I heard via someone who saw it on Facebook that my brother got married. Apparently Facebook has some value after all.

If you would have told me in November that my brother would get married before the end of the year without telling me or anyone else in our family, I would have called you fucking crazy. Shows what I know.

Congratulations, Trey and Melissa. I hope that the two of you will live happily ever after.

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EXT. PATIO - NIGHT.

WALTER and TREY sit in plastic patio adirondack chairs. The only light comes from the window in the kitchen door. Walter holds a Coca-Cola can, Trey drinks a beer from a bottle. The pair are discussing potential content for the Wriphe.com blog.

TREY

It has to be about Superman and advertising?

WALTER

No, Superman or advertising. It's an either/or. I'm trying to make it broader in appeal, not narrower.

TREY

What about advertisements that feature Facebook? I don't mean commercials for Facebook, but commercials that include Facebook in advertising another project. Like that car commercial where the girl talks about how many more friends she has on Facebook than her parents. You know the one: "that's too small to be a real puppy!"

WALTER

Okay, that's one, but what other commercials feature Facebook?

TREY

Nothing comes to mind. But there has to be something else, right? Do a little research!

WALTER

Why would I research commercials that reference Facebook? I don't even like Facebook.

TREY

That's why. Your website is the blog equivalent of the comic strip Cathy. You freak out about stupid things.

WALTER

How dare you compare my blog to Cathy? I'm more like the Calvin and Hobbes of blogging! Crazy but well rendered ideas!

TREY

You, like Calvin? Now that's crazy! No, you're more like the Curtis of blogging: your runaway ego always gets you into trouble.

WALTER

Aack!

Frustrated by Trey's typically misunderstanding male perspective, Walter storms inside the kitchen door in search of some non-judgemental chocolate.

THE END

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For all the fuss my friends have made about it, you'd think I only watched Twilight movies in March. Not true. The Twilight made up only a small minority of my March viewing.

44. MASH (1970)
I never really cared for the series, and this movie is in many ways just like it. Fortunately, Donald Southerland's Hawkeye does far less moralizing than Alan Alda's Hawkeye, making the film slightly more tolerable than the television show.

45. Spartacus (1960)
This film is far too long, and it seems far longer than it is. However, the week before I watched it, I had played The Republic of Rome, a board game equally epic in scope as the movie. I enjoyed the game, and found comparisons between Spartacus' Rome and the game's rules to be compelling enough to keep watching when Tony Curtis' "singing" wasn't.

46. Proof (2005)
Mom chose this movie about a very smart adult child who fears succumbing to the same mental illness that her father had. I found the film difficult to watch.

47. After the Thin Man (1936)
An evenly-matched married couple with a dog gleefully fast-talk their way through solving a murder mystery? Say no more, I'm in! Delightful in every way. I'm now actively seeking out the 5 other movies in the Thin Man series to watch.

48. A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum (1966)
I found the highlight of this comedy of errors to be Buster Keaton in his final film role. This film reminded me of the more madcap Marx Brothers films in that I liked it, but felt dizzy long before it was over.

49. For Your Consideration (2006)
How did I miss this Christopher Guest film when it came out? I love movies about movies, and a Christopher Guest movie about movies? Sublime.

50. The D.I. (1957)
If I didn't love Jack Webb so, I probably would have found this film with him in the role of a Marine drill instructor unintentionally humorous. But I cannot laugh at Jack Webb. Joe Friday would fuck your shit up.

51. Furry Vengeance (2010)
Every bit as bad as you would expect a film in which evil Brendon Fraiser is tormented by woodland creatures to be. What is it with "family" movies these days? They are all terribly stupid. I don't know why, but Hollywood apparently hates children more than I do.

52. Moneyball (2011)
I don't care for baseball, but I enjoyed this behind-the-scenes look at the unconventional building of a team to be very enjoyable. Recommended.

53. Seven Days in May (1964)
Another great film. A truly suspenseful thriller with fantastic performances by the entire cast. Most surprisingly, the political themes at the core of the film are as relevant in the fear-mongering climate of 2012 as they were in 1964.

54. The Queen (2006)
Another recommendation by Mom. Normally, I hate historic biopics. I just can't abide by fictional words being placed in characters' mouths. That said, I really enjoyed Michael Sheen as the Prime Minister, and Helen Mirren is Queen Elizabeth. A worthwhile couple of hours.

55. Your Highness (2011)
This movie presents a different kind of royal family. Given the title, I expected more drug humor, so I was excited to find that this film rather adeptly captured the spirit of one of my role-playing game sessions exactly.

56. The Social Network (2011)
I was distracted from the last 30 minutes of the movie by a real programming emergency, and I simply haven't cared to find out how it ends. I don't really understand why everyone thought this movie is so great, but then I've never really understood the appeal of Facebook, either.

58. Movie Crazy (1932)
Yet another movie about movies. Silent-film star Harold Lloyd produced and starred in this talkie about a klutz who becomes a movie star. Despite the audio track, this is very much a silent movie in spirit. Most of the dialogue is wooden and used only to set up sight gags. Where the movie does sparkle is in the occasional verbal jousting between Lloyd and love-interest Constance Cummings. Her quick wordplay is far better than her capricious character deserves, and in my opinion she steals the film.

More to come.

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Have you heard that story about the 17-year-old in Florida who killed his parents with a hammer because they wouldn't let him throw a party for his Facebook friends? This is why I love the internet: social networking for the win:

DISCLAIMER: this is an unedited string of comments from Sensible Erection, a social networking site that is definitely NOT Facebook. I'd love to take credit for this quality depravity, but I'm not that sort of tool.

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Yesterday's Super Bowl featured commercials from both Coke and Pepsi. Coke's two commercials (officially titled "Siege" and "Border") demonstrated that sharing a Coke and a smile could prevent wars in language-free spots that can air worldwide. Meanwhile, Pepsi's English-language only commercials (titled "Love Hurts," and "Torpedo Cooler") showed that PepsiMAX could start wars, as it broadcast its cans hitting girls in the head and guys in the nuts. Nothing says great taste like watching people get hit by soda cans!

It's worth noting that immediately after the game, the Pepsi ads made the top-ten in fan voting at FoxSports.com and USAtoday.com. The Coke ads were preferred by professional reviewers at ad sites such as Advertising Age and the St. Louis Business Journal. Damn those elitists and their high-brow, peace-loving, immigrant-hugging Coca-Colas! Can't they see that Pepsi is the choice of the Tea Party generation?

It bears noting that the commercial voted best by USAtoday.com voters was a mindless Doritos ad called "Pug Attack" featuring a small dog teaching a cruel owner a lesson by jumping on him. (That's the whole joke. That's it. Really.) This ad, like all the Doritos and Pepsi ads, was part of Pepsi's "Crash the Super Bowl" ad campaign that encouraged amateurs to submit their commercials and then rewarded them financially if they could stuff the Facebook-friendly USAtoday.com Ad Meter ballot box enough to engineer the outcome.

Therefore, It isn't even clear that the so-called fans liked these ads. PepsiCo won this popularity contest by encouraging people to use social networking to artificially drive up perceived viewer response. People were simply were hoping to get paid if they said that they did. Maybe Pepsi needs to run a new commercial with the tagline: "Pepsi, if we pay you, will you say you like it?"

Curses! You win again, Facebook! I'd shake my fist at the sky in restrained rage, but I'm currently holding a can of Coke. Unlike those people in the Pepsi ads, I'd rather drink my soda than throw it at someone.

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I recently took a quiz on MentalFloss.com in which I had to name the internet's 10 most visited sites. I did... poorly. If you'd like to try your hand at it before you read any further, go here.

...

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Done? Good. Clearly I wouldn't mention this quiz unless I had done awesomely or abysmally. Care to guess which?

I got only 2 out of 10, the search engines. Bah! No wonder I can't earn a living making websites. I clearly have no idea what people use the web for. I should have gotten Wikipedia; I go there almost every day! But the others? I have no money, so no ecommerce site even crossed my mind. And social networking sites are for people who who like people!

If Facebook is really the most visited non-search engine website in America (Google is #1 overall), of course a movie based on it would be popular. The Social Network is the equivalent of those unauthorized biographies of Justin Bieber that line supermarket tabloid check-out aisles. They don't have to be good, they just have to exist; Bieber's own fame will sell them. If The Social Network wins Golden Globes and Oscars, shouldn't the authors of those Bieber biography books start winning Pulitzers?

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Watching Headline News Network's coverage of the disappearance of ballerina student Jenni-Lyn Watson, I noticed that all of the pictures of the girl were tagged "Facebook.com." Could that mean that Facebook granted a license to HLN to use the images? Does HLN pay Facebook for passing along the images posted by Facebook users? According to the Facebook Statement of Rights and Responsibilities:

§2.1. For content that is covered by intellectual property rights, like photos and videos ("IP content"), you specifically give us the following permission, subject to your privacy and application settings: you grant us a non-exclusive, transferable, sub-licensable, royalty-free, worldwide license to use any IP content that you post on or in connection with Facebook ("IP License"). This IP License ends when you delete your IP content or your account unless your content has been shared with others, and they have not deleted it.

§2.4. When you publish content or information using the "everyone" setting, it means that you are allowing everyone, including people off of Facebook, to access and use that information, and to associate it with you (i.e., your name and profile picture).

Sounds innocuous enough? Here's where Admiral Ackbar tells you in no uncertain terms that you have wandered into a trap! If Facebook wants to make a few bucks by sharing pictures of a missing girl, they have a license to distribute the images because she put the photos on Facebook in the first place. Sure, HLN could have asked the family for photos of the missing girl, but why bother when Facebook makes them so easily available for them. (Modern news outlets have no time for out-dated ideas like research and fact-checking! Let the internet do it!)

Now that Facebook has unveiled their media-spanning email/messenger service to track all of its users' communications, what's to stop Facebook from using that information in order to sell more images provided by those very same users? I'll tell you what: nothing. Nothing at all.

Beware! You may have thought that he was a family friend. But that stranger with candy peeping in your window just may be Facebook.

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Those of you who were paying attention know that UGA was destroyed by South Carolina on Saturday. While the final score was only 17-6, the game was never really that close. There are a lot of reasons that Georgia played so poorly -- I certainly blame Mike Bobo, but you probably knew that already -- but what has earned the most attention is the loss of A.J. Green to an NCAA suspension.

NCAA rules are complex and the most honest of mistakes can affect the eligibility of a prospective student-athlete's eligibility to attend the University of Georgia of affect the eligibility of a student-athlete to compete at the University of Georgia.

The above quote is from page 41 of the Georgia 2010 Football Fan Guide. And it's absolutely accurate. The NCAA suspended Green, UGA's star receiver, for 4 games because he sold a jersey "to an individual who meets the NCAA definition of an agent." How was Green to know that the man (Chris Hawkins) who identified himself as a collector was also an agent? Telepathy? ("Yo, man, if you're an agent you've got to tell me!") If the jersey was Green's to sell, and by all accounts that's true, why is he being punished for selling it to the person who wanted to buy it? Don't think I haven't noticed your Communist strategy, NCAA!

At least this tragedy has illuminated yet another of the NCAA's byzantine rules for the casual fan. Green should have known better: even if the NCAA says that you personally can sell your jersey, the NCAA also bans anyone from buying it. Also from the 2010 Fan Guide:

You are prohibited from providing the prospect or the prospect's relatives or legal guardian(s) with any benefit of any kind before, during or after his/her enrollment at the University of Georgia.

Ahem. That's kind of a catch-all statement, isn't it? As I read it, that means that I cannot buy Herschel Walker a Zaxby's Bourbon Chicken Sandwich Meal or help Champ Bailey's grocery-laden mother across a busy intersection. I assume that it also means that I can't buy the jersey off A.J. Green's back.

It's not Green who should be punished here. NCAA, if you must use strong-arm tactics to ensure that only UGA and Nike can profit by selling A.J. Green jerseys, at least try punishing the real troublemaker here: Facebook, the portal that connected the evil agent and his unlucky prey. Facebook: the Gateway to Evil!

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In Memoriam: Brian Cooper (b. 1980-something, d? 2010)

Today my friend Brian is going to board an airplane to meet a girl who thought his Facebook profile pic was cute enough that she contacted him out the blue and offered to fly him to Las Vegas to "see some shows." Since the only two possible outcomes of this encounter are that by the end of the week Brian ends up either married or dead, I'm going to go ahead and offer my condolences. On the upside, there's a better than 50% chance that Brian ends up in an episode of CSI.

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Facebook wins again: the 2009 New Oxford American Dictionary Word of the Year is "unfriend", a term that apparently defined "to remove someone as a 'friend' on a social networking site such as Facebook." Now in addition to promoting the decay of polite society, Facebook is ruining my language.

"Unfriend" was chosen over such universally accepted words as "netbook," "sexting," "tramp stamp," and "teabagger," which it turns out is now used with a complete lack of irony to describe participants in the Tea Party movement. (Let's just say that "teabagger" means something completely different where I come from.) This proves the voice of Facebook dominates that of the traditional mass media, at least within the offices of the New Oxford American Dictionary. And yes, Google assures me that the publisher of the NOAD, the Oxford University Press, does indeed have a Facebook page. Not that I'd go to Facebook to confirm it. Sure, that may be bad journalism, but I've got my principles.

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