate images that were edited together. Given the weird way the sun is hitting that dog, it must have been cropped in from a third source. And that totally unnecessary lens flare is straight-up a Photoshop filter (Render > Lens Flare > 50-300mm Zoom).

The inside is a little more honest. It's mostly replacement top hardware, electrical wiring, and light bars. Though there is a $29.99 "Cabana Multi Stripe Beach Towel with Jeep® Logo" on page 286 that probably just exists as an excuse to put a model in a bikini. Seems legit to me.

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DC Comics has declared tomorrow, September 23, 2017, to be Batman Day 2017. (In 2016, Batman Day was September 17. In 2015, it was September 26. Seriously, DC, can we settle on one date already?)

This year, DC is cross promoting the event with Harley Quinn, a character celebrating her 25th anniversary. Harley was introduced in Batman: The Animated Series in 1992 as a comedic Joker henchwoman with romantic delusions. These days, she appears in comics and movies (but not television) as a psychopathic mass murderer who dresses like a stripper. Hooray for progress? (Thanks, feminism!)

It's probably not a coincidence that DC is combining the celebration of these two characters now considering that the company released a direct-to-video movie titled Batman & Harley Quinn late last month. Despite being made by the same people responsible for the all-ages Batman: The Animated Series, B&HQ is adults-only material. At one point, after mistaking him for a homosexual, Harley seduces Batman's adopted sidekick, Robin Nightwing. Personally, I don't need that much sex in my cartoons. That's why I have the Internet.

Anyway, if you go to your Local Comic Shop tomorrow, you can get your own free copy of Batman Day 2017 Special Edition #1. It's mostly reprints, but a free comic is a free comic.

And if that's not enough Bat-fun for you, you can download the official Batman Day Kit (including mazes, games, and sweet, sweet Terry Dodson and Jose Garcia-Lopez coloring pages) from dccomics.com. At least there's no creepy hero-on-villain sex in there. I promise.

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