Showing 1 - 8 of 8 posts found matching keyword: april fools
Monday 1 April 2019
They can stop making super hero movies now.
53. (1492.) Aquaman (2018)
What a film. Those underwater effects, especially that CGI hair! That chemistry between the male and female leads! And all that that murder! (Our heroes kill, what, hundreds? Thousands? Bah, they had it coming! Get 'er done!) I don't have the words. Simply indescribable.
I suppose if I wanted to pick at nits, I could ask how someone with skin strong enough to resist grenade blasts could get a chest full of tattoos. Or why he wears his boots in the water. Or why he can swim faster by not kicking his legs. Or how he knows the secret Atlantean technique to spin a trident that his brother, the trained Atlantean warrior, doesn't. Or many, many other things. But Aquaman doesn't care about such things. Who's got time for details when you've got a whole ocean of things to kill, dude bro!
Hands down, my favorite quote was when Aquaman was riding in his girlfriend's magical underwater car and says "Shit happens." Boy, does it!
Good luck topping that, Shazam!.
Sunday 1 April 2018
Now Thomas, one of the twelve, called the Twin, was not with them when Jesus came. So the other disciples told him, "We have seen the Lord." But he said to them, "Unless I see in his hands the mark of the nails, and place my finger into the mark of the nails, and place my hand into his side, I will never believe."
Eight days later, his disciples were inside again, and Thomas was with them. Although the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, "Peace be with you." Then he said to Thomas, "Put your finger here, and see my hands; and put out your hand, and place it in my side. Do not disbelieve, but believe." Thomas answered him, "Hey, wait. This is just makeup." Jesus said to him, "April Fools!"
Friday 1 April 2016
From the Bug on Windshield Department:
Criminals are stealing drugs intended for American soldiers overseas. While this might seem to be a federal crime, Superior City assistant district attorney Rick Raleigh is keen to get involved. It's for the troops!
Hit Comics #24, October 1942
The rest of the adventure is pretty predictable. The Red Bee slugs some people, gets knocked out, wakes up and slugs some more people, gets knocked out, and wakes up and slugs even more people. While that may seem like an oversimplified way to solve problems, I'm pretty sure it's an accurate description of how we won World War II.
April fools! The Red Bee does NOT return in the next or any future issues of Hit Comics. Next issue, he will be replaced by the debut of Kid Eternity, a ghost child assisted by the spirits of dead famous people. That's a way better power than a trained bee.
Wednesday 1 April 2015
I admit it: I was wrong.
I finally did the thing I said I wasn't going to do and watched Man of Steel (2013). I can say emphatically that it is a great movie with a stirring, swiftly moving plot, realistic characters, and bright, engaging visuals combine for a movie experience second to none.
I realize now that I've been mistaken in criticizing producer Christopher Nolan in the past for making movies that forsake the larger-than-life, heroic elements of superheroes to focus instead on their foibles. In the 21st century, we already have enough heroes; what we need is more mindless entertainment. The more rampant destruction and murder appearing on the screen, the better.
I've also come around to appreciate that sweet new costume. Bright colors would only distract from the well-crafted illusion that this story of alien invasions takes place in the real world. Besides, using anything other than custom-made plastic suit printed in interlocking rings instead of real fabrics would be a waste of high definition technology.
So shame on me for resisting everybody's favorite film for all these years. Maybe I don't really know what I like anymore.
Monday 1 April 2013
Today is April Fool's Day, which means that everything you read on the Internet today will be totally made-up junk. If everything on the Internet today is totally made-up junk, then if I say that today is April Fool's Day today, it must not be.
If you didn't just explode, then you must be a human, not a web-crawling 'bot.
The inherent logical paradox in my opening paragraph is mankind's primary defense against the rise of spontaneous self-sentience on the Internet. So next time you fall for an April Fool's Day prank on the Internet, don't get angry. Instead give thanks that April Fool's Day exists to protect humanity from The Rise of the Machines.
April Fool's Day: saving the world from the Matrix since the sixteenth century.
Saturday 2 April 2011
I woke up on April Fool's Day to find the following text message:
From: Fike -- Breaking news and i wanted to be the 1st to tell you. Pennington tore his acl playing basketball. You may be free of him for good now
Of course I immediately assumed that Fike was pulling an April Fool's Day prank on me. As you no doubt know, loyal reader, I am no fan of professional quarterback (recently employed by the Miami Dolphins) Chad "Noodle-Arm" Pennington. As I said on August 11, 2008:
It's not that I hate Pennington, I just don't see him as the answer to any of our many questions. He's old, his naturally weak arm is practically nonexistent after several operations, and he was unable to provide enough leadership in New York last year.
Replace "New York" with "Miami" and everything about that above statement is still completely true almost three years later! A joke about the health of Pennington is tailor made to get my goat, and that scumbag Fike knows it. It'd be just like him to ruin my day by getting my hopes up that Pennington was truly finished as a pro quarterback.
However, it seems that maybe I should have given my good friend Fike the benefit of the doubt. Both the Associated Press and the Miami Sun-Sentinel are reporting that Pennington really did injure his ACL in a pickup basketball game on Thursday. Hooray!
Seriously, I do wish Pennington the best possible recovery, but I really, really hope he takes the hints his body is trying to send him and hangs up his cleats for good. The Miami Dolphins don't need his help; they are already bad enough without him on their roster.
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Thursday 31 March 2011
True story: a man has died in a one-car accident in New Orleans. The man's name was Lance Williams, and he was found dead in the Desire neighborhood of New Orleans after his car left the road and struck a rigid utility pole. According to investigators, speed was an issue.
Punchline: Mr. Williams was known to drive one-handed; he had a police record as a serial masturbator. He had been arrested multiple times for public indecency, his latest as recently as March 23. Reportedly, he liked to drive up to women and pleasure himself from the driver's seat of his car.
If the New Orleans Times-Picayune hadn't run this story last Monday, I would have sworn that it was an April Fool's joke. Though the facts in this case are pretty hard to swallow, to have made jokes about this man's death would have been in bad taste. Let this be a lesson, kids: keep your eyes on the road and your hands off the stick shift, or you might find you've made a big mess of yourself.
Thursday 1 April 2010
Consistent with the law of diminishing returns, maintaining this blog has become less and less attractive to me. I was re-reading some of my posts from 2006, and it seems that once upon a time I was wittier and more original with my posts than I am now. Since I can't top the work that came before, why bother to try? Rather than continue posting more and more banal comments until updating this site becomes mere drudgery, I've decided that this will be my last post. Instead, I will be devoting this time and attention to other tasks that I am sure that I will find more fulfilling. In fact, I think maybe I'll finally pursue my life's dream and try my hand at competitive eating. Yeah, that's the ticket.