I finally saw Captain America: The First Avenger and Green Lantern this week. Surprise, surprise: I didn't like either one of them. At least they were bad in different ways. Captain America fails because it's boring. Green Lantern, on the other hand, is stupid.

Captain America is a by-the-numbers action film as made by film students too young to remember the first Iraq War, much less World War II. Note to filmmakers: using spotlights or fireworks at night in New York City in 1943 would have been the equivalent of calling Adolf Hitler and begging him to "please bomb here." Halfway through the film, America even forgot who the Axis was and focused its resources on a man who built weapons without ever teaching his army how to use them.

The "period" styling of the movie looks like someone had based their interpretation of the War period by searching "retro" on target.com. Note to filmmakers: suspension of disbelief is impossible when you are constantly reminded that you are watching a movie. Yes, I understand that the movie is science fiction, but Captain America's "realistic" 1943 uniform shouldn't look like it came off the rack of REI in 2010.

The biggest problem with the movie is the complete lack of characterization. Note to filmmakers: populating your film with stereotypes -- commonly called the Michael Bay Method -- is not the same as developing characters. Did Cap's teammates even have names, or does the script just call them Bloke, Bluster, Brutus, Frenchie, Hotlips, Playboy, and Chink-Chink?

As boring as Captain America is, Green Lantern is far worse. Maybe I've read too many comic books, but the events are so predictable it's laughable. The opening scenes of Hal Jordan sacrificing his own job to demonstrate that he is an asshole have more in common with Hot Shots than the intended Top Gun. Note to filmmakers: if the audience is laughing at the character-establishing scene of a child watching his father's death, you've done something really, really wrong.

As bad as the art direction is for Captain America, Green Lantern is again far worse. The costumes are awful, the energy constructs are a mess, and the cgi looks particularly rushed. Note to filmmakers: no one is paying you to test whether ADD can be acquired while watching a single movie.

I had hoped for more from a movie made by a comic book company, but I should have known better when I heard who was involved in the creation of this film. The movie was directed by Martin Campbell, the man who directed Casino Royale and Goldeneye. I'm not especially pleased to say that he still hasn't made a single movie I like.

So that's two of the super hero movies of 2011 down. Next up: X-Men: First Class. If it's half as good as the other X-Men movies, my eyes will be bleeding too much to blog about it.

Comments (0) | Leave a Comment | Tags: captain america comic books green lantern movies

Alright, Randy. You want it, you got it.

The Miami Dolphins are currently 0-7, staring down the barrel of a potentially win-less season. The remaining schedule is, in a single word, difficult. Some say the silver lining of the second-worst season in franchise history is the opportunity to draft first in the 2012 NFL Draft. The media calls this phenomenon "Suck 4 Luck" in honor of apparent first-overall pick Andrew Luck.

The Dolphins were terrible in 2007, too. That year the team narrowly avoided becoming the worst team in NFL history in their third-from-last game of the season by beating the hapless 4-9 Baltimore Ravens. The team had the first pick in the following year's draft and used it to select Offensive Tackle Jake Long. Long is pretty good, but is hardly a single-handed game-changer. In 2007, no one said the Dolphins should "Suck 4 Long," but certainly the team did (and still does).

Just for the record, Andrew Luck isn't a senior. He was projected as the number one overall pick in the 2010 NFL Draft, should he have chosen to leave college, but he didn't. Another year later, and he's still the best quarterback in college sports. Will he go pro? Maybe. But why would he want to play for the Miami Dolphins? I wouldn't.

There are currently 7 players on the 2011 Miami Dolphins roster who were on the 2007 Miami Dolphins team that finished the season 1-15. One of those players is Jason Taylor. Said Taylor to the Miami Sun-Sentinel:

"You do your best to ignore it, but sure, there's an elephant in the room, and you have to realize you have nothing to do with it. You can't control it. The only thing you can do to control it is play well and win games. It's something that's hanging out there, and people are going to talk about it because people love to talk."

I understand and share your frustration, Jason, but we would rather win than talk. We be talking about "it" at all if you would actually win a few games. Or even a game. If you want us, the fans, to stop calling for the head of the coach, try winning for a change.

The Miami Dolphins have 20 individuals listed as coaches on the official team website, and none of them appear to be doing a very good job. One of those 20 coaches is the Head Coach's son, Tony Sparano, Jr. There can't be any nepotism involved in his position: unlike the other coaches, Jr. seems to be living up to his job title, "Offensive Quality Control," because the team is very offensive right now.

The problem here is that either the team doesn't have players good enough to compete or the team doesn't have coaches good enough to prepare the players to compete. The solution to both of those problems lies in the front office, which holds the purse strings and makes the tough decisions. Since buying the team in 2008 from a desperate-to-sell Wayne Huizenga, the Dolphins majority owner Stephen Ross has demonstrated a management style of paying ridiculous salaries to players and coaches for which the adjective "mediocre" is too kind. I'm sure that style is what made him the billionaire he is today.

It's past time for someone to do something to fix this season. Like the 2007 season, this one is already in the tank. But it sure would be nice if we could look forward to something next year other than the prospect of letting our career-destroying coaches get their hands on another potentially franchise-defining player. That just plain sucks.

Comments (1) | Leave a Comment | Tags: 2011 sucks andrew luck coaches dolphins jake long jason taylor nfl rant stephen ross tony sparano wayne huizenga

Reuters reports that medical clinics across the country will be working overtime on Halloween night x-raying candy to ensure that it is free of harmful foreign bodies. Says one grandmother, "scanning candy is a really good idea because it can detect a lot of things, like glass, that you can't see through the candy wrappers." Damn those candy companies and their reckless practice of hiding glass in their candies.

That's all fine and good, but that won't help the citizens of Los Angeles. The LA Police Department is warning parents to screen Halloween candy for marijuana. X-rays aren't any good for that. ABC News adds that parents should be aware of the following symptoms: "kids may become giddy, constantly repetitive, they may stare off in space, may have some hallucinations." Or, in other words, they may act as though they've just eaten a lot of sugar. Good luck with that, parents.

Comments (5) | Leave a Comment | Tags: drugs halloween holidays news

The Man with the Golden Gums: in the past month, I've spent $1,439 on dental work. That's the most that I've spent on anything in a one-month span since, well, ever. I'm well on my way to being the Six Million Dollar Man, with the entire amount spent entirely on my teeth.

A Chew to a Kill: For the record, those aren't my teeth. My teeth don't look that good. Those are just some x-rays dated May 5, 1951, that I found in my late grandfather's records. They aren't his teeth, either. He was a dentist. I'm sure that if he wasn't already dead, seeing the state of my teeth would kill him.

Comments (0) | Leave a Comment | Tags: dentist illness puns teeth walter

I just picked Mom up at the overly-named Hartsfield-Jackson Atlanta International Airport. I spent an hour in the busiest airport on the planet, and my mother was the only person with whom I actually interacted. I took my parking ticket from a polite dispenser; traveled effortlessly from the top of the parking deck on a moving staircase; entered a door that opened automatically as I approached; found the arrival time on a digital display; urinated into a toilet that flushed itself; wetted, soaped, and dried my hands without touching any knobs; and paid my parking fee at a talking atm-like kiosk. The airport employs 58,000 people, and yet the whole place is run by machines. It felt like Westworld.

Shouldn't that be terrifying? I've read a lot of books and seen a lot of movies that tell me that the coming automaton revolution will be the end of humanity. Personally, I found it quite pleasant. The future is now, and I, for one, would like to welcome our new robot overlords.

Comments (0) | Leave a Comment | Tags: atlanta mom walter

Comments (0) | Leave a Comment | Tags: comic strip poodle strip poodles

Wedding accomplished. I think I attended the wedding without embarrassing myself or my brother or my friends too much. There were a lot of comments to the effect of "that's Walter for you" and "Walter never changes," but fortunately no "arrrrgh, not Walter!" (At least none that I overheard.) Most of my foibles were politely ignored, though at one point my brother joked that "there's medicine now for your condition." (At least I think he was joking.) I suspect that there's a reason that I'm always invited to weddings, but never asked to participate in the bachelor or wedding parties. Like weddings themselves, I'm sure that Walter is much more tolerable in small doses, few and far between.

Comments (2) | Leave a Comment | Tags: friends marriage trey walter

Tomorrow I will attend the wedding of a fellow I've known for more than a few years. In fact, I owe him for getting me a job at a comic book store in the 1990s. I sure did love that job.

For the record, my first day on the job was Keith's last. I guess he was supposed to be training me, but instead he only taught me that running a comic book shop was so easy, you could spend the whole day playing Star Wars: Rebellion on the store computer. His "work" was interrupted when he decided that a stereotypically ethnic customer was shoplifting packs of collectible card games. When confronted, the suspect put his hand in his coat, as though going for a gun. Keith kept his head -- which is not Keith's defining personality trait -- and thanks to the timely intervention of customer Cliff Krapp, who employed an unusual strategy of "respect"-ing potential shoplifters, was able to recover the merchandise and remove the potential offender with no further incident. (Where was I? I was on the phone with the police crouching safely behind the largest, heaviest piece of furniture in the building. Safety first!)

Anyway, so now Keith is joining a different, much more exclusive club. While it won't offer him the same great discount on comic books, I presume it offers other benefits. There's no way those benefits are as great as cheap comic books, but I figure I owe him the benefit of the doubt. Best of luck, buddy.

Comments (0) | Leave a Comment | Tags: comic company friends keith marriage

Filming for Puppy Bowl VIII begins today in New York City. Last year's Puppy Bowl drew nearly 10 million viewers for Animal Planet. If puppies and football make such a great combination, maybe Animal Planet needs to look into some other puppy sports.

The hockey Puppy Cup could go on for 7 days, but it might be a bit dangerous to give all those puppies sticks and put them on ice. Tennis' Puppledon would no doubt be cute with all the British-accented barking, but no puppy would be able to pass the dress code. The Tour de Puppy would certainly be dragged down by all the doping accusations. And as much as dogs love cars, no one is going to tune in for the messes made on a PuppieCar track.

The event with the best chance for success is probably PuppyMania. Taking a page from the originator of sports-entertainment, PuppyMania would boggle the mind with the cuteness of the 24-dog Puppy Rumble. Only one puppy would emerge victorious from the dreaded Cage Match. Naturally, the closing number could be the ever-popular Wag Team Championship Match.

Comments (0) | Leave a Comment | Tags: dogs football puns puppies television

I've got two things on my calendar today: dental fillings and Dolphins football. I'm not sure which will be a more painful experience.

Update 11:50PM: the more painful experience, with a final score of 24-6, was clearly the Dolphins game. Ugh. Next time, I'll just have two dental appointments.

Comments (0) | Leave a Comment | Tags: dolphins football nfl walter