Showing 11 - 20 of 52 posts found matching keyword: sex

The following teaser trailers for porn videos are all completely safe to watch at work. That's part of what's so weirdly compelling about them.

2011:

2012:

2013:

2015:

That's right: four pornographic "parody" videos made by Axel Braun, the self-proclaimed "undisputed King of Parody," in the past four years. And they all star the same man ("Ryan Driller," who — I shit you not — has been nominated for two Adult Video News Best Actor Awards for his performances in two of the above movies). DC hasn't managed anything close to that production schedule (or awards recognition) in decades.

I'm not going to pretend that I understand how drawing a diagonal line through the "S" on his chest makes it okay to make rip-off Superman movies, but I have to admit that these look just as good as anything running on the CW. However, if Bruan can churn these disposable flicks out on a regular basis with production values this good, maybe DC should look into hiring him to make a real Superman movie.

It can't possibly be any worse than Superman IV: The Quest for Peace.

Just sayin'.

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I watch a lot of movies. Those movies have a lot of bad actors. But none of those actors are as bad as Kate Upton is in these Game of War: Fire Age commercials.

Upton is a pretty girl, but it's hard to believe that someone who modeled her way onto multiple covers of Sports Illustrated's Swimsuit Issue could be that unaware of how she looks in front of a camera. Dead eyes, poor inflection, stiff mannerisms.... It's not sexy if I can't bear to watch.

The ridiculous ad copy isn't doing her any favors, either. It would be hard to take anyone saying "other than what's about to come out of those trees" seriously. Maybe Sam Jackson. Come to think of it, he'd find a way to make that dress work, too.

Game of War must think that some eye-candy is going to translate directly into sales. Sorry, guys, but I don't make those sorts of choices with my dick. No matter how hard I try, it's simply no good at manipulating a touchscreen.

Maybe I'm not the only one resistant to such blatant sex in advertising. Game of War: Fire Age took a huge hit in subscribers in the weeks after the campaign launched. It's still the second highest grossing app on the iPhone (to the tune of over a million dollars a day) but it's not downloaded nearly as often as it once was. Did it reach total market saturation, or was it a mistake to spend $40 million on ads featuring a bikini model moonlighting as an actress? The world may never know.

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Subject line on email received last week:

Lourdes S. Ploszaj wants you to EXPLORE her BOOBS

There is no way that "Lourdes S. Ploszaj" is a real person, but who doesn't want to explore some boobs?

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The county I live in has spent hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars while prosecuting the local Starship novelty shop for a $205 fine. The county's speeding ticket fines are higher than that!

Specifically, the county accuses the store of offering for sale an unspecified "sexual device...designed or marketed as useful primarily for the stimulation of human genital organs." Not actually selling, mind you. The county ordinance makes it illegal just for offering such a thing — the county won't tell us what exactly it is. Nipple clamps? Dildos? Cock rings? French ticklers? If we want to find out, I guess we need to go to Starship.

The county has had it out for Starship since they announced their intent to build a store here. The county has tried changing their laws, breaking their own laws, lying, and just plain being bastards. If I were Starship, I wouldn't want to pay a single cent of business tax to the the county, but this mess didn't start until after the county approved a business licence (before revoking the license based on a law they passed just to give them an excuse to revoke Starship's new licence).

(For the record, the county treats churches it doesn't want the same way. It's just how business is done in the south.)

The county doesn't want Starship helping its citizens screw, and Starship is tired of the county screwing it. All in all, it's more amusing to watch than any network television drama.

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Sunday, Anne Hathaway won a Best Supporting Actress Oscar for her role in Les Misérables. I haven't seen Les Misérables and I don't intend to. I have no idea whether she deserved it, but my father says she does. Dad hasn't seen Les Misérables either, but he has seen something he believes is more relevant to the Oscar voting: Hathaway's unméntionables.

Back in December, Anne Hathaway flashed her privates while getting out of a limo at the at the public opening of Les Misérables. My father -- who makes notes of all his crazy predictions so should any of them come to pass he can hold them up and say, "see I'm not crazy" -- predicted at the time that Hathaway's gaffe was an intentional public relations maneuver designed to garner both attention and sympathy. At the time, I dismissed this as just more crazy raving, but look who's holding an Oscar now.

I guess I should have known better as soon as Seth Mcfarlane opened the Oscar ceremony with a song in which the chorus repeated the phrase, "we saw your boobs, in the movie that we saw, we saw your boobs." Although there is no direct correlation between actresses showing their cooters to the cameras and winning Academy Awards, Hollywood knows damn well what we are paying to see.

Despite my initial resistance to my father's "crazy" idea, I've warmed to it. The actress who sleeps her way to the top is a Hollywood cliche. If Hollywood wants to reward its women for flashing fans instead of just producers, I'm pretty sure that's a crazy idea I can get behind.

So listen up, leading ladies: from now on we will all be expecting you to show us some skin if you want to win. Pay attention, Quvenzhané Wallis. At only nine years old, you may have been the youngest Academy Award nominee in history, but you'd better plan on dressing inappropriately if you really want to compete for that elusive Oscar when you grow up.

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It has been extensively reported that tomorrow DC Comics is publishing the comic in which Superman and Wonder Woman finally get it on. This isn't exactly the first time this has happened. What makes this time different is that DC says this time they really, really, really mean it.

Comic book relationships are like comic book deaths: both are very temporary situations. Dating in superhero comics amounts to little more than a brief series of one-night stands. Eventually the romantic-interest character is killed off-panel, becomes the hero's arch-nemesis, or disappears abruptly when the book changes writers. If your hero doesn't have a love interest in his origin story, don't bother learning the names of the girls he goes out with between adventures.

However, if you do know the names of those supporting characters, isn't removing the hero from the romance akin to stealing what defines that hero? The love interests of Superman and Wonder Woman, Lois Lane and Steve Trevor respectively, both shared time in their partner's first comic book appearance. They are as much a part of Superman and Wonder Woman as heat vision and golden lassos. Is it the aspect of infidelity to their partners that makes this story so enticing to the non-comic book reader?

If there's a moral here, it's that sex sells. It even sells funny books.

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I know that I'm a bit prudish, but I really, really don't want to associate Liquid-Plumr with a double-penetrating ménage à trois. Don't get me wrong, I'm not against group sex. I just don't want Liquid-Plumr involved in any of my sexual acts. My turn-offs include hair clogs and chemical burns.

If I'm a prude, what does that make One Million Moms? OMM is the same group that opposed Ellen DeGeneres being spokesman for JC Penny and decried DC Comics' recent homosexualizing of Green Lantern. The group also opposes this 2012 commercial, stating "the new Liquid-Plumr ad is offensive and completely inappropriate for television."

Inappropriate for television? I'm not sure I'd go that far. Television is a pretty vapid wasteland of sex and violence. But I would agree that it is probably inappropriate to sell a drain cleaner as the sexy option in the household poisons aisle.

What's next? Vibrating bottles? Phallic-shaped pipe cleaners? This is one sticky situation that practically cries out for a slippery slope argument. Though I guess that's the point the commercial was trying to make, too.

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The following are the rest of the movies I watched in May.

127. Drive Angry (2011)
This movie was a surprise. I chose to watch it because my brother made a joke about Nic Cage and I set out to demonstrate that everything they say about Cage's acting is true. You can say this about the guy: he leaves it all on the screen. Years from now, this film will be used in college classes to demonstrate that Nic Cage is to cinema as Velveeta is to cheese. That said, I loved this film. From a storytelling standpoint, it does so much right that it's easy to forgive its forced Tarantino-esque dialogue and cliched characterization. This is the film that Robert Rodriguez keeps trying -- and failing -- to make.

128. Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star (2011)
As Trey said, "there is no point while watching this movie that you think, 'this is a good movie.'" But it's not trying to be a good movie. It's a bad movie that's got some good jokes that blindside you for big laughs. After watching this, I happened to watch the first 15 minutes of the 2012 AVN Awards on Showtime, where the porn stars being interviewed on the red carpet made awkward and clueless Bucky Larson look like an Oxford professor. Oh my.

129. Kung Fu Panda 2 (2011)
Just like its predecessor, I wanted to dislike this flashy Dreamworks Disney-esque kung-fu cliche, but it's too cute to hold a grudge against.

130. The Ladykillers (1955)
I saw the Coen brothers remake years ago without realizing at the time it was a remake. (I know. I'm clueless.) The remake is good; the original is better, simultaneously funny and suspenseful without ever overplaying its hand.

131. The Kennel Murder Case (1933)
Trey, this is a film in which the death of a dog does not ruin the film. Don't worry: the guy who dies in this whodunit is the one who killed the dog. He got his comeuppance! Suave and comedic, sleuth William Powell may be among my new favorite actors.

132. The Most Dangerous Game (1932)
Watched because I had read the story and seen many variations (*cough* Ice-T is Surviving the Game! *cough*), this film stand up very, very well 80-years after it was made.

133. Ride the High Country (1962)
This is another one of those movies that I appreciate more as time passes. I was dissatisfied with what I felt was a meandering story (and some really cheap sets and action-blocking) by mid-way through this Western, but in the end, they are relevant to the outcome and message of the film. Recommended.

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Assume that you have just opened the morning paper and turned to the sports section to catch-up on the newly announced NFL schedule for 2012 and you see this advertisement.

Your first thought might be something like, "of course I want to get paid by the pound to lose weight." Your second thought might be, "of course I want to squirt eye-droppers full of an unspecified liquid under my tongue because that sounds like a far better way to 'build muscle' than lifting something heavy. I mean, that's got to be better for my back."

Put aside for a minute that HCG is a human hormone commonly found in pregnant women.

Ignore the fact that the currently-popular HCG diet is primarily based on restricting yourself to fewer than 500 calories per day.

Turn a blind eye to the results of more than a dozen studies conducted since 1950 that show no correlation between HCG and weight loss.

Forget that recorded side effects of the drug include blood clots, headache, irritability, depression, severe pelvic pain, swelling of the hands or legs, restlessness, stomach pain, shortness of breath, diarrhea, nausea, vomiting, breast tenderness, or (surprise!) weight gain.

Pretend that the FDA, the Mayo Clinic, WebMD, and even Dr. Oz recommend against taking over-the-counter HCG for any reason.

Now ask yourself: what the hell does this have to do with football?

Five yards for illegal procedure!


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PETA has announced that they plan to launch a pornographic website to attract attention to their anti-human agenda. According to an interview with the Huffington Post, "it will have enough adult content to qualify for the XXX domain site but also some other graphic images of animals that viewers may not expect to see." So get ready, PETA will be launching a website combining pictures of tits and ass and slaughtered lamb. I'm already turned on.

I'm not entirely sure that PETA understands the concept of eroticism. When people want to see some skin to get their rocks off, those who aren't Germans Nazis are not looking for slaughterhouse pictures. But PETA will soon fix that, as they build their site that conditions the impressionable among us to equate sex and ultra-violence, reverse-Clockwork Orange style.

This idea of mixing two concepts to send completely the wrong message is nothing new to PETA. You may recall that a few years ago, PETA launched a "sea kitten" campaign to equate eating fish with eating kittens. I hadn't thought about it before then, but since I like eating fish, maybe I would like eating kittens. I've killed far more kittens since PETA started their campaign than I did before it, and I think PETA's powerful advertising message deserves full credit.

This takes treating women like meat to a whole new level. Breasts, ribs, loins, shanks; looking at pictures like those sure will make my mouth water. I can't wait to stick my dick in the next Whopper I buy. Who needs KY Jelly when they've got ketchup?

I have to say that I'm impressed. As the latest in a series of spectacularly questionable PR campaigns, PETA has certainly outdone themselves. From dousing people wearing furs with blood to marrying eroticism and murder. You've come a long way, baby.

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To be continued...

 

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