If any commercial could get me to start drinking beer....

For those of you who don't watch the right kinds of television, I created that advertisement from footage of the 1978 The Incredible Hulk television show episode "A Child in Need," in which the Hulk solves a case of child abuse by beating the shit out of the child abuser. Violence is always the answer!

By the way, the title of that video, "Flagler Hits the Spot," was suggested by my mother. So blame her.

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Movies watched in March, part 1 of 3:

23. (1882.) Romance on the High Seas (1948)
This was Doris Day's first movie, and she's as cute as a freckled button. I've never been a huge fan of her 60s sex comedies opposite Rock Hudson (what with their badly outdated sexual politics), but her natural charisma is obvious here. It's no wonder she went on to become such a star.

24. (1883.) Avengers: Endgame (2019)
I said I wasn't going to watch this after how angry I was at how much Avengers: Infinity War sucked, but it finally came on broadcast television, and I didn't have anything better to do. It's not as bad as A:IW, but that's not the same as being good. In fact, I'm sure I'd hate it if A:IW hadn't set the bar so damn low that it couldn't even be tripped over. And there was Coke.

The story of how Bruce Banner and the Hulk merged would make a better movie than what this actually gave us.

25. (1884.) Calamity Jane (1953)
Another Doris Day movie (because Doris Day was the TCM "Star of the Month"), this one featuring an entirely fictional version of Calamity Jane in what is transparently a rip-off of the far superior Annie Get Your Gun. I fell asleep halfway through.

26. (1885.) I'll See You in My Dreams (1951)
Hey, look! It's Doris Day! Here she's the wife (and ambition and conscience and just plain better half) of Danny Thomas' bland songwriter Gus Kahn. I guess it's Kahn's biography (at least the Hollywood version of it), but it would have been a better movie if Day had been given the lead part.

27. (1886.) The Foreigner (2017)
Old Man Jackie Chan proves that he's probably a better actor than he gets credit for in this political action/thriller opposite Pierce Brosnan. I liked it.

28. (1887.) The Wild, Wild Planet (1966)
In the future, Mutants come to Earth to steal humans for a mad scientist's genetic experiments. Perhaps just because of what sci-fi was in the era, this feels a little like an amateur filmmaker's attempt at an original Star Trek movie, and some of the concepts are interesting. Just about everything else is bad, maybe bad enough to come around to the other side if you were in just the right mood. I wasn't.

More to come.

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More movies!

13. (1872.) Bachelor in Paradise (1961)
I've never been a big fan of Bob Hope's 1940s girl-crazy movie persona, but I thought this 1960s sex-comedy let the air out of that balloon rather enjoyably. It helped that his next-door neighbor was hottie Paula Prentis.

14. (1873.) Crossword Mysteries: Terminal Descent (2021)
A new Hallmark mystery movie! Not a very good one, though. None of the "Crossword Mysteries" have been. But I'll take anything I can get in these desperate pandemic times.

15. (1874.) The Last of Sheila (1973)
See, *this* is how a whodunit should be made! With story credits to Anthony Perkins and Stephen Sondheim (!?!), this film features a small pool of motivated characters, each a familiar Hollywood stereotype. It has some pretty good twists, and I'm happy to say that yes, I did solve it long before the end. (Hint: Director Herbert Ross and editor Edward Warschilka deserve credit for both laying out the scenario fairly and including no wasted scenes.)

16. (1875.) Piranha (1978)
A truly stupid monster horror film desperate to cash in on that Jaws money, down to the holiday beach party that cannot be canceled despite the oncoming school of bloodthirsty piranha — pronounced piran-ya. It's great shlock, especially if you like 1970s Incredible Hulk guest stars like Bradford Dillman and Heather Menzies.

"We're going to have a beach party (and drink Coke) even if it kills us!"

17. (1876.) The Umbrellas of Cherbourg (1964)
From the beginning, I wanted to hate it and its mundane "young love troubles" plot, but the sets are too great and the singing is too great and the ending is too great. It's just great. (I'd heard it was the inspiration for La La Land, and now that I've seen it, the connection is obvious.) I loved it.

More to come.

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Since I obviously don't have much else to say right now, let's just keep going with movie reviews, shall we?

50. (1279.) Straight Outta Compton (2015)
Nostalgia is insidious! I distinctly recall that I was no fan of "gangsta" rap back in the day, but watching this movie I caught myself thinking how much better NWA was than the hip hop I've heard recently. That realization made me ask myself whether I like the older music just because it's more familiar? By the same regard, did I enjoy this movie, or did I just enjoy revisiting my past? Dammit! Fuck you, nostalgia.

51. (1280.) Power Rangers (2017)
Another nostalgia trip, if you liked Power Rangers on TV, I don't see why you wouldn't like it here. Unless you hate Krispy Kreme doughnuts. I admit this product placement feels a little too forced.

52. (1281.) Macon County Line (1974)
A different sort of nostalgia for the Korean War generation, this unnecessary bit of youth-in-revolt thriller cinema was written by The Beverly Hillbillies' Jethro, filmed with southern California standing in for Georgia, and probably shouldn't be watched by anyone. I share this piece of product placement as a public service announcement:

That Coke is the only good thing to happen to him in the whole movie.

53. (1282.) Return to Macon County (1975)
Macon County made its producers a lot of money, so the next year they came back with this, a sequel in name only. This one stars before-they-were-famous actors Nick Nolte and Don Johnson as drag race wannabes. (I was more excited to recognize the gun-happy waitress as Robin Mattson, the sister-in-law of the titular "Ricky" in one of the best episodes of The Incredible Hulk.) Don't let all that star power excite you, this is just as boring as its predecessor, though this was at least filmed in Georgia, which might explain why Coca-Cola doubled down on the product placement.

Smile, boys. You're having a Coke!

That's still not the end of March movies!. More to come.

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September movies watched, part 2 of 2:

126. (1185.) Rattlers (1976)
Military-grade rattlesnakes go on a rampage! There are a lot of (unintentional?) chuckles to be had here.
[UPDATE 2018-02-14: Note to self — this movie was clearly the inspiration for The Incredible Hulk episode "Blind Rage" which was released three years later. Is this bit of trivia important? Only to me.]

127. (1186.) Kingsman: The Golden Circle (2017)
Not as good as the first, but isn't the law of diminishing returns true for most sequels? Seriously, Colin Firth is much, much too good an actor to be in this kind of movie, but he looks like he's having a blast. So does Elton John. When the actors are having fun, it's fun to watch.
[UPDATE 2021-03-06: Note to self — Coke is it!]

Wait, it's the movie *villain* who's obsessed with Coke? Did Coca-Cola know that before signing off on this placement?

128. (1187.) The Book of Life (2014)
The charm of this animated movie is in the art design. The story, I'm sorry to say, isn't up to the same standard. I fast-forwarded through the third act just to get it over with.

129. (1188.) Avengers: Age of Ultron (2015)
Wow. If Kingsman 2 suffers from entropy, this sequel is a black hole. It's charming when the principle actors are on screen interacting directly, as in the party at Stark's office. However, the plentiful action scenes — the whole reason something like this is made in the first place — are a muddled, artificial mess with bad pacing, randomly shifting character motivations, and weak, repetitive CGI. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

More to come.

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1. The story of Dwarfy McDwarf

Dwarfy McDwarf was a self-centered dwarf from the Crags in search of adventure. Dwarfy wandered into the Highlands where he bravely dared Narrow and Icy Paths. Dwarfy slayed Harpies and Hippogrifs galore, gaining tremendous Strength in the process. Dwarfy's exploits in the Highlands earned him several Followers, all of whom quickly succumbed to the deadly dragon's breath of the Dragon King.

Dwarfy headed to the Dungeon to test his mettle. Dwarfy found an abundance of gold, weapons, armor, and trinkets in the Dungeon. Nothing in the Dungeon could survive Dwarfy's unmatched Strength. After a brief detour to avoid the Dungeon Torturer, Dwarfy easily beat the Lord of the Dungeon in single combat.

Determined to find a real challenge, Dwarfy marched undaunted to the lair of the Dragon King, pausing only long enough to engage the services of a Tavern Maid. In the end, the Dragon King presented little challenge for Dwarfy, and Dwarfy assumed the Crown of Command and lived happily ever after. The End.

2. The story of the Necromancer

The evil Necromancer left the Graveyard and soon found a powerful Skull Wand. He sought out the Village Mystic in search of more power. The Mystic unexpectedly turned the evil Necromancer good, forcing the Necromancer to relinquish control of the Skull Wand.

The good Necromancer wandered the region in search of a method to restore his evilness. The Necromancer was eventually joined by an unlikely Follower, Red Riding Hood, whose "help" would ultimately prove a bane. The Necromancer returned frequently to the Village Mystic, who eventually relented and turned the good Necromancer evil again.

By this time, a very Crafty Assassin had found the abandoned Skull Wand and made off with it. The evil Necromancer vowed to track down and overpower the Assassin to recover his precious Skull Wand, but he knew that he would have to improve his Strength and/or Craft before confronting the Assassin.

The evil Necromancer visited the Dungeon in search of Strength and Craft, but was soon chased out empty-handed by a powerful Battlehulk hunting Red Riding Hood.

The evil Necromancer searched the Outer Region in search of Strength and Craft, but was soon chased out empty-handed by a powerful Fire Giant hunting Red Riding Hood.

The evil Necromancer roamed the Highlands in search of Strength and Craft, and here he collected countless objects, survived two Avalanches, earned the loyalty of several followers, and effortlessly defeated the Eagle King. Despite all these adventures, the evil Necromancer was unable to ever gain any Strength or hone his Craft or find any sign of the Skull Wand ever again. The End.

...

I played my first two games of Talisman this past weekend. You can probably tell which of the two games I enjoyed more.

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This weekend I broke my 5-year boycott of movie theaters. The last movie I saw in theaters was Iron Man. It's not that I have been going out of my way to avoid theaters (though I hate crowds of obnoxious people, which is to say all crowds). More so, it has been a combination of a lack of excitement about new films and a need to conserve money on luxuries such as movie tickets. Both of those barriers were overcome with the release of The Avengers.

You are naturally expecting me to excoriate the film, so let me go ahead and tell you that I really hated Captain America's costume. If Captain America is a symbol of everything that's right with American philosophy and a natural leader of men, why doesn't he have stars and stripes on the back of his costume? In the film, his back and ass are just a solid wall of blue. Are the troops he's leading into battle less deserving of inspiration than the foes that Cap is fighting? Sure, it's a minor point, but it's my biggest quibble. That should tell you how much I enjoyed the movie.

My second and even more minor complaint is that the Hulk's only line of dialogue was poorly timed, coming as it did so quickly after the villain's comeuppance. An excited audience trampled all over it as writer/director/king-of-fan-service Joss Whedon should have known it would. That won't be a problem when I watch the movie on DVD at my house, but it is a fine example of why I don't spend money to go to theaters.

The biggest side effect of my aversion to theaters has resulted in few opportunities to wait in line with the people I like to wait in line with. We haven't done that in years, and I enjoyed it. I hope they enjoyed it, too. Which of course I'm sure they did. (Except maybe for poor Brian, who had to listen to my constant gripes about Captain America's costume. Brian, I'm sorry the producers couldn't get Cap's costume right. Better luck next time.)

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I beat my own record from February, and caught 33 new-to-me movies in March. The month started slow, but once mom went out of town and I had free access to the television, I was able to make up for lost time. I probably would've done better than that if I hadn't spent so much time on movies that I'd already seen.

It started with Back to the Future. I've seen that movie countless times. I own it. I can quote almost all of Marty McFly's dialogue in the entire film. Watching that film makes me happy, like a drug. Warning kids: recreational drug use always leads to trouble.

This time, the Back to the Future-roofie led me watch a movie I wasn't planning to watch. Because I like Back to the Future so much, I liked the new movie despite my expectations. And then I liked that movie's sequel. And the sequel's sequel and the sequel's sequel's sequel. Despite my best intentions, I just kept watching; Back to the Future had turned me into an addict for Twilight.

57. Twilight (2008)
61. New Moon (2009)
62. The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (2010)
67. The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1 (2011)

Let me pause here and emphasize that this is not an April Fool's Day post. Seriously, I typically can't stand vampire stories, especially when they try to explain the creatures scientifically. Immortal creatures endlessly masquerading as high school students? I thought high school was bad enough living though it just once; I'd drink blood before I did it again.

Add werewolves to the story, and my interest should plummet further. Creatures who gain and lose incredible mass based on the phase of the moon? That's as believable as the Incredible Hulk. But it was from comic books that I drew the suspension of disbelief required to enjoy these films. A few conspicuously useful super powers used conservatively between a lot of talking about being outcasts? Vampire Edward Cullen and his clan are not significantly different than the X-Men.

More importantly, Twilight does something very, very right by way of Kristen Stewart in the role of *cough* Bella Swan. Insecurely hiding from attention, biting her fingers, chewing her lips, and sulking, she convinced me that she was a high-school student in love. It's endearing. Before the first movie was halfway over, I wanted that girl to end up happy, even if she has to become an undead bloodsucker to do it.

Can I recommend these films to anyone? Probably not. They are slow and self-indulgent. But I liked 'em, and for that I'm blaming Back to the Future: the gateway drug of the movie industry.

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The grocery store down the street from my house has announced that it will be closing as soon as possible. No specific announcement was made as to the recent health of this young store built in 2009, just that the organization was looking to "solidify" operations and better serve customers in "markets with high density." In other words, this Food Lion was too big for its cage.

It's the law of the concrete jungle that only the strong can survive, and the pride has decided that for its own endurance, it must sacrifice this particular Food Lion. Given the pride's determination and swift action, the Lion's demise appears inevitable at this point. The question is not how can it be saved, but rather what will become of its body?

Like ants at a feast, shoppers hungry for bargains are already swarming the Food Lion, carrying off all they can bear in a diligent, unending stream, an opportunistic orgy of demolition. At least the unfortunate fate of this Food Lion will result in sustenance for other, luckier creatures.

What's left of the carcass will be discounted tomorrow, lime thrown over the body to speed the decomposition process. Opportunistic scavengers will remove the remaining stored comestibles in bottles and boxes from the store's innards. In a short time, all that will remain are the bone-white stretches of empty shelves, picked clean of the tiniest remnants of nutrition.

In the end, the community will be left with a hulking brick shell of a building, a skeletal reminder of the latest victim of the never-ending recession. Will this corpse be soon reclaimed, resurrected perhaps as a Giant Eagle or a Piggly Wiggly? Whatever the future, only time will erase the memory of the cub it once was and the Lion it was denied the chance of becoming.

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Someone should have told me that David Hasselhoff was getting a "reality" show on A&E called, appropriately enough, The Hasselhoffs. The series premiered with the episode "Hoff the Record" yesterday, and showcases David shepherding his daughters into the music business. I'm sure that the show will be a big hit. In Germany.

So now that it is clear that my childhood Hollywood icons are selling out their "lives" for another shot at televised fame, who else should I expect to open the doors to their wacky family foibles? Hulk Hogan, Mr. T, Scott Baio, Stephen Segal, and now David Hasselhoff have fallen for the sirens' call. Who's next?

• Harry Anderson (Night Court) in Harry on the Outside?
• Catherine Bache (Dukes of Hazzard) in Baby Got Bache?
• Dave Coulier (Full House) in Coulier Than You?
• Ted Dansen (Cheers) in Dansen with the Stars?
• Emilio Estevez (Breakfast Club) in A Polished Sheen?
• Lou Ferrigno (Incredible Hulk) in Should I Stay or Should I Ferrigno?
• Richard Grieco (Booker) in It's All Grieco to Me?
• Pamela Hensley (Buck Rogers) in Fox in the Hensley House?
• Kathy Ireland (Sports Illustrated) in Ireland Eyes are Smiling?
• Don Johnson (Miami Vice) in Sonny Side Up?
• William Katt (Greatest American Hero) in The Katt in the Hat?
• Joey Lawrence (Gimme a Break!) in Laying Down the Lawrence?
• Ralph Macchio (Karate Kid) in Maccio, Macchio, Man?
• Leonard Nimoy (Star Trek) in Leonard Long and Prosper?
• Jerry O'Connell (My Secret Identity) in Oh, Jerry Art Thou?
• Bronson Pinchot (Perfect Strangers) in A Little Pinchot Goes a Long Way?
• Randy Quaid (National Lampoon's Vacation) in Quaid-y as a Fox?
• Judge Reinhold (Fast Times at Ridgemont High) in Lest Ye Be Judge'd?
• Ricky Schroeder (Silver Spoons) in Schroeder the Load?
• Alan Thicke (Growing Pains) in In the Thicke of It?
• Blair Underwood (L.A. Law) in Fresh Blair?
• Dick Van Patten (Eight is Enough) in Van Patten Down the Hatches?
• Lisa Whelchel (Facts of Life) in Any Whelchel Way but Lisa?
• Xuxa (Xuxa, pronounced "shue-sha") in Shopping for Xuxa?
• Tina Yothers (Family Ties) in Yothers and Sisters?
• Stephanie Zimbalist (Remington Steele) in Last but not Zimbalist?

Never mind. I don't want to know. I won't watch anyway.

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