Do you love fantasy? Do you love playing mobile games on your smartphone? Do you love supporting programmers who need to pay expensive veterinarian bills for an aging poodle?

Then have I got something for you!

Cutthroat Canverns, the competitive cooperative multiplayer dungeon crawling card game is now a single player phone app coded by yours truly.

It's available for purchase for $4.99 via Google Play and Apple App Store.

Thanks for your support.

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In 1985, Coca-Cola unleashed New Coke on an unsuspecting world. It didn't go well, the kind of not well that still gets taught as a cautionary tale to MBA students. To their credit, the Coca-Cola Company learned from that debacle and quickly buried New Coke under the basement, never to be tasted again. Until now.

New Coke is now for sale as part of the "New Coke and Stranger Things 1985 Limited Edition Collectors Pack" at cokestore.com for the conspicuous price of $19.85.

Coca-Cola's advertising budget is the stuff of legends. They support everything from little leagues to summer blockbusters. They're so powerful, they practically created Santa Claus just to sell more soda. That they would work with the popular Netflix Stranger Things streaming show is no aberration. But that they are willing to revisit the worst decision in their business history to do so... that takes a special level of masochism you won't find in your average multi-national corporation. It's admirable, in a twisted sort of way.

I just hope the decision doesn't come back to bite them. There are two generations of Americans who have never had the misfortune to taste New Coke who might now try to catch the nostalgic wave. That can't go well. Kids these days drink fewer soft drinks than my generation did, so it might not be a good idea to give them another reason to walk away from a Coke machine.

Take my word for it, kids. New Coke tastes bad. Enjoy it ironically, if you must, but for your own sake, do so from a distance. Not all oldies are golden.

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The 25 actors and directors nominated in their categories at tonight's Academy Awards will receive a gift bag worth a reported $100,000. That sounds like a lot, but it's really a load of crap.

Thirty percent of that total is a coupon for plastic surgery. About half are coupons for food, vacations, and self-help sessions. Most of the rest are beauty products or drugs (chocolate, cannabis-infused edibles, and absinthe). There's also a book, a bracelet, a bow tie, and a plunger. But it's not just any plunger! It's the Mister Poop Fully Functional Plunger!

But wait, that's not all! According to their press release:

"The Oscar® nominees receiving gift bags will each get a Mister Poop Toilet Plunger, and a T-Shirt emblazoned, "Crappy Products that Really Work'."

That beats their first draft: "I was nominated for an Oscar® and all I got was this lousy t-shirt promoting a shitty plunger."

The release goes on to warn us announce that the manufacturers, who paid a minimum of $4,000 just to have their products included in the gift bags, are "in talks" with retailers about shelving their products. (They do know that there is already a poo-shaped plunger on the market, don't they?)

Mister Poop Plungers and Toilet Brushes, coming soon to a 7-Eleven near you.

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During a commercial break in the evening news, Mom says, "I keep getting this jingle stuck in my head." She was talking about the ad for Ozempic, which sounds more than a little like this:

I wasn't alive in 1974, but Mom was, and she says she's never heard of Pilot or their single, "Magic." Obviously, there's only one explanation for this: all documented instances of Pilot are part of an elaborate counter-intelligence campaign created by Communist trolls for the purpose of destabilizing our American capitalist corporatocracy by fooling rubes like me into believing that some kind of popular culture preexisted the marketing needs of greedy pharmaceutical conglomerates. Those bastards!

Now, if you'll excuse me, it's time for my federally mandated once-weekly semaglutide injection.

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It could be worse. It could be a commercial for ass cream.

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Preparation H earned some notoriety in 2016 with an advertisement introducing America to the town of Keister, Minnesota. Their latest commercial features a town named Tookus.

Unlike Keister, Tookus is, as you can see in the screencap above, a "Fictional Town." Seeing that, I wondered to myself, if Tookus is fictional, where did they film it?

If you look closely, you'll see the street signs in the background reference U.S. 23 and Georgia Highway 42. Turns out, that's the intersection of Keys Ferry Street and Macon Street. Tookus is in downtown McDonough, Georgia!

My Mother's maternal family hails from just outside McDonough in a little place called Kelleytown (which has a surprisingly thorough Wikipedia entry). In fact, the family still owns some land out there. So if you're ever passing through Tookus, look us up.

UPDATE 2018-07-21: I'm watching Smokey and the Bandit, and what do I see but this intersection! About 15 minutes in, Bandit evades a state patrolman by hiding his Trans Am right where the camera would be placed for this commercial. McDonough looked pretty much the same in 1979, though that cafe behind the "officer" didn't exist yet. See the screenshot at atlantatimemachine.com.

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Another advertisement also spotted in the March 1, 1918 edition of The Newnan Herald:

Pay close attention to that last part:

"THESE CALENDARS WILL NOT BE GIVEN TO CHILDREN."

Why not? Kids love cola. Kids need to know the days of the week.

What "special pose" could sweet, dear Hollywood darling Ruth Roland, star of The Matrimonial Martyr, The Devil's Bait, and The Neglected Wife, be showing that's so inappropriate for the little tykes of Newnan?

Well, I never! Get that thing out of your mouth, you floozy! Scandalous!

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Advertisements spotted in the March 1, 1918 edition of The Newnan Herald (formerly the Coweta Advertiser):

Hoover means DEATH to dust (and Germans)!

So are you saying that I should try smoking peanuts?

I am amused that "fit" appears in sarcastic quotes. I'm more amused that it says "eat our meats." *giggle*

This one's not funny. It's just racist.

As for why I was looking through 100-year-old newspapers, what can I say? I like to read incredibly inappropriate advertising. (More on that on Tuesday.)

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May Movies, part 2 of 3:

65. (1124.) Hangar 18 (1980)
Blech. This excrement of a sci-fi movie is horrible, from the misleading advertising to the weak script and dialog to the bad editing and continuity. The ending isn't even an ending; the story just stops! Terrible all around. Even the most devoted Darren McGavin and Gary Collins fans need to think thrice before committing to watching this trash.

66. (1125.) Swiss Army Man (2016)
Now this sort of film is the reason I watch movies. Unique, inventive, and equal parts comedy and tragedy, this independent movie rises above the typical rabble and says something about the human condition, especially in relation to modern disposable society. That makes it art (with a bunch of fart jokes for good measure). Highly recommended.

67. (1126.) The Zodiac Killer (1971)
On the other end of the art spectrum is this throwaway violent exploitation piece. I read after the fact that this was originally intended to help catch the Zodiac Killer, which, if true, forgives a lot, since the entertainment quality of the finished movie wouldn't be its first concern. It's not the worst film I saw in April. (That would be Hangar 18.)

68. (1127.) Gangster Squad (2013)
I have finally seen all three Emma Stone/Ryan Gosling movies! They play a romantically involved couple in all three, though Stone's role in this action film is really just plot device to get to some more action scenes. The movie's highlight is its recreation of 1940s L.A. Its lowlight is Sean Penn's Dick Tracy "Ugly Face" makeup. I was entertained.

69. (1128.) Whiskey Tango Foxtrot (2016)
Tina Fey movies have a tendency to bury their universal "life is what you make of it" messages under self-effacing humor, and this is no exception. The sour reviews led me to expect a dud, but I much enjoyed the humor (especially Billy Bob Thornton's dry delivery). It turns out that life, even in a war zone, is what you make of it. Who knew?

70. (1129.) Hot Millions (1968)
Peter Ustinov wrote and starred in this very Peter Sellers-like comedy about a would-be embezzler who has more scruples than almost everyone in the business world around him. Cute.

71. (1130.) Love Is a Many-Splendored Thing (1955)
This mundane story — an American reporter falls in love with a "Eurasian" doctor and their life is complicated by the expectations of their cultures — is exactly the sort of tripe men complain about when they deride Harelequin Romance novels. If this is what love is like, I'll have no part of it. (Though I quit watching after an hour, that was was still time better spent than watching Hangar 18. Blech.)

More to come.

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Cinnamon Frosted Flakes are a real thing now. I haven't had them yet, and after watching this commercial, I can tell you I never will. We'll be right back after this message.

Did you hear that guy at the end of the commercial say that Cinnamon Frosted Flakes "tastes like victory"? Does Kellogg's know where that line comes from? Have they never seen Robert Duvall as the satiric Lt. Col. Kilgore in Apocalypse Now?

Once upon a time, art and literature employed allusions to previous works audiences would be familiar with in order to reinforce concepts. In modern America, corporations still use allusions, but they no longer expect the audience to understand them rationally. They only want to trigger an emotional connection. "Oh, yeah. I remember Apocalypse Now. I liked it. I bet I'd like Cinnamon Frosted Flakes."

Kellogg's doesn't care if the actual reference is to napalm, a weapon used to burn people to death. Nor does Dodge care if their products are pitched by Star Wars' oppressive evil Empire. Six Flags gladly names roller coasters after DC Comics serial killers.

So good luck with your new product, Kellogg's, but I still pay attention to who is trying to sell me something. Kilgore can keep his cinnamon. I'll stick with my Sugar Frosted Flakes, the cereal that Superman says is the best.

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