Found in the lobby of my local grocery store:

This crappy machine is, in fact, in the same grocery store as before. I'm starting to think I shouldn't shop there anymore.

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It's a lollipop. You put it in your mouth. Eat shit, America!

Footnote: while investigating this "candy," I discovered that its manufacturer, Flix Candy, also makes a wind-up pile of shit. "Wind him up and watch him walk and poop candy!" they say. I think I'll pass.

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Found in the lobby of my local grocery store:

There is so much to say about this, but what I keep staring at is the fact that they're "chocolate scented." That may forever destroy my relationship with chocolate.

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Easter is all about a man who came back from the dead, so naturally we must be talking about Superman. That description applies doubly to the statue now sitting beside my television.

It was a gift from a friend. He had ordered it for himself from eBay, but when it arrived in a shoebox of broken parts, I got an unexpected gift. Years ago he gave me a cracked copy of the Jan & Dean Meet Batman record album. "Give it to Walter; he'll glue anything!" (This is probably why I can't have nice things.)

Fortunately for Superman, I could rebuild him. I had the technology. Don't tell Steve Austin, but a new tube of 2-part epoxy costs considerably less than 6 million dollars. After a week of wire, tape, glue, and touch-up paint, Superman may not be good as new, but he's much better than he was.

Now if you'll excuse me, I think I hear some peanut-butter filled chocolate eggs calling my name.

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The 28th annual U.S. Public Interest Research Group Trouble in Toyland toy safety survey was released yesterday, and one of the offenders this year was the Captain America Soft Shield. The USPIRG is bent out of shape that it contains too much metal. What's it supposed to be made out of? Shields made of wool don't stop nearly as many bullets.

This shield is a small, soft version of Captain America's famous flying shield designed, you know, for kids. Apparently the manufacturer's idea of "softening" the shield is to make it with a soft metal, namely lead. USIPRG reports that its tests indicate the shield has 2,900 parts per million. Who cares if the federal limit is 100 ppm? Political Correctness really has gotten out of hand if we're now protecting Nazis from lead poisoning!

Is this really something we need the government to get involved in, anyway? One of the well-reported side-effects of lead poisoning is that children who have been poisoned become listless and stop playing with their toys. See? A self-correcting situation!

Another side effect of lead poisoning on the young is the common development of behavior disorders, including mental retardation. Only the mentally feeble would read Marvel Comic books, so this sounds like a comprehensive market strategy to me. Remember, The Walt Disney Company wouldn't do anything to hurt you or your children. They need consumers like you just as much as you need them.

The Free Market works, people. Leave it alone.

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As I said in my first post this month, Superman turns 75 years old in 2013. To help illustrate how old that is, this is a picture of the very first Superman toy.

Your grandparents might have played with this thing. It's a toy made of wood! In the year 2013, not even toothpicks are made from wood anymore.

That's a 13-inch Superman figure made by Ideal Novelty & Toy Company in 1939/40. Back then they called it a doll. These days, we'd call that an action figure and emphasize its 14 points of articulation. After all, boys don't buy dolls.

This doll belongs to my friend Otto, who owns two of them. (Why 2? Because when Otto finds something this awesome, he doubles down!) His dolls have been restored and re-painted, especially noticeable on the faces. If you look at the original face of the doll, you might understand why. Hey, this is America; who hasn't had a facelift by the age of 75?

Happy Diamond Jubilee, Superman!

(If you're interested, you can see pictures of Otto's restorations on his Tumblr blog, otto-pedia.)

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Remember this?

According to the Padorapedia, that toy represents a SA-2 Samson. If you are one of the billion people who made the 2009 film Avatar the highest grossing movie of all time, you will probably recognize it as "that cool helicopter from Avatar."

Designed as a piece of CGI science fiction, it is both distinctive and totally awesome looking. There isn't anything quite like it either in the real world or even elsewhere in fiction. This uniqueness qualifies it as the intellectual property of whoever owns the rights to Avatar, be that either 20th Century Fox or James Cameron.

So of course I was surprised when I saw this in my local Target:

Finally we know the answer to "where does he get those wonderful toys." For the Batman, the best part of living outside the law means not paying licensing rights.

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Every year, they change fortune cookies formats on me. In the past, I have gotten statement cookies and platitude cookies. This past week, I ate a cookie that I would have guessed contained a typo, except the next several cookies were just as bad. So this year, I introduce the non-sequitur cookie. Bon a petite!

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According to Wikipedia, "the number of different shapes of the Rubik's Snake is at most

The real number of different shapes is lower and still unknown, since some configurations are spatially impossible (because they would require multiple prisms to occupy the same region of space)."

But I don't think you should expect the bow tie-wearing nerds working at Toys R Us to know that.

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One year ago, I uploaded a fortune cookie. After my recent dining experience yielded a banal "you display the wonderful trait of charm and courtesy," I've decided to reformat it as a platitude cookie. Have fun. Or don't. I don't really care.

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