Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water . . . .

CBS New York reports that Man's worst enemy, a deer, was spotted splashing in the waters off Long Island Sound yesterday. This is the first time I've heard of such a thing. The deer army is getting sophisticated; they've developed SEALs!

Apparently, the deer was not a powerful swimmer. Humanity might have been saved by mother nature. But no! The deer was not left alone to its fate. Rather it was fetched from the water, pulled to the safety shore by a retriever named Storm. Bad dog!

Now that deer have supplanted us as dogs' best friends, we can no longer let sleeping dogs lie. We must take swift action to prevent them from assembling against us. Break up the packs! Close the dog parks! Destroy the fire hydrants!

Grab any stray dog you see — especially the brown ones and the foreign ones! We'll throw them all in internment camps, caged like, well, dogs. No more walkies for them! Though we will let them keep their squeak toys. I mean, we're not animals.

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The final tally of movies watched in January was 14. I've already given you the first batch of 6 (including La La Land — have I mentioned La La Land?). So here are the remaining 8.

7. (1066.) Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
I really don't understand why people like this movie. Yes, it's patterned after a World War II movie, but few of the "sci-fi" elements (by which I mean fantasy elements with electrical power) or enemy motivations make any sense. Worse, no time is spent on character development. (I swear, some of the characters exist just to sell toys.) Everyone seeing this already knows who wins, so when people start dying, as they must, THERE IS NO REASON TO CARE. If you don't just love all things Star Wars — because, I don't know, nostalgia? — avoid this exercise in fanwankery.

8. (1067.) My Favorite Brunette (1947)
Friend Otto called me an artless heathen because I mentioned that I don't like Bob Hope movies, so he insisted that I watch this. It's cute. I can definitely say that it's the best Bob Hope movie I've ever seen (but that's a pretty low bar).

9. (1068.) American Gigolo (1980)
This film, cut from the same cloth as Basic Instinct, looks and sounds like Miami Vice. No wonder Richard Gere only plays prostitutes or johns. He's good at it.

10. (1069.) Here Comes the Groom (1951)
Bing Crosby stars in a Frank Capra musical! If your idea of romance is hitting a woman over the head with a club and dragging her back to your cave as you whistle Johnny Mercer tunes, this movie is for you!

11. (1070.) Too Hot to Handle (1938)
Another "love" story that shows its age as Myrna Loy's career is destroyed and saved by A Number 1 sleazeball Clark Gable (and B Number 2 sleazeball Walter Pidgeon).

12. (1071.) When Ladies Meet (1933)
Myrna Loy has a heart-to-heart with her lover's wife. The dialog is pretty darn good. I liked it.

13. (1072.) The Barbarian (1933)
Rich fiancee takes a trip to Egypt where she is kidnapped by a prince posing as a peasant. She refuses his love and escapes back to her fiance. Then, at the wedding, she pledges her love to the prince. "Stockholm Syndrome" wouldn't be named for another forty years, but it could have been called "Barbarian Syndrome." Myrna Loy is beautiful, but this is not her best work.

14. (1073.) Midnight Lace (1960)
Doris Day plays a role that should have gone to Grace Kelly in this would-be Hitchcockian thriller. I found it predictable, but the suspense was still top rate.

More to come.

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What is this "Star Wars" I keep hearing about?

I see advertisements for "Star Wars" batteries from Duracell, "Star Wars" jewelry from Kay, "Star Wars" makeup from Covergirl, and "Star Wars" telephone coverage from Verizon. What the hell is "Star Wars" telephone coverage?

Could all this "Star Wars" nonsense happen to have anything to do with a movie coming out in December? A movie so greatly anticipated that it had shattered ticket pre-sales a month before its release date? A movie franchise so valuable that Disney paid four billion-with-a-"b" dollars for the rights to make more? Does the public really have no saturation point for this film franchise?

Hey, I was a kid once, and I liked Star Wars. I really wanted Star Wars toys so I could re-enact my favorite scenes. I don't recall ever wanting "Star Wars" Campbell's Soup or "Star Wars" Coffee Mate or "Star Wars" Trojans that glow in the dark like a stubby little lightsaber.

I'm left wondering if there is anything that Disney won't license the "Star Wars" name to? I looked. Pepsi, Kraft Macaroni & Cheese, Jelly Belly, Duck Tape. Guitars, underwear, furniture, waffle irons. About the only thing I couldn't find were official Star Wars-licensed condoms (although some clever marketers are exploiting this oversight).I guess Disney has to withhold something for the inevitable sequels.

Thank the maker.

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Easter is all about a man who came back from the dead, so naturally we must be talking about Superman. That description applies doubly to the statue now sitting beside my television.

It was a gift from a friend. He had ordered it for himself from eBay, but when it arrived in a shoebox of broken parts, I got an unexpected gift. Years ago he gave me a cracked copy of the Jan & Dean Meet Batman record album. "Give it to Walter; he'll glue anything!" (This is probably why I can't have nice things.)

Fortunately for Superman, I could rebuild him. I had the technology. Don't tell Steve Austin, but a new tube of 2-part epoxy costs considerably less than 6 million dollars. After a week of wire, tape, glue, and touch-up paint, Superman may not be good as new, but he's much better than he was.

Now if you'll excuse me, I think I hear some peanut-butter filled chocolate eggs calling my name.

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I rarely mention my professional projects in this blog, so enjoy this ad that ran in the Coweta County Shopper this month:

I've been making ads for Full Circle for years. I designed their "Zombie Day" promotional material for the past two years, as well as other occasional sales and print ads. If you're shopping for Toys in Newnan, Georgia, you could do worse than supporting the people who support me.

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The 28th annual U.S. Public Interest Research Group Trouble in Toyland toy safety survey was released yesterday, and one of the offenders this year was the Captain America Soft Shield. The USPIRG is bent out of shape that it contains too much metal. What's it supposed to be made out of? Shields made of wool don't stop nearly as many bullets.

This shield is a small, soft version of Captain America's famous flying shield designed, you know, for kids. Apparently the manufacturer's idea of "softening" the shield is to make it with a soft metal, namely lead. USIPRG reports that its tests indicate the shield has 2,900 parts per million. Who cares if the federal limit is 100 ppm? Political Correctness really has gotten out of hand if we're now protecting Nazis from lead poisoning!

Is this really something we need the government to get involved in, anyway? One of the well-reported side-effects of lead poisoning is that children who have been poisoned become listless and stop playing with their toys. See? A self-correcting situation!

Another side effect of lead poisoning on the young is the common development of behavior disorders, including mental retardation. Only the mentally feeble would read Marvel Comic books, so this sounds like a comprehensive market strategy to me. Remember, The Walt Disney Company wouldn't do anything to hurt you or your children. They need consumers like you just as much as you need them.

The Free Market works, people. Leave it alone.

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As I said in my first post this month, Superman turns 75 years old in 2013. To help illustrate how old that is, this is a picture of the very first Superman toy.

Your grandparents might have played with this thing. It's a toy made of wood! In the year 2013, not even toothpicks are made from wood anymore.

That's a 13-inch Superman figure made by Ideal Novelty & Toy Company in 1939/40. Back then they called it a doll. These days, we'd call that an action figure and emphasize its 14 points of articulation. After all, boys don't buy dolls.

This doll belongs to my friend Otto, who owns two of them. (Why 2? Because when Otto finds something this awesome, he doubles down!) His dolls have been restored and re-painted, especially noticeable on the faces. If you look at the original face of the doll, you might understand why. Hey, this is America; who hasn't had a facelift by the age of 75?

Happy Diamond Jubilee, Superman!

(If you're interested, you can see pictures of Otto's restorations on his Tumblr blog, otto-pedia.)

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Batman isn't the only one in Gotham City with cool toys.

In "The Three Eccentrics" (Batman #21, 1944), Penguin uses a miniaturized motion picture camera hidden in the handle of his umbrella to spy on the safe of the world's richest man. Penguin's scheme is well described. Less clear is how Penguin's mark got to be the world's richest man when he's stupid enough to keep all his money inside a safe in plain sight of a first floor window.

Miniaturized cameras were hidden in the handles of canes as early as the 1920s, so Penguin's technology in this issue isn't as outlandish as, say, a bat-shaped propeller airplane that can hover in one place on autopilot. In comics the villains tend to be more realistic than the heroes. If your hero is a millionaire who dresses like a bat to fight crime in his free time, I guess they'd have to be.

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Remember this?

According to the Padorapedia, that toy represents a SA-2 Samson. If you are one of the billion people who made the 2009 film Avatar the highest grossing movie of all time, you will probably recognize it as "that cool helicopter from Avatar."

Designed as a piece of CGI science fiction, it is both distinctive and totally awesome looking. There isn't anything quite like it either in the real world or even elsewhere in fiction. This uniqueness qualifies it as the intellectual property of whoever owns the rights to Avatar, be that either 20th Century Fox or James Cameron.

So of course I was surprised when I saw this in my local Target:

Finally we know the answer to "where does he get those wonderful toys." For the Batman, the best part of living outside the law means not paying licensing rights.

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Since we're over halfway through the month, I might as well post the films I watched in the first half of November so that I don't get backed up posting them all at the beginning of December (as happened for October/November).

262. Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep (2006)
Film in a nutshell: a giant squid protects an ancient artifact. Seriously, the whole thing was created as an excuse to fill some empty time slot on SyFy's schedule.

263. Dance Flick (2009)
The Wayans never really stopped making In Living Color. The family just took their parody spoofs into movie theaters and weaved a loose narrative around them.

264. Win a Date with Tad Hamilton! (2004)
I remember wanting to see this when it came out. Sure, it was sappy and predictable, but I was still entertained.

265. M (1931)
Now this film is art! The cinematography is amazing, especially given the film's age.

266. Super Shark (2011)
Poor John Schneider. Last time I saw him, he was playing a man crusading against evil corporations releasing super killer sharks. Here he plays the head of an evil corporation that releases super killer sharks. At least he's not typecast.

I don't want to oversell it, but the highlight of the film takes place shortly before a very, very slow walking tank was employed to attack a very, very slow crawling shark on a beach. A scientist, a colonel, and a boat captain watch a giant shark jump out of the ocean and eat a jet plane:

Scientist: "It flies!"
Colonel: "That's bad!"
Captain: "I need a drink!"

267. Journey to the Center of the Earth (2008)
Greg Evigan steals scenes from The Core while a bunch of actresses I've never seen before reenact scenes from Jurassic Park with a touch of chest-bursting Alien thrown in for good measure. You know, just like the Jules Verne novel.

268. Princess of Mars (2009)
In another knockoff of a big budget film, Traci Lords plays the titular character. (Giggle.)

269. Goon (2011)
This film was released to Video on Demand before it hit theaters in the US, usually a sign of a terrible film. But damn, this was genuinely entertaining and funny. It tries really hard to be a 21st-century Slap Shot and doesn't fall too short.

270. The Treasure of the Sierra Madre (1948)
I loved this truly great character piece. There is not typically a lot of suspense in John Huston films because justice is always ultimately served. However, the way this film briefly toys with defining the protagonist as a nice twist.

271. Dear John (2010)
The "happy" ending seemed completely out of place, something that a quick internet search confirmed as a last minute studio response to negative preview audience reactions. Where do they find these preview audiences? This movie went on to make a bunch of money, so what do I know.

272. Poseidon (2006)
Everything about remake of The Poseidon Adventure is absurd, but I was always more partial to its sequel, Beyond the Poseidon Adventure, anyway.

273. The Last Man on Earth (1964)
The "vampires" in this movie sure act suspiciously like the zombies in Night of the Living Dead. I'm sure that's no coincidence. (I should also point out that this film has our hero kill his newly befriended miniature poodle just to demonstrate how difficult and lonely it is to be the Last Man on Earth. This is the second movie I've seen this year that "Kicks the Dog" by killing a miniature poodle. To be fair, at least this time it was a vampire miniature poodle.)

274. Tower Heist (2011)
Eddie Murphy is always at his best playing a supporting character, but how did Alan Alda, Matthew Broderick, and Judd Hirsch also all end up in this silly caper flick?

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