In yet another entry in the "Wertham was right" casebook:

Note 1: is it appropriate for this line of dialogue to come from Robin, the "Boy Wonder"?
Note 2: does the dialogue balloon have to be placed between Superman's legs?
Note 3: should Batwoman really look so happy about the situation?

(Panel taken from from World's Finest Comics #104, "The Plot to Destroy Superman," 1959. And don't worry; the crooks soon learn that "it doesn't work on him." Historical note: Dr. Frederic Wertham published Seduction of the Innocent in 1954 to warn the public that homosexual couple Batman and Robin were ruining America's youth. I don't recall any specific mention of the dangers of Superman and vibrators, but Robin seems concerned enough for everyone.)

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Would you watch a television show where someone travels the globe and does some mildly interesting things on camera, then pauses to describe in excruciatingly boring detail how she was feeling when she did the things that you have just seen her do? What if the show is in high definition? What if she has two hot friends? What if they're all wearing bikinis?

This is the premise of the show Get Out, a really, really boring travelogue that's like a cross of Girls Gone Wild without the "wild" and No Reservations without the wit of Anthony Bourdain. Surely, the only reason that this show was ever broadcast is because of the desperate scramble for high definition television shows to promote the new technology. For stations such as HD Net, the network airing Get Out, anything in high definition is good enough, even if if fails to meet even the basic definition of entertainment.

Watching this pablum, I'm reminded of the anecdotes I've heard of audiences who ducked when they first saw a train steam towards them during the earliest motion picture demonstrations. I will be quite pleased when the newness of HD and it's strikingly ultra-real visual appeal has worn off and networks are forced to return to creating real programming with depth of story and character, like Three's Company.

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Statistics indicate that once every two minutes, someone in America is sexually assaulted. While that sounds bad, it's tempered by the fact that most of those victims are probably in a relationship with Charles Bronson.

In Death Wish, Charles Bronson is a New York City architect whose wife is murdered and whose daughter is raped by a band of hoodlums that includes The Fly's Jeff Goldblum. In Death Wish 2, Bronson's family relocates to Los Angeles, but his daughter is again raped and this time killed by a different band of hoodlums that includes The Matrix's Laurence Fishburne. In Death Wish 3, Bronson returns to New York City where his new neighbor's wife is raped and killed by a gang of hoodlums including Bill & Ted's Alex Winters. In Death Wish 4, Bronson's back in Los Angeles, where his girlfriend and her daughter are killed by drug dealers who include Star Trek Voyager's Tim Russ among their numbers. In Death Wish 5, Bronson is again in New York and he again has a fiance who is killed by mobsters including Medium's Miguel Sandoval.

No doubt, there are several lessons here, not the least of which is that New York and Los Angeles are both dangerous cities. If you want to keep your family safe from muggers and rapists (and drug dealers and mafioso), move somewhere else. Another moral here is that if you see a face you recognize in a crowd of thugs, that person is probably going to rape and/or kill you. (The real message may be that you shouldn't have a love affair with Charles Bronson, but seeing as how he's been dead for half a decade, I figure that one's just common sense.)

Why do I mention this now? Because I just heard that Sylvester Stallone, fresh off his zombie movies Rocky Balboa and Rambo, is looking to remake the first Death Wish. (Can Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot Again or Over the Top 2: WAY Over the Top be far behind?) Running out of his own material to re-tread, Stallone is moving on to others' franchises. Watch your back, Schwarzenegger.

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But, of course, there is the down side of the internet: incessant junk mail. The following is an actual message that I received today:

From: Eliza M. Eddy
To: Elma Q. Fournier
Subject: My boyfriend's shaft keeps slipping out.

Dames always giggled at me and even gars did in the open toilet!
Well, now I sriek at them, because I took Mega. Dik for 5 months and now my pecker is indeed bigger than average.
shop for [link removed]
--------------------------

This guerilla advertising is supposed to make me dash to the address provided and shop for "Mega Dik"? I worry slightly, because it must be working on someone (presumably either "dames" or "gars") for some bastard to take the time to send this email out.

P.S. Isn't it a bigger problem if your boyfriend's shaft never "slips out"?

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Earlier this month, the Roman Catholic Church paid a staggering $660 million to settle child molestation charges against their priests in Los Angeles, California alone. According to the CIA, there are more than 2 dozen countries in the world that do not have a Gross Domestic Product of at least $660 million.

Last Thanksgiving, my brother and I were trying to think of the most offensive potential video game concept ever. In the end, our number one choice was that the gamer would play as Jesus Christ and the goal of the game would be to rape children. After recent events, I'm beginning to think that our game idea might have a market.

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Scientists have discovered that female cheetahs mate with many males instead of one. I suppose that means that female cheetahs are fast.

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Yahoo! News reports today that someone has spotted a beaver in New York City this week. According to the article, it is the first time that beaver has been seen in New York City in around 200 years. No beaver in NYC? Ah, Yahoo, you don't get out much, do you?

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Yesterday, a friend and I were trying to reconstruct the basics of sexual baseball. We were both sure that "first base" was a kiss and intercourse was "home plate." However, we could come to no consensus about what hitting a double or a triple equated to in the sexual arena. We argued over whether or not third base was oral sex, mostly because my friend supports the Democrat party line and claims that "sexual relations" doesn't include oral sex. I suppose the facts that neither of us cares much for baseball and he's long married and I'm socially inept contributed to this confusion greatly.

That got me thinking about sports metaphors for sex and dating. Running the previously mentioned bases, "hitting a home run," and "striking out" are all clearly baseball inspired. I can't think of any other sports that have donated quite so many terms as metaphors for sex. Are these other sports so exciting that sex pales in comparison? Should we start calling the ménage à trois a "hat trick." Or perhaps rename premature ejaculation to "scoring a safety"?

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Yesterday ESPN.com ran the following headline:

Couples takes six holes in Skins Game

Now that's a sporting event that I'd like to see!

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Apparently I'm not paying enough attention to pornography. I just found out that Hustler released a movie last month called the Da Vinci Load. Promotional material for the film describes it thus:

The truth cums out! Operatives of the Priory of Semen discover that Leonardo da Vinci painted the Mona Lisa using his own sperm.

That sounds waaay better than any film starring Tom Hanks. (Don't let the titles fool you, Bosom Buddies was actually much tamer than Bachelor Party, though neither one is really all that good. The closest that Hanks has ever gotten to being in a porn film is when he portrayed the character Woody in the movie Toy Story.)

Also of note is that the Da Vinci Load is a High-Defintion porno (which says nothing about the quality of the film itself). I had a debate with a friend a few weeks back about whether HD porn was a good idea. My argument was that I didn't really want to be able to easily count the ingrown hairs on a coked-out pornstar's butt. My friend said that everything looks better in HD, including ass pimples. He's right, of course: everything on HDTV is actually much better looking than anything in real life. (But I'm still not sure that the world is ready for HD pustules.)

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