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I don't mean to tell the King of the Sea his business, but he's doing it wrong.

Left to loosen, son!
Aquaman #1 (Jan-Feb 1962)

Yes, I am willing to accept the premise that Aquaman and Aqualad have been magically reduced to three inches in height by a water sprite (named Quisp!) in an attempt to save them from rampaging Inner Earth fire trolls.

And every DC fan knows that Atlanteans can only survive out of the water — salty or otherwise — for one hour, so obviously they need to get into this Army Jeep's radiator to stay alive. (Antifreeze poisoning? Never heard of it.)

Yet I just can't get past the fact that Aquaman doesn't know how to open a radiator cap.

My suspension of disbelief only goes so far.

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Perhaps I might have enjoyed the Aquaman movie if it had been more grounded in reality like the comic books.

You should see what he can do with a watermelon
from "Aquaman Duels the Animal-Master!" Adventure Comics #261 (1959)

Oh. Nevermind.

(In the following issue, he also has control of seagulls. First fish, then mammals, then birds. I'm sure that hydrocephalic babies are next. Logically, that's called a slippery slope argument. Aquaman probably controls that, too.)

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They can stop making super hero movies now.

53. (1492.) Aquaman (2018)

What a film. Those underwater effects, especially that CGI hair! That chemistry between the male and female leads! And all that that murder! (Our heroes kill, what, hundreds? Thousands? Bah, they had it coming! Get 'er done!) I don't have the words. Simply indescribable.

I suppose if I wanted to pick at nits, I could ask how someone with skin strong enough to resist grenade blasts could get a chest full of tattoos. Or why he wears his boots in the water. Or why he can swim faster by not kicking his legs. Or how he knows the secret Atlantean technique to spin a trident that his brother, the trained Atlantean warrior, doesn't. Or many, many other things. But Aquaman doesn't care about such things. Who's got time for details when you've got a whole ocean of things to kill, dude bro!

Hands down, my favorite quote was when Aquaman was riding in his girlfriend's magical underwater car and says "Shit happens." Boy, does it!

Good luck topping that, Shazam!.

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To be continued...


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