Showing 11 - 20 of 169 posts found matching keyword: family

Mom woke me up early because she couldn't turn on the television. The cause? Dead batteries in the remote control.

Dad complained that his washing machine was leaking water all over this pantry floor. The problem? The intake hose, which he had connected himself, was too loose and was spraying water everywhere.

No wonder my brother excommunicated himself from the family.

In 2003, co-worker Jeff showed me a lighter he couldn't get to work. I took it from him and tried it myself. It was a joy buzzer. Jeff laughed at me and said, "I knew you'd fall for it. All anyone has to do is tell Walter that they can't do something, and he'll do it for them."

Jeff, wherever you are now, know that you're still right. I'm still a sucker.

Comments (0) | Leave a Comment | Tags: dad dear diary family friends jeff mom trey

Mom spotted this "not gross at all" product at the dollar store:

No, it's gross

She told me that she had to take a second glance at the "slimy and sticky" blurb. On first glance, she thought it said "scratch and sniff." She couldn't believe that anyone would want scratch and sniff poo.

It wasn't 30 minutes later when we found this on an endcap at Michaels:

I'm getting too old for this shit

I admit it; I scratched, and I sniffed. Do you want to smell my finger?

Comments (0) | Leave a Comment | Tags: family internet mom piles of shit toys trumps america

Mother asked for a cake for Valentine's Day, but not just any cake. Instead of the family recipe pound cake that I made her for her birthday, she wanted the Classic Southern Pound Cake from Southern Living magazine.

I've been baking pound cakes for years. This shouldn't be so hard, I thought. That was my first mistake.

It tasted exactly how it looks

Pro Tip: When making a cake, make sure you use the right ingredients.

We have two identical, large yellow Tupperware containers, and they both have flour in them. One of them was the right one. I used the other.

They aren't the only flour containers in our pantry. The bread flour is in a third yellow Tupperware container, but that one is smaller. The cake flour — necessary for sponge cakes — is in a transparent container with its box top. Therefore it's only the containers for the self-rising and the all-purpose flours that look identical. One of these days, I'll remember to label them.

Anyway. As they say, if at first you add the wrong flour, try, try again.

It tastes better than it looks

I hate to admit it, but it really might be the best tasting pound cake I've ever made. Totally worth the trouble.

You're welcome, Mom.

Comments (2) | Leave a Comment | Tags: cake family food holidays mom valentines day

While out shopping, Mom said, "we should look and see what they have here that has the poo emoji on it." No! Bad mother! That's the opposite of what we should be doing.

My whole series of posts on this damn emoji shit is supposed to discourage through ridicule. If it is having the opposite effect, if I am somehow making poop emoji more desirable, I'll turn this blog right around, and no one will get any ice cream!

That said... I accidentally spotted this in Target last month. I'm serious. I was looking at the goods on the "As Seen on TV" aisle when I turned around and here was this, glaring at me with its many beady, dead eyes:

Joseph's amazing technicolor backpack

I found it so hard to believe that a caring parent would send their child off to elementary school with a bag of shit, I actually looked this one up online. I cut and paste the Accessory Innovations Emoji 16" Happens Kids' Backpack sales pitch:

Your favorite emoji has gotten a whole lot colorful. Your child will be able to rock this bag while still being themselves. With its bright colors your child will be sure to standout in the crowd.

That's some first class salesmanship right there. "Your child will be able to rock this bag while still being themselves" does sound way better than "your kid will look like the little shit he is." I tip my hat to you, Target.com. Kudos.

Or should I say "poo"-dos?

I call them Braces Poo, Space Poo, and Poo Who

"Poo"-dos it is.

Comments (0) | Leave a Comment | Tags: family internet mom piles of shit trumps america

I went with Dad today to look at a potential new house. New to him, I mean. The house itself was showing its age.

Peeping Walter

How much for that sticker in the window?

Obviously, the house had been cleaned out

I told him to take it.

Comments (0) | Leave a Comment | Tags: dad family walter

Movies, movies, movies!

197. (1426.) Doctor Strange (2016)
Doc Strange's origin story has a pretty simple plot (and a very flawed hero). It also has Benedict Cumberbatch, who almost succeeds in making his character likable. Almost.

198. (1427.) Hearts and Minds (1974)
This anti-Vietnam War documentary is about as anti-war as any movie ever. There was so much film footage of moments I'd only seen in stills, I felt like I was watching a history textbook come to life. For the record, I'm convinced. Let's get out of Vietnam.

200. (1429.) Trolls (2016)
I wanted to watch something special for my 200th movie in 2018. Instead, I watched Trolls. I shouldn't complain. I was a kid once. I can be marketed to. I saw The Care Bears Movie in a theater. (What can I say? I've always been a sucker for Grumpy Bear.)

201. (1430.) Ma and Pa Kettle (1949)
This is actually the second in the Ma and Pa Kettle series of movies about The Beverly Hillbillies the misadventures of some country folk adapting to life in the modern world. It's enjoyable, and it's easy to see why they went on to make The Beverly Hillbillies six more. (Almost completely unrelated trivia: There is an auto mechanic near my house that calls itself Maw and Paw Kettyle. They do good work.)

202. (1431.) Love Actually (2003)
I heard so much about this movie over the holiday season that I finally watched it on TBS. Even though Martin Freeman was in the opening credits, none of his scenes appear in the edited-for-television version, so I re-watched Mom's DVD (because she owns every Christmas movie). His scenes were, amusingly, the most honest and by far the best. In other words, don't watch this movie on TV.

203. (1432.) Christmas in Connecticut (1945)
I turned the channel to TCM to wash down all that Love. Here Barbara Stanwyck is a lifestyle columnist (a 1940's Martha Stewart) caught in her own web of lies when her boss insists she host a Christmas get-together with a war hero. Good stuff.

More to come.

Comments (0) | Leave a Comment | Tags: family mom movies

Speaking of old acquaintances that should be forgotten... these movies watched in 2018:

193. (1422.) Mythica: A Quest for Heroes (2014)
194. (1423.) Mythica: The Darkspore (2015)
195. (1424.) Mythica: The Necromancer (2015)
196. (1425.) Mythica: The Iron Crown (2016)
199. (1428.) Mythica: The Godslayer (2016)

Like I said last time, I made Dad watch King Lear. He was so dissatisfied, I volunteered to let him choose the next films we watched. He chose these. I should have known better.

It would be fair to compare this whole series of five connected films to the Star Wars saga. The first couple are by far the best, and the rest become so increasingly disappointing that you begin to hope that all the main characters die just to make it all end.

To sum up, the story involves a small band of heroes seeking to stop a necromancer from using an ancient, evil artifact to take over the world and ascend to godhood. (Does that sound familiar?) I admit that it is a pretty tired adventure trope, but if the characters in my books are half as dumb as those in these movies, I apologize for ever writing the damn things.

Dad is no longer allowed to pick the movies.

More to come.

Comments (0) | Leave a Comment | Tags: books dad family movies

We're almost done with 2018, so let's finish up November movies and get a head start on December.

188. (1417.) The Score (2001)
This heist movie starred Robert De Niro, Edward Norton, and Marlon Brando. Brando is by far the weakest of the bunch. Very good.

189. (1418.) Mission: Impossible III (2006)
Not as good. In fact, it's so stupid, it's almost insulting, but that's what I've learned to expect from director J.J. Abrams. I think he thought that if the action moved fast enough, no one would notice the giant plot holes he was plunging through. Not even light can move that fast.

190. (1419.) Atlas Shrugged: Part 1 (2011)
Ouch. I read and enjoyed the novel this movie is based on, but the movie made me reconsider why. It manages to be simultaneously too loyal to the literal text of the book and too determined to simplify the theories behind it. There are no characters here, only fast-talking allegories. Worse, this is only the first act of the story. It has no ending; it just stops. There are two sequels in this lecture trilogy, but I can't imagine ever being bored enough to watch them.

191. (1420.) King Lear (1971)
Dad asked what I wanted to watch, and I chose this, an experimental theatrical take on the Shakespearean tragedy. Not my best choice. Dad called it the worst movie he'd ever seen, but he hasn't watched Atlas Shrugged.

(For the record, I still consider the worst movie I've ever seen to be Armageddon. I know, I know. [Don't @ me.] But I really do hate it. I can't believe I paid to see *that*.)

192. (1421.) December 7th (1943)
As you might guess from the title, this is a docudrama about the 1941 Japanese ambush of Pearl Harbor. It is not kind to Japanese Americans. Totally worth a watch if for no other reason than as a historical document of a still shell-shocked America trying to put their world back together. If you lived through 9-11, you can relate.

More to come.

Comments (0) | Leave a Comment | Tags: dad family movies

During a commercial break in the evening news, Mom says, "I keep getting this jingle stuck in my head." She was talking about the ad for Ozempic, which sounds more than a little like this:

I wasn't alive in 1974, but Mom was, and she says she's never heard of Pilot or their single, "Magic." Obviously, there's only one explanation for this: all documented instances of Pilot are part of an elaborate counter-intelligence campaign created by Communist trolls for the purpose of destabilizing our American capitalist corporatocracy by fooling rubes like me into believing that some kind of popular culture preexisted the marketing needs of greedy pharmaceutical conglomerates. Those bastards!

Now, if you'll excuse me, it's time for my federally mandated once-weekly semaglutide injection.

Comments (1) | Leave a Comment | Tags: advertising family mom music youtube

My aunt's contribution to our Thanksgiving feast included stuffing, chocolate ice cream, and three dozen sugar cookies bought from the Kroger bakery.

The others ate the stuffing and ice cream. I ate the cookies. All of the cookies.

To be honest, I ate too many cookies. I don't know what Kroger put in them, but each was more delicious than the last. I. Just. Couldn't. Stop. Now I'm going through cookie withdrawal.

I thought I was through the worst of it when Mom went grocery shopping today... and returned with another three dozen cookies.

"I came around the aisle," she said, "and there they were, the only cookies on the table. The last batch. They wouldn't have been there if I wasn't supposed to buy them and bring them home for you."

So that's my Mom, who thinks that fate is trying to bring me and cookies together. Fate is not the boss of me! I'm an independent, rational, strong-willed individual. I can resist the allure of a basket of sweet, sweet sugar cookies.

Cookies 72, Walter 0

DAMN YOU, COOKIES!

Comments (0) | Leave a Comment | Tags: family food holidays kelley mom thanksgiving walter

To be continued...

 

Search: