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If any commercial could get me to start drinking beer....

For those of you who don't watch the right kinds of television, I created that advertisement from footage of the 1978 The Incredible Hulk television show episode "A Child in Need," in which the Hulk solves a case of child abuse by beating the shit out of the child abuser. Violence is always the answer!

By the way, the title of that video, "Flagler Hits the Spot," was suggested by my mother. So blame her.

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Movies watched in March, part 1 of 3:

23. (1882.) Romance on the High Seas (1948)
This was Doris Day's first movie, and she's as cute as a freckled button. I've never been a huge fan of her 60s sex comedies opposite Rock Hudson (what with their badly outdated sexual politics), but her natural charisma is obvious here. It's no wonder she went on to become such a star.

24. (1883.) Avengers: Endgame (2019)
I said I wasn't going to watch this after how angry I was at how much Avengers: Infinity War sucked, but it finally came on broadcast television, and I didn't have anything better to do. It's not as bad as A:IW, but that's not the same as being good. In fact, I'm sure I'd hate it if A:IW hadn't set the bar so damn low that it couldn't even be tripped over. And there was Coke.

Drink Coke! (Avengers Endgame)
The story of how Bruce Banner and the Hulk merged would make a better movie than what this actually gave us.

25. (1884.) Calamity Jane (1953)
Another Doris Day movie (because Doris Day was the TCM "Star of the Month"), this one featuring an entirely fictional version of Calamity Jane in what is transparently a rip-off of the far superior Annie Get Your Gun. I fell asleep halfway through.

26. (1885.) I'll See You in My Dreams (1951)
Hey, look! It's Doris Day! Here she's the wife (and ambition and conscience and just plain better half) of Danny Thomas' bland songwriter Gus Kahn. I guess it's Kahn's biography (at least the Hollywood version of it), but it would have been a better movie if Day had been given the lead part.

27. (1886.) The Foreigner (2017)
Old Man Jackie Chan proves that he's probably a better actor than he gets credit for in this political action/thriller opposite Pierce Brosnan. I liked it.

28. (1887.) The Wild, Wild Planet (1966)
In the future, Mutants come to Earth to steal humans for a mad scientist's genetic experiments. Perhaps just because of what sci-fi was in the era, this feels a little like an amateur filmmaker's attempt at an original Star Trek movie, and some of the concepts are interesting. Just about everything else is bad, maybe bad enough to come around to the other side if you were in just the right mood. I wasn't.

More to come.

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September movies watched, part 2 of 2:

126. (1185.) Rattlers (1976)
Military-grade rattlesnakes go on a rampage! There are a lot of (unintentional?) chuckles to be had here.
[UPDATE 2018-02-14: Note to self — this movie was clearly the inspiration for The Incredible Hulk episode "Blind Rage" which was released three years later. Is this bit of trivia important? Only to me.]

127. (1186.) Kingsman: The Golden Circle (2017)
Not as good as the first, but isn't the law of diminishing returns true for most sequels? Seriously, Colin Firth is much, much too good an actor to be in this kind of movie, but he looks like he's having a blast. So does Elton John. When the actors are having fun, it's fun to watch.
[UPDATE 2021-03-06: Note to self — Coke is it!]

Drink Coke! (Kingsman: The Golden Circle)
Wait, it's the movie *villain* who's obsessed with Coke? Did Coca-Cola know that before signing off on this placement?

128. (1187.) The Book of Life (2014)
The charm of this animated movie is in the art design. The story, I'm sorry to say, isn't up to the same standard. I fast-forwarded through the third act just to get it over with.

129. (1188.) Avengers: Age of Ultron (2015)
Wow. If Kingsman 2 suffers from entropy, this sequel is a black hole. It's charming when the principle actors are on screen interacting directly, as in the party at Stark's office. However, the plentiful action scenes — the whole reason something like this is made in the first place — are a muddled, artificial mess with bad pacing, randomly shifting character motivations, and weak, repetitive CGI. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

More to come.

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Oops. Just after flushing the toilet, I opened my Marvelâ„¢ The Amazing Spider-Manâ„¢ Complete chewable vitamins and accidentally dropped the lid and several vitamins down the drain. To my great surprise, this seemed to clear my toilet trap, though the sewer drain may be another matter entirely.

Big enough to choke a horse.

From this point forward I live each day in fear. I know that this incident will come back to haunt me. Which will strike first: an impassible child-proof pipe blockage or a vitamin-powered sewer crocodile? Only time will tell.

UPDATE 07/16/10: First strike goes to blockage. The top got stuck sideways in the toilet trap. So I've just dismantled the toilet, cleaned the trap, and put everything back together. Still I live in fear of the sewer monster powered up on Incredible Hulkâ„¢ multi-vitamins. I promise I will never watch Dreamcatcher again. (Though mainly because it is a terrible, terrible movie.)

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My brother has had a hard time finding friends to help him move. Says my brother between mouthfuls of barbecue at dinner, "I need more reliable friends like Superman's loyal pal Jimmy Olsen, not Rick Jones, who abandoned his pal the Hulk for Captain America." Verily, this is a universal truth.

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I know the Hulk is a few cucumbers short of a salad, but I'd certainly expect the Leader to know better.

No glass bottle can hold the Hulk!

"Without limit"? The speed of light is 186,000 miles per second. The speed at which electrical impulses travel along the brain's neurons tops out at .075 miles per second when you're drinking Red Bull. Therefore it would take a month for a thought to travel as far as light does in one second.

But what should I expect from two fellows who think that bathing in highly-lethal gamma radition is a sure path to fun and profit? No doubt, the Leader also thinks he uses the "unused" 90% of his brain that the averge human doesn't and that if he sneezed with his eyes open, they would pop out of his head.

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I was watching Kojak (with Telly Savalas, not Ving Rhames), and the first thing that struck me was just how many shots of Kojak driving down a street are in one hour of a Kojak episode. The NYPD apparently couldn't afford to paint Kojack's office, but he could drive his land yacht around greater New York all day without batting an eye. That's why we watch old tv, I guess: the nostalgia of the good old days of heroes who smoked, monochromatic cities, and 75¢ gallons of gasoline.

Then I noticed that Kojak was investigating a crime in a very familiar location. I'd seen the street that Kojak was cruising in about a dozen episodes of The Incredible Hulk. (If you've ever seen David thrown through a stack of empty boxes before being mysteriously replaced with Lou Ferrigno, you've probably seen these streets, too.) Apparently, this episode of Kojak was filmed on the back lot of Universal Studios in LA and not in New York City where the story was set. Imagine my surprise when Kojak's informant turns out to be Jack Colvin, better known as that pesky National Register reporter Jack McGee. Clearly, this is David's town, Kojak, you're just driving through it.

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Remember the television Incredible Hulk series? I watched an episode tonight where David Banner finagled himself a job as an orderly at an insane asylum. Now, you would think that would require background checks before a drifter who mumbles his last name (which always starts with a "B," that way David, a genius with degrees in physics and medical science, won't forget what his last name is supposed to be each week while still remaining "incognito") could get a job with no references or qualifications. Maybe you can work as a mechanic, short order cook, handyman, electrician, grocer, laboratory technician, gardener for an elementary school, boxing trainer, bartender, unlicensed driver, truck loader, nanny, store clerk, sports reporter, oil rigger, janitor, or choker setter without proving your qualifications, but I think it takes a little more to work for a hospital. At least I would hope that it would.

David, David, David. *sigh*

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To be continued...


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