In between networks promos and local cable advertisements during The Penguins of Madagascar (clearly they've run out of good names for cartoons these days) on Nickelodeon, I encountered two the most senseless commercials I've seen in recent months.

The first was an ad for Honey Nut Cheerios featuring their animated mascot, Buzz. The only problem with this commercial was that it didn't make any sense. Honest-to-goodness transcript as follows:

BEE: Buzz, everybody's at the Honey Geyser to make Honey Nut Cheerios!

BUZZ: Yeah, 'cause here comes the honey!

Honey Geyser erupts, but then is drawn back in on itself in a honey vortex.

BUZZ: Where's it going? Come on!

No one follows Buzz into the vortex.

BUZZ: Where am I? And the honey... It's being sucked into that mummy's tomb!

Cue glowing, growing, growling sarcophagus.

BUZZ: I've only got one shot at this!

Buzz points his wooden honey dipper like a magic wand at the sarcophagus. The honey dipper releases electricity which topples nearby obelisks, damming the honey stream, causing the sarcophagus to shrink.

SARCOHPGOUS: Nooooooooo!

BUZZ: Yes!

Buzz leaves as the geyser starts flowing again.

BEE: Buzz, you're safe!

BUZZ: And so's our honey, so everybody can have delicious Honey Nut Cheerios.

VOICEOVER: It's the honey sweet part of a good breakfast. From the hive that's nuts about honey.

Lessons learned: honey comes from honey geysers, is coveted by bee-mummies (who present only a mild inconvenience), and honey dippers are electrical in nature. None of which makes me want to eat cereal.

The very next commercial broadcast was done infomercial style for Touch-N-Brush, "the hands-free toothpaste dispenser that works with just a touch!" The highlight of this ad is the series of images of apparently physically or mentally handicapped people frustrated by messy, hard-to-use, and difficult to understand toothpaste tubes. "You squeeze. You roll. You press. Now your bathroom looks a mess!"

Maybe this commercial is speaking to the portion of America I've never visited, but I don't recall seeing any bathrooms where dried toothpaste was on all the countertops, sinks, and walls as depicted by the users in this commercial. If that's how these people squeeze toothpaste tubes, I'm interested in watching them squeeze ketchup, shake hands, or hug their children.

Lessons learned: Squeezing a tube of toothpaste is hard. Can't someone else do it for me?

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Attended the Georgia Renaissance Fair today, where I saw many men in kilts, overweight women wearing fairy wings and elf ears, and shocking anachronisms. My favorite part of the entire experience was the hour plus spent making fun of my friend who had a hot dog for lunch. The joke was supplied by the Renaissance Fair itself, which marketed the foot-long hotdog as "The King's Wiener" and expected people to pay for the experience of putting it into their mouth.

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Continuing my tirade against fast food marketing from last month:

My brother suggested that the Mexican slogan for McDonald's ("Me Enchanta") was used because the translation of the American slogan, "I'm Loving It," is apparently some sort of Mexican slang for having sex. As I recall, not too long ago, McDonald's ran a Big Mac commercial in which several guys said they'd "hit it," which is American slang for having sex. So I wouldn't think that McDonald's would really be all that opposed to saying that Mexicans were having sex with the food.

Clearly, Hardee's has no such compunction. Hardee's has gathered a fair amount of attention recently from advertisements with Padma Lakshmi having oral sex with a hamburger. Lakshmi is the perfect spokesperson: an authority on food (she rates food on television, so she must be an expert!) and a former model (the equivalent of a role model in modern America). Subtle, no. But if people are talking about it, that pretty much means the ad is working.

It all makes me wonder if there is any chance that some portion of America's obesity epidemic is related to an association of food with sex in our sex-obessed society? Horny equals hungry. How long until someone cuts to the chase and uses the slogan, "Got a boner? Grab a burger!"

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Burger King thinks I'm stupid. They're trying to sell me miniature hamburgers that are smaller than the Whopper, Jr. However, these smaller burgers are also half-again more expensive than a Whopper, Jr. "But that's because we're selling them in 2-packs," Burger King contends. Seriously, that sort of negates the initial selling-point that they're smaller portions, doesn't it? I know that tiny hamburgers are the latest, greatest craze in the American hospitality industry, but there's a right way and a wrong way to do everything. Charging me more for less is definitely the wrong way.

Desperate to convince me that this is a good idea, Burger King has borrowed a tried-and-true beer advertising ideology, namely boobs. But they've screwed that up, too. Men in their commercials holding an A-cup pair of the "cute" smaller burgers are swarmed with uncommonly attractive coeds who find the burgers -- and by extension, the dork holding their small buns -- adorable. I don't know about Burger King himself, but for me the "cute" response is reserved for things that I want to nurture, like puppies and children, not things that I want to consume, like hamburgers and Hooters waitresses.

Before you call me an overreacting prude, note that the carefully market-tested name of these burgers, "Burger Shots," is a slang term for a photograph of the external female sexual organs. It's also the name of a restaurant chain in the nihilistically perverse Grand Theft Auto universe which is itself based on Burger King. Coincidence? Before you answer, please note that the signature burger at the fictional Burger Shot chain is called a Bleeder. (Think about it.) It's a bit frightening to think of what's coming next from the dirty minds at BK marketing. Will drink refills be renamed "Sloppy Seconds"? Will kids' meals be branded "Fun Bags"? (I kid, but bk.com already advertises "BK Kids Meals Now with BK Burger Shotsâ„¢." Think about THAT.)

Frankly, Burger King, I'm surprised to discover that My Way is quite so lecherous. I think It's pretty clear that at the age of 55, Burger King has become a dirty old man.

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Found on the internet: a blog about confectionery fiascos. I especially appreciated the Grand Theft Auto San Andreas birthday cake for the 4 year old.

And if you're in that sort of mood, you may also appreciate the "blog" devoted to "unnecessary" quotation marks. I did.

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Perhaps you've heard this by now, but there's a death row inmate in Ohio who is suing the state to prevent his execution. The essence of his argument is that since all approved methods of execution would result in cruelty as a result of his obesity, he cannot be executed by the state.

You've got to admit that's pretty clever using the system against itself. "You can't kill me because I'm too fat, and you can't make me lose weight because then you'd just kill me." Check and Mate! What this really proves is that you can have your cake and eat it, too.

This fellow sounds like a true Kingpin of Crime at work to me.

Damn, that's one fat criminal.

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Another Independence Day come and gone. July 4th is without a doubt my favorite holiday, though I don't care for picnics, fireworks, or parades. Ironic? I don't think so. If others enjoy their crowded public places, I'll stay in my own suddenly quiet neighborhood. Everybody wins.

My brother and his girl were disgusted by my favorite Independence Day activity: watching the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest. Sure, it's gross, but it's much more entertaining than, say, Easter Sunrise Mass or a Christmas Day NBA double-header. (While it's not quite Thanksgiving Day NFL football, the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Competition only takes 10 minutes, barring overtime, and I'm not forced to watch this with the very same extended family that I try to avoid for the rest of the year.) How can you not love a competition that was cancelled by promoters in 1971 to protest "the reign of free love"? And I'm not alone in my appreciation of this grand event: it's estimated that nearly as many people showed up just to watch this year's contest as ran in Atlanta's Peachtree Road Race earlier the same day.

Maybe all of this success is because of the unique nature of the competition as a quintessentially American event complete with hot dogs, gluttony, and red, white, and blue bunting. When asked why he competes annually in this contest, 2007-08 champion Joey Chestnut summed it all up, "I love to eat. I love the competition. And... it's Fourth of July, and you can get away with it on this day, push your body this hard over something silly like this." Damn straight, Joey. It sure beats running a 10K.

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In the late 80s, I watched Marc Summers as the host of Nickelodeon's Double Dare. By the turn of the millennium, I was watching Marc Summers as the host of the History Channel's History IQ. Now I watch Marc Summers as the host of Food Network's Unwrapped. This progression pretty much sums up the aging process: messy childhood, know-it-all teenager, forced-to-cook-for-yourself adulthood.

(Note that I never watched Marc Summers as the co-host of Lifetime's Biggers and Summers. I simply refuse to watch anything on Lifetime. It's a channel devoted to the equivalent of after-school specials for housewives.)

You watch most television personalities play characters. Usually poorly. I enjoyed David Hasselhoff for his "portrayals" of Michael Knight and Mitch Buchannon. I'm fond of William Shatner for playing Captain Kirk and about one hundred guest star appearances, all of them equally way over-the-top. And don't get me started on My Favorite Martian / The Magician / The Incredible Hulk star Bill Bixby. (I'd recognize Bix before some members of my family.) But Marc Summers always plays Marc Summers.

I'm pretty sure that in another 25 years, I'll be flipping channels and still see Marc Summers, looking none the worse for time, hosting a show deep into my cable dial (maybe hosting the show You've Fallen: Can You Get Up?). It's a comforting thought, really. Some things don't change.

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I'm making up for my total lack of pictures during July with two YouTube videos today. These are both my brother's and mine 30-second submissions in the Heinz Top This TV commercial contest.

Mine first:

And Trey's:

Watch them. Enjoy them. And be assured that should either one of these videos make it into the 15 semi finalists (of a field of well over 2,000), you're going to be voting on one of them as your favorite over at YouTube.

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True story: I'm walking around my apartment preparing to take a few photos for eBay with my digital camera. I'm also absent-mindedly munching on a handfull of Nabisco Wheat Thins. (That's product placement, by the way.)

I'm a little surprised when I pop a cracker into my mouth and bite down. Unlike your average Wheat Thin, this tastes like plastic. And it's smooth. My first instinct is that I must be chewing on a wrapped prize like you find in cereal boxes and Cracker Jack boxes.

I take it out of my mouth and find that I have just bitten through my camera's memory card. D'oh!

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