It appears that ACT Fluoride Rinse has a new licensing agreement with Nickelodeon allowing them to put SpongeBob Squarepants on their products. In their commercials they proudly proclaim "ACT Fluoride Rinse, now with SpongeBob Squarepants, is up to 40% more effective than brushing alone!" If adding SpongeBob makes mouthwash 40% more effective, just think what else could SpongeBob could be added to for improved results!

There's nothing new about SpongeBob licensed products. Debuting in 1999, SpongeBob was reportedly the number one licensed property in America by 2007 according to bulk vending supplier A&A Global Industries. A&A also credits SpongeBob as being the number 1 selling Social Expressions brand pinyata of all time; nothing proves a brand's popularity like letting a mob attack it with sticks.

ACT further advertises on their website that the ACT Anticavity Fluoride Rise Kids featuring SpongeBob Squarepants tastes "like an underwater explosion of flavor." I assume that means it tastes like salty seawater. Though given that SpongeBob lives in a place called Bikini Bottom, it could taste much worse. Hopefully SpongeBob will not affect the flavor of his new Ortega SpongeBob Whole Grain Taco Kits. Yuk.

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Crest now has a product that will whiten your teeth for "up to 2 months" in just 2 hours (Crest 3D White 2-Hour Express Whitestrips). Who the hell needs to whiten their teeth for the next 2 months right now? Who thinks "I sure would like whiter teeth before the end of this movie, and I'd like them to still be white when this movie comes out on DVD because that's the only way I can remember to re-whiten my teeth"?

If your teeth are so heavily discolored that you need to whiten them, you probably know how they got that way. You don't need this product after a meal of beets and grapejuice. Getting yellow, discolored teeth took months, maybe even years of dedicated work. Why throw away the badge of your dedication in just 2 hours? Most people in that situation would just get drunk and get a tribal tattoo.

If you are a heavy smoker or a compulsive coffee/soda drinker, you probably have bigger problems than what your surprise blind date will think of your yellow teeth. No one will say "I sure could kiss that chimney/wino if only she had whiter teeth." Even if you didn't before, you certainly will have bigger problems once you put enough bleach on your teeth to turn them from dingy to dayglo in only 2 hours.

Thank you, Proctor and Gamble, for trying to convince me that my teeth are suddenly, surprisingly yellow, and I need to whiten them immediately before I embarrass myself. I hadn't yet considered the fact that my yellow teeth may be the social equivalent of an accidentally soiled diaper. I'll rush out to the store to buy your product, just as soon as I can find a mask to hide my discolored shame from the other shoppers.

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In between networks promos and local cable advertisements during The Penguins of Madagascar (clearly they've run out of good names for cartoons these days) on Nickelodeon, I encountered two the most senseless commercials I've seen in recent months.

The first was an ad for Honey Nut Cheerios featuring their animated mascot, Buzz. The only problem with this commercial was that it didn't make any sense. Honest-to-goodness transcript as follows:

BEE: Buzz, everybody's at the Honey Geyser to make Honey Nut Cheerios!

BUZZ: Yeah, 'cause here comes the honey!

Honey Geyser erupts, but then is drawn back in on itself in a honey vortex.

BUZZ: Where's it going? Come on!

No one follows Buzz into the vortex.

BUZZ: Where am I? And the honey... It's being sucked into that mummy's tomb!

Cue glowing, growing, growling sarcophagus.

BUZZ: I've only got one shot at this!

Buzz points his wooden honey dipper like a magic wand at the sarcophagus. The honey dipper releases electricity which topples nearby obelisks, damming the honey stream, causing the sarcophagus to shrink.

SARCOHPGOUS: Nooooooooo!

BUZZ: Yes!

Buzz leaves as the geyser starts flowing again.

BEE: Buzz, you're safe!

BUZZ: And so's our honey, so everybody can have delicious Honey Nut Cheerios.

VOICEOVER: It's the honey sweet part of a good breakfast. From the hive that's nuts about honey.

Lessons learned: honey comes from honey geysers, is coveted by bee-mummies (who present only a mild inconvenience), and honey dippers are electrical in nature. None of which makes me want to eat cereal.

The very next commercial broadcast was done infomercial style for Touch-N-Brush, "the hands-free toothpaste dispenser that works with just a touch!" The highlight of this ad is the series of images of apparently physically or mentally handicapped people frustrated by messy, hard-to-use, and difficult to understand toothpaste tubes. "You squeeze. You roll. You press. Now your bathroom looks a mess!"

Maybe this commercial is speaking to the portion of America I've never visited, but I don't recall seeing any bathrooms where dried toothpaste was on all the countertops, sinks, and walls as depicted by the users in this commercial. If that's how these people squeeze toothpaste tubes, I'm interested in watching them squeeze ketchup, shake hands, or hug their children.

Lessons learned: Squeezing a tube of toothpaste is hard. Can't someone else do it for me?

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