I tried to warn you. I urged you to pick up your pitchforks and light your torches. But I was too late. The Uprising had already begun.

When researchers in North Dakota set up "nest cams" over the nests of song birds, they expected to see a lot of nestlings and eggs get taken by ground squirrels, foxes, and badgers. Squirrels hit thirteen nests, but other meat-eaters made a poor showing. Foxes and weasels only took one nest each. Know what fearsome animal out-did either of those two sleek, resourceful predators?

White-tailed deer.

That's a quote from a recent article at i09.com, but the article's sources are over a decade old! Apparently, the signs have been there the whole time, we've just been turning a blind eye. Remember Bambi? Walt Disney was trying to warn us in 1942, but we were too worried about Japs and Nazis to recognize the real danger.

When we were in high school, a wise man once told me that "there ain't nothing a deer won't eat except turnip greens and collards." I thought he was talking about things that grew in the garden. I didn't realize he meant me!

Don't ignore the warning signs. Eat more deer before the deer eat you!

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We finally really did it. You maniacs! The Georgia House of Representatives has passed House Bill 70, appointing the white-tailed deer as the Official Georgia State Mammal. Those traitors!

The Atlanta Journal-Constitution reports that the bill grew from a request by Columbus schoolchildren who noticed that Georgia had never bothered to sponsor a state animal. To fill that void, the kiddies suggested the gray fox. (Doesn't anyone know that humans are mammals?) Then the powerful deer lobby got involved.

Not every State Representative went along with this crazy plan, however. One of the dissenting voices belonged to Agriculture Committee Chairman Tom Call:

If this aggravating nuisance of an animal becomes the state symbol, is it ever going to be where we can't protect our property and crops just because it happens to be the state animal?

Call's very valid concerns were trampled by the other representatives in their stampede to the deer's banner. The final vote was 163-2. Ye gods!

That means the Georgia Senate is our last defense against this monstrosity. This is the same Georgia Senate that is considering banning A.P. U.S. History because it encourages critical thinking about what what Americans could do better and doesn't spend more time discussing our victory in the Cold War. All of which sounds like a great reason to stop teaching Georgia students about American History.

I have to say that they make a great point. If we never teach the kids about the Great Deer Uprising of 2010, they'll never know that we lost.

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The front page of the Atlanta newspaper warns us that we have entered End Times:

In November, a white-tailed buck's chief occupation is to make more deer. He'll stop at nothing, not even your Honda, because he has lost his mind....

The problem, of course, is that deer are now everywhere.... [T]hey are prey that have no predator.

The horror movies are coming true! Mankind is being stalked by an omnipresent alien force we are powerless to defeat! I've been warning you for years: deer are unstoppable killing machines.

Fortunately, not all hope is lost. Hondas may not make effective weapons, but scientists have found a machine that might be humanity's last, best hope to turn the tide.

"Basically, the front end of a Ford is the only factor helping to control the species," [UGA Deer Laboratory head Karl] Miller said.

Save us, science!

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Think the worst thing you can encounter at an airport is ebola? Think again!

The Associated Press recently reported that the deer's war on humanity continues unabated. It looks like the Great Deer Uprising has taken to the air!

Whether driven by hunger or just crazy for love, deer will do seemingly anything to get onto airport grounds and runways, including leaping over tall fences or squeezing under them. Once there, they like to warm themselves by sauntering on runways, which hold heat longer than bare ground. But put a deer and a plane together on a runway and both can have a very bad day.

The article gores on to note that there have been 29 injuries and one death in recent years. So next time you see a deer near the runway, do the safe thing and run away. Your life may deer-pend on it!

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"Deer will never win their war against humanity," you say. "Humans have big brains. We can out-think them." If that argument is keeping you in denial about the danger posed by our deadly woodland "friends," you better think again. People just keep ignoring the warning signs.

Kathleen O'Brien Wilhelm is trying to spread a similar message in Avon, Ohio. As she writes on avon-oh.patch.com:

Signs that read "Deer Crossing" and the like are going to continue to pop up throughout our country... but who are these signs for? Deer cannot read, do not obey the law and probably will cross where they wish.

Fear the anarchist deer! To be fair to Ms. Wilhelm, her ultimate argument as outlined in a series of op-ed posts is that all the deer — which she calls "death nuisance animals" — in Ohio should be eliminated. See, I'm not the only one who recognizes the problem!

The deer-pocalypse. It's closer than you think.

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On January 13, The Augusta Chronicle ran a story by "Staff Writer" Tracey McManus sounding the alert about the falling number donations of deer meat to charity in 2012. On January 19, that story made its way to the website of The Atlanta Journal-Constitution, where McManus was credited as a member of The Associated Press. By the time the AJC got around to publishing the story in its print edition, January 22, nine days after the story broke, McManus was credited not as a member of the AP, but simply as "Augusta Chronicle."

If you read this blog regularly, you know that this isn't a post about the state of journalism in the state of Georgia. No, this is a post about the dangers of the ongoing Great Deer Uprising of 2010! From the story:

Others have noted they've seen fewer deer this season than in years past, which many hunters are attributing to a coyote problem across the state.

Coyote problem? McManus never explains what exactly that problem might be, but combine this news with the story's premise, that deer meat is becoming rarer, and I think we can draw the obvious conclusion. Obviously, the coyote and deer are at war with the fate of humanity in the balance!

For what could the coyote and deer be dueling? Is it a simple matter of seizing more territory, like a Chicago mob war? Is it a struggle over AR-15 assault rifles before Big Brother can take them away from all of us? Or are the two groups continuing their age-old blood feud spawned when a young buck fell for a doe-eyed bitch?

Whatever the case, the enemy of my enemy is my friend. Thank you, coyotes, for standing up to our deer aggressors. Good dogs.

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The Atlanta Journal-Constitution just ran an article by Tim Eberly about a Newnan man who was shot in the back by his dog in 2010.

Incident reports list the shooter as a 3-year-old yellow Labrador named "Buddy." (The same report also states — it really does — that Buddy didn't have a hunting license and had not graduated from a hunter education course.)

Dog shoots man? That sounds like something that I should have heard about before now. So I did what any curious man would do in the 21st century; I turned to Google. To my great surprise, Google tells me that Mr. Murphy's incident wasn't the only "dog shoots man" event of 2010. The Merced [CA] Sun-Star reported a separate incident.

The victim apparently had been hunting with a friend in the 15000 block of Highway 152 near Los Banos [California]. After the men had completed their outing, the victim placed his shotgun on the ground and retrieved his decoy ducks from the water about 15 yards away. While retrieving the decoys, the victim's black Labrador retriever stepped on his loaded shotgun...

Twenty-Ten seems to have been a big year for gun-happy dogs, but that's not the whole story. Those two crimes don't appear to be isolated incidents. In 2011, the Salt Lake City Deseret News reported about a 46-year old man in Brigham City, Utah:

After the man got out of the boat, a dog inside the vessel jumped up on the bow and stepped on the gun. The gun fired and shot the man in the buttocks.

Georgia, California, and Utah? Could it be a national conspiracy of gun crazy pooches? No, it's bigger than that. Earlier this year, the BBC reported on a hunter who lost his hand in a shooting incident in Dordogne, France:

A leaping dog inadvertently shot his master in the hand by catching the trigger of his shotgun during a hunt in the Dordogne, south-western France. Two of the [Blue Gascony Basset hounds] ran off after a deer while the third, the youngest and new to hunting, stayed by his master, according to French news magazine Le Point. "[Then] he jumped on me to give me a cuddle, I think," [the victim] Rene said. "As he jumped, he put a paw on the gun."

And thus we see behind the curtain. There's no way that man's best friends could turn on us without provocation, and the mastermind behind these crimes is exactly the super villain we should have expected: deer! Deer who twisting the well-intended minds of dogs everywhere, corrupting them for use in their ongoing war with humanity!

First Newnan, now the world! Grab your guns and watch your dogs! While we were busy worrying about the Mayan Apocalypse, the Great Deer Uprising of 2010 went global in 2012!

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The University of Georgia College of Agricultural and Environmental Sciences has just released a 300-word report warning Georgia residents that there is very little that can be done to keep deer from eating their gardens. This is not news. Anyone who has read my extensive research on the subject will already know that deer will eat anything:

I was convinced that 1990 article for the school newspaper was going to get me beat up in high school. I didn't realize at the time that the only thing standing between me and an army of insatiably ravenous deer were teen-agers with guns. I'm sure we all feel much safer with that knowledge.

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"Man killed when ATV hits deer," reads the headline on The Newnan Times-Herald for Saturday, February 18, 2012. A casual reader may think to himself, "it must be a slow news day for that to be the lead story. A casual reader my scratch his head in bemusement at such a bizarre event. A casual reader might even wonder what a man was doing driving his ATV on a public road at 3 in the morning. However, trained observers know exactly what this means: the Great Deer Uprising of 2010 has entered its third year.

Quote: "a [Georgia State Patrol] official said it appeared to be 'an accident.'" Accident my ass. What are the odds that the one fellow riding his one-person ATV in the middle of the night would collide with the one deer standing in the middle of that road? Sounds pretty far-fetched to me.

This is at least the third deer-related automobile fatality in as many years here in Coweta County. In an unsourced and uncorborated -- and therefore utterly trustworthy -- report by the Daily Mail newspaper, "latest figures show that each year more than 100 people are killed with 10,000 injured after collisions with deer." Checking that math, if there has been one fatality per year in a county with a population of 127,000 people, multiplying that ratio against the United States population indicates that 2,453 people are being killed each year by deer-vehicle collisions! Wowzers!

I suspect that as the world's most-read online newspaper, Daily Mail must be suppressing the true numbers to prevent widespread panic, but maybe it is time for us to begin panicking. If, as I mentioned when I first reported on the Great Deer Uprising of 2010 back in January 2010, "three times is enemy action," 2,453 times must be all-out war! Clearly it is past time to take up arms against our cervidae oppressors. The Mayans were right; 2012 will be the year of the armageddon: for deer.

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Reign of the Deer: The Great Deer Uprising continues to make in-roads amongst the hearts and minds of the populace here in Newnan. One house nearby appears to have established a totem to our inevitable deer overlords.

This deer nativity scene is complete with a glowing moon, which any cervidaepologist worth his salt knows must be some sort of religious symbol for deer. All evil creatures, like deer and vampires, worship the moon. It's a commonly known fact.

The lawn of the house across the street features an inflatable Snoopy wearing a Santa Claus outfit. If the oncoming Deer Uprising does nothing other than abolish such nonsense as that, I think we can all agree that it will have been worth it.

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