Showing 1 - 10 of 39 posts found matching keyword: toys

When I started this series of posts, I thought that the shit emoji must be a fad that would lose its appeal over time. I was wrong.

That kid must feel so much relief

Yes, I showed you a floating pile of shit last year, but that one was recommended for ages 9 and up. This one is suitable for 7-year-olds. Next year expect shit-shaped water wings.

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Mom spotted this "not gross at all" product at the dollar store:

No, it's gross

She told me that she had to take a second glance at the "slimy and sticky" blurb. On first glance, she thought it said "scratch and sniff." She couldn't believe that anyone would want scratch and sniff poo.

It wasn't 30 minutes later when we found this on an endcap at Michaels:

I'm getting too old for this shit

I admit it; I scratched, and I sniffed. Do you want to smell my finger?

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Poo you hit with a stick.

A colorful piece of shit

I'm afraid to think what might come out.

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Louis Vuitton is a well known French luxury fashion brand famous for their expensive purses like the Artsy MM:

a bag for your shit

That purse retails for $2,000, which explains why they are such a common target for counterfeiters. Therefore, the company is unusually aggressive about taking legal action against perceived violators of their valuable brand. That's why they sent MGA Entertainment Inc. a cease and desist letter over MGA's top-selling toy, the Poopsie Pooey Puitton.

a shit bag

According to Amazon.com, Poopsie Pooey Puitton contains 12 unicorn food packets. "Just add water to make a rainbow of poop!" Who wouldn't want that? Other than Louis Vuitton, I mean.

In response to Louis Vuitton's bullying, MGA has pre-emptively sued to defend their right for parody speech. The following is a real sentence in a real court filing, per Reuters.

The use of the Pooey name and Pooey product in association with a product line of "magical unicorn poop" is intended to criticize or comment upon the rich and famous, the Louis Vuitton name, the LV marks, and on their conspicuous consumption.

Make a statement about rampant materialism; buy your Poopsie Pooey Puitton today! (Did I mention this product is aimed at 5- to 10-year-olds?)

And that's where we are now. 2019. Year of the magical unicorn poop. At least until Louis Vuitton gets their hands on it. Or gets it on their hands.

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I must be earning a reputation. I now have friends sending me pics of poo whenever they're spotted in the wild.

A 4-foot pile of shit should come with a doctor's warning

Thank you, Brian. If anything ever deserved to be on clearance at Wal-Mart, it's a toy based on everyone's favorite Caddyshack scene.

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Found in the lobby of my local grocery store:

I can't believe she's wearing that shit

This crappy machine is, in fact, in the same grocery store as before. I'm starting to think I shouldn't shop there anymore.

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This is NOT chocolate soft serve

It's a lollipop. You put it in your mouth. Eat shit, America!

Footnote: while investigating this "candy," I discovered that its manufacturer, Flix Candy, also makes a wind-up pile of shit. "Wind him up and watch him walk and poop candy!" they say. I think I'll pass.

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Found in the lobby of my local grocery store:

Not my pencil it doesn't

There is so much to say about this, but what I keep staring at is the fact that they're "chocolate scented." That may forever destroy my relationship with chocolate.

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Easter is all about a man who came back from the dead, so naturally we must be talking about Superman. That description applies doubly to the statue now sitting beside my television.

This Superman broke his chains and his ankles

It was a gift from a friend. He had ordered it for himself from eBay, but when it arrived in a shoebox of broken parts, I got an unexpected gift. Years ago he gave me a cracked copy of the Jan & Dean Meet Batman record album. "Give it to Walter; he'll glue anything!" (This is probably why I can't have nice things.)

Fortunately for Superman, I could rebuild him. I had the technology. Don't tell Steve Austin, but a new tube of 2-part epoxy costs considerably less than 6 million dollars. After a week of wire, tape, glue, and touch-up paint, Superman may not be good as new, but he's much better than he was.

Now if you'll excuse me, I think I hear some peanut-butter filled chocolate eggs calling my name.

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The 28th annual U.S. Public Interest Research Group Trouble in Toyland toy safety survey was released yesterday, and one of the offenders this year was the Captain America Soft Shield. The USPIRG is bent out of shape that it contains too much metal. What's it supposed to be made out of? Shields made of wool don't stop nearly as many bullets.

This shield is a small, soft version of Captain America's famous flying shield designed, you know, for kids. Apparently the manufacturer's idea of "softening" the shield is to make it with a soft metal, namely lead. USIPRG reports that its tests indicate the shield has 2,900 parts per million. Who cares if the federal limit is 100 ppm? Political Correctness really has gotten out of hand if we're now protecting Nazis from lead poisoning!

Is this really something we need the government to get involved in, anyway? One of the well-reported side-effects of lead poisoning is that children who have been poisoned become listless and stop playing with their toys. See? A self-correcting situation!

Another side effect of lead poisoning on the young is the common development of behavior disorders, including mental retardation. Only the mentally feeble would read Marvel Comic books, so this sounds like a comprehensive market strategy to me. Remember, The Walt Disney Company wouldn't do anything to hurt you or your children. They need consumers like you just as much as you need them.

The Free Market works, people. Leave it alone.

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To be continued...

 

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