Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water . . . .

CBS New York reports that Man's worst enemy, a deer, was spotted splashing in the waters off Long Island Sound yesterday. This is the first time I've heard of such a thing. The deer army is getting sophisticated; they've developed SEALs!

Apparently, the deer was not a powerful swimmer. Humanity might have been saved by mother nature. But no! The deer was not left alone to its fate. Rather it was fetched from the water, pulled to the safety shore by a retriever named Storm. Bad dog!

Now that deer have supplanted us as dogs' best friends, we can no longer let sleeping dogs lie. We must take swift action to prevent them from assembling against us. Break up the packs! Close the dog parks! Destroy the fire hydrants!

Grab any stray dog you see — especially the brown ones and the foreign ones! We'll throw them all in internment camps, caged like, well, dogs. No more walkies for them! Though we will let them keep their squeak toys. I mean, we're not animals.

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A man was run over by a deer on April Fool's Day. This is not a joke. I never joke about deer.

The man, one Cary McCook, had just gotten out of his truck and was minding his own business when he was hit by the deer. He wasn't in the middle of a forest, either, but was standing in front of a hotel. Nowhere is safe from the Great Deer Uprising, people!

However, this wasn't a premeditated mugging. It happens that this time, the deer was fleeing man's best friend. Good dog! That means that Mr. McCook wasn't a target as much as he was collateral damage. There's friendly fire in all wars.

First bigfeet joined humanity's opposition to our deer oppressors (as we learned last month), and now, dogs. That's both ends of the animal kingdom. What's next? Ticks?

The tide is turning against you, deer. Give up while you still can.

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Earlier this week, a woman in Idaho hit a deer with her car. That's not much of a news story. People hit deer with their cars all the time. StateFarm considers Idaho a high risk state, with a 1 in 147 chance that a driver will collide with a deer. Yet this particular story appeared in newspapers and television broadcasts across the country. Why?

Because the driver said that a sasquatch made it happen.

According to the original report in the Moscow-Pullman Daily News:

A 50-year-old Tensed woman driving south on U.S. Highway 95 reported seeing a sasquatch chasing a deer on the side of the road late Wednesday night near milepost 367 north of Potlatch, according to the Latah County Sheriff's Office. She told the sheriff's office she checked one of her mirrors to take a second look at the 7- to 8-foot tall "shaggy" object and after she refocused her eyes onto the road the deer ran in front of her. She struck it with her Subaru Forester.

Part of the beauty of this report is the level of detail. This story must be true. A Subaru Forester wouldn't lie.

Obviously, we can draw only one possible conclusion. Humanity has found another ally in our war against deerkind. The enemy of our enemy is our friend. Got get 'em, Bigfoot!

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The proletarian revolution of 2017 has begun. As reported by WGCL-TV of Atlanta:

Sales associates at the Nalley Lexus of Roswell received an unexpected visitor Monday afternoon. According to the company's Facebook page, the deer jumped through an open window before running around the office and sending patrons inside on high alert.

Video shows people dashing for cover as the vandal charged into the dealership and began a rampage that trashed furniture and glass doors. Eyewitnesses report that as the deer ran into the street, it shouted, "I'll be back."

And you know it's all true, because the news came from Facebook.

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I have been accused of being overzealous in my crusade to save humanity from its cervidae would-be conquerors. To paraphrase a quote from America's inspirational president-elect, I would rather live one day as a lion than 100 years as a deer. It turns out that I'm not the only one.

According to the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, a homeowners' association in neighboring Fayette County has a plan to deal with its "dangerous" deer problem. Instead of pussyfooting around with traps or sterilization, the Whitewater Creek Country Club Homeowners Association is planning to call in a team of federal sharpshooters. I assume they're talking about SEAL Team 6.

Naturally, any plan this bold will have its detractors. In this case, the bleeding heart residents have formed an opposition group they've named Concerned Citizens Against Deer Eradication. It's pretty clear they don't know what they're doing. CCADE is a terrible acronym.

The newspaper completely omits just how CCADE is planning to stop the WCCCHOA from executing its plan. It says they have hired "a Washington DC law firm," but I'm not sure how that's going to help. This is America. If there's anything we have more of than lawyers, it's bullets.

When will liberal, country club dwelling people learn? When it comes to remorseless deer marauding across your drought resistant Zoysia lawn or eating your organically fertilized, gluten free cucumbers, there's only one solution. Build a wall. And if you can get your neighbors to pay for it, all the better.

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Last week, the Athens Banner-Herald ran a news story about deer/vehicle collisions on state roads, including my favorite road, US Highway 29. The story ended with this line:

"In three instances, deputies had to shoot the badly injured deer."

Think about that. Imagine a scenario in which a police officer "had to" shoot a deer. What do you see? Does it look something like this?

It should. Those collisions weren't accidents. They were yet another offensive in deer's eternal war against humanity.

What if, instead of shooting them, the officers had given the "badly injured" deer medical attention and let them go free? How many days do you think would pass before that deer attacked another car? What if next time, it was your wife's car? Or your daughter's? Can you really afford to take that chance?

Deer. They'd do it to you.

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I have been watching, with some amusement, the current wave of clown hysteria that is sweeping the country. The news is overflowing with examples of clown-inspired chaos in Georgia alone. An 11-year-old Athens girl took a knife to school for self-defense in case of a clown outbreak. Troup County had to close schools after kids reported clowns abducting people in unmarked vans. Here in Newnan, a traveling carnival worker was arrested for scaring people in the Wal-Mart parking lot. Things have gotten so out of hand that the White House had to address the matter in a press briefing.

Apparently, waves of "creepy clown" sightings have washed across America off and on for the past 30 years, but they have historically been written off as hoaxes. However, things are changing in the Internet Age. In social media, fear spreads faster than reason.

[EDIT: Check out AtlasObscura.com's interactive map of "creepy clown" news items in America.]

This is all mass insanity. Killer Clowns From Outer Space isn't a real thing. Why are we wasting time clowning around when a much bigger threat is on the loose? No, I'm not talking about Donald Trump. (He's a different kind of clown.) What I am talking about is deer.

The Great Deer Uprising continues unabated. The United States National Park Service says that the deer have amassed armies "more than 10 times greater" than common around the battlefields of Monocacy, Manassas, and Antietam. Once again, the fate of the Union hangs in the balance. Rather than wait for the deer armies to make the next move, the NPS is deploying sharpshooters. The bloodiest battleground in American History is set to run red again.

Once the deer are back in their proper place, then we can worry about clowns or whatever else you've got. In the meantime, humanity has a war to win.

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Local governments across the Midwest have begun adopting a new sign to warn their citizens of the biggest danger on the road. Obviously, I'm talking about suicidal deer.

These signs seem to have generated some critical feedback from "social media," where they have been interpreted as making light of suicide. I guess every war has its protesters.

Before you decide whether the opposition is misguided or just misunderstood, ask yourself this: who is helping those deer strap on those suicide vests? Hooves are no good with zippers.

Sorry, Illinois Jane. The Great Deer Uprising of 2010 continues whether you want it to or not.

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"Authorities in Arkansas have arrested three men from Georgia in connection with a disturbing video involving a deer being beaten with a textbook."

That's the opening line of a news story Fox 5 Atlanta ran three weeks ago. I, too, find this video disturbing. I hate to see a good book ruined.

As the story goes, four young men — three of whom hailed from Carroll and Douglas counties here in Georgia — hit a deer with their car. Deciding to keep the deer as though they had shot it, they loaded it into their car. That was their first mistake.

Deer are not our friends. Deer are the Enemy. They destroy our crops and suicide bomb our cars. The last thing you want to do to a deer is give it a free ride.

After playing 'possum to get into the car, this duplicitous deer returned to life when its rescuers' backs were turned. It probably would have succeeded in stabbing the humans to death in their own car if not for the quick-thinking action of one of the young men, a native of Villa Rica, Georgia. This hero fought back with the only advantage mankind has over the dastardly deer: knowledge. He repeatedly hit the deer in the face with a college textbook.

At last we learn why textbooks cost so much. Not only are they full of boring trivia, in a pinch, they can also beat off wild animals. If I'd known that while attending college, I might have spent my student loans on books instead of pizza.

Eventually the deer was subdued and left in a ditch on the side of the road. The men, who filmed the encounter and put it on Facebook, are being charged with "wasting wildlife." That's a fancy name for littering.

While these four men should have known better, it's not too late for you to learn a couple of lessons from their misadventure. One, never pick up a hitchhiking deer, even if it's playing dead. And two, carry a textbook with you at all times. I recommend Art Through the Ages, but you can use whatever you like. Deer can't read.

I don't believe you.

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According to the Athens Banner-Herald, two men have been arrested for shooting a deer outside Watkinsville, Georgia. Sadly, the deer seems to have been an innocent casualty in the ongoing uprising between man and deer.

Bucky, as the friendly deer was known, was hanging out in a private field eating grass with tame cattle when the two men shot and killed him. From a public road. At night. It would be easy to call this a cowardly act, but that kind of assumption about the motives of others is likely what got Bucky killed in the first place.

Maybe the shooters thought they were doing the right thing. Someone had to defend those cows from the unwanted advances of an aggressive buck. The purity of the beef supply of the human race was at stake!

During wartime, it can sometimes be hard to differentiate the soldiers from the bystanders. It's easy to denigrate the enemy with slurs like "rackhead" or "grass-eater" then say "they all look alike to me" after killing a doe or fawn. But ignorance is no excuse for murder, even with the best of intentions.

Everyone is a victim in the Great Deer Uprising.

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