The second category of movies from June was animated movies. These I did consciously select to watch as a category, but I was surprised by the metatextural narrative that emerged as I went along.

96. (403.) The Wacky World of Mother Goose (1967)
Even by 1967 standards, this English Rankin/Bass musical film based on nursery rhymes is terrible. Written poorly, animated worse. These days, this would be released exclusively as a straight-to-DVD movie.

97. (404.) Unstable Fables: 3 Pigs & a Baby (2008)
A step up from Mother Goose, it takes a passable script and marries it with incompetent digital art design. The character design was unattractive and the background textures bland and repetitive. This U.S. film could have been much better if it hadn't looked so bad.

98. (405.) Donkey Xote (2007)
This Spanish film reverses the problem with some very impressive art direction coupled to a mediocre script. At least that's a step in the right direction. Many a Hollywood blockbuster has had a bad script but good visuals. It rarely works the other way.

105. (412.) Dragon Hunters (2008)
I thought this French film was a real winner. Yes, the plot is simple, but the characterization is great and the art fantastic. This is finally one I can recommend without reservation.

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All in all, April was a pretty good month for movies. April movies, part 2:

61. (368.) The Curse of Frankenstein (1957)
Hammer horror at its best. I didn't realize until I saw this that Rocky Horror Picture Show was specifically spoofing this movie in the equipment used to create Rocky. Amusing.

62. (369.) The Lady Vanishes (1938)
A fantastic Hitchcock movie. Why does Vertigo get all the press?

63. (370.) Batman: The Dark Knight Returns, Part 2 (2013)
This is the second half of Warner Brothers animated version of a 25 year old comic book. The story hasn't aged well.

64. (371.) Richard III (1955)
Another Shakespeare play I'd never seen. It is similar to Othello in that the lead character spends a lot of time telling the audience about the horrible things he's planning to do before he shows us, but I enjoyed it far more. Maybe I'm just racist.

65. (372.) Remember Sunday (2013)
A much promoted Hallmark Hall of Fame romance that retreads the concepts of Groundhog Day poorly. Boring.

66. (373.) The Campaign (2012)
Yet another Will Ferrell movie that is not half as clever or funny as it thinks it is. Dan Ackroyd and John Lithgow are highlights.

67. (374.) Seven Chances (1925)
I have a general rule that for a feature film to make this list, it has to be at least an hour long. However, Buster Keaton's silent comedies are far too good to be counted out, so I'm willing to add a few extra minutes to this film to get it included on my list. I Think it earned inclusion, especially with an opening scene in Technicolor!

68. (375.) The Man Who Wasn't There (2001)
I absolutely love that the Coen Brothers never make the same type of film twice. Excellent noir.

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Hungry and on the road, I stopped at a Dairy Queen. My timing must have been good, as I walked in the door just steps ahead of a soccer team that was meeting for an end-of-the-season trophy presentation. I rushed to the waiting cashier in order to avoid waiting for 30 kids to get their Blizzard®s before I could get my burger. Therein lay my first mistake.

When the girl at the counter asked me for my order, I panicked and got it wrong. I didn't want a FlameThrower® or anything with bacon, but based on what I saw on the menu, I seemed to be in the minority. Assuming that the simplest GrillBurger™ would be the most popular and therefore early on the menu board, I ordered a combo 1. Therein lay my second mistake.

As soon as the cashier handed me my change for the combo, I knew I was in trouble. Further investigation revealed that I had ordered a double-pattied burger, more than I could eat in one sitting. Assuming that it was too late to change my order, I got a little clever and decided that I would simply order a second bun, turning my double-pattied burger into two separate burgers, one to eat and one to save for later. Therein lay my third mistake.

It would seem that no one ever asks Dairy Queen for a just a bun. The cashier was dumbstruck. She called her manager, who looked at me like I was an alien. When the startled cook heard my request -- believe it or not, I'm not making this up -- he literally dropped the over-sized tray of burgers he was carrying. Trying to make things easier for everyone, I told the manager that he didn't need to wrap the bun in another to-go box; he could just hand it to me. Therein lay my fourth mistake.

It took a while for me to convince the manager that I was not pulling some elaborate prank on him. (Who in America doesn't want a double-pattied burger? Why would anyone want a bun with no meat? Who would let the employees touch the food with their hands?) Eventually, I got my burger and my bun, and I was able to create two very tasty cheeseburgers that lasted me the rest of the day. But next time I'm hungry and thinking about stopping by Dairy Queen, I'm probably just going to order a Peanut Buster® Parfait. At least then I'll know what I'm getting into.

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The third dozen movies seen this July (and the month isn't quite over yet!)

187. Alice Adams (1935)
Drew Barrymore recommended this movie on The Essentials on TCM. Credit where it's due, this is a much better movie than most Drew Barrymore movies.

188. Bride Wars (2009)
Everything about this movie is ridiculously contrived. I know that as a guy, I'm not supposed to "get" weddings -- a fact the movie quickly and frequently reinforces -- but I don't even get this movie.

189. The Sweetest Thing (2002)
This movie recycled so many of the same crude jokes in its desperate bid to be Something About Mary II, the producers even cast Cameron Diaz in the lead role.

190. In Time (2011)
Justin Timberlake as social-crusading action hero? Yeah, sure, what the hell.

191. Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps (2010)
Let me open by saying that I really enjoy the original Wall Street. It is the only Oliver Stone film I will admit to actually liking, and that statement includes this sequel. All the unnecessarily arty cgi and what feels like a tacked-on feel-good ending dilute the movie's "fuck the system" message. I was left wondering why I had bothered to watch a 2-1/2 hour movie starring Shia LaBouf. Joke's on me, I guess.

192. Slacker (1991)
I distinctly remember being wildly curious about this film when I first saw it on the shelves of my local Blockbuster in 1993. I didn't watch the film then, and that's probably a good thing. There is no way I would have appreciated the message then. I've long been under the delusion that all people get crazy as they get older. This film clearly illustrates that people start out crazy.

193. Peyton Place (1957)
Mom talks about Peyton Place as being quite taboo when she was a youngster growing up in a small town. And no wonder. It's a good, big screen soap opera, with family discord, rape, murder, and an over-bearing orchestrated score.

194. The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (2011)
I'd seen the original Swedish movie already, and I looked forward to comparing the two. The American version looks good and builds its story well, but I was very disappointed in its spoon-feeding the resolution to the audience. Now I'm going to have to read the book to find out which was more loyal.

195. 200 Cigarettes (1999)
Think Empire Records but with less emotion and worse dialogue. And for a movie named after cigarettes, why doesn't anyone in the film look like they enjoy smoking them? (Only in the finale does Ben Affleck even looks like he knows what to do with one.)

196. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)
Screenwriter Charlie Kaufman is brilliant, but I don't think I could stomach multiple viewings of any of his films. (One more note: I found Kate Winslet's character completely unlikable. That means I spend this entire movie yelling at Jim Carrey to shut up and get over her. He didn't. I'm not putting myself through that again.)

197. The Big Year (2011)
Reviews of this movie gave me the impression that it would suck, but a cast of fine character actors injected this bittersweet comedy with a lot of life. I liked it.

198. D.O.A. (1950)
I liked this, too. The protagonist solves a typically convoluted film-noir plot by process of elimination. Careening clumsily from one suspect to another like a runaway pinball, he solves his own murder only after all other possibilities are eliminated. Deserves its place among the film-noir classics.

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Movies watched, week ending April 21.

94. Mutiny on the Bounty (1961)
I've never really cared for Marlon Brando. This movie didn't much help his cause with me. He's no Gregory Peck, that's for sure.

96. The Bounty Hunter (2010)
I watched this movie only because it was starting just as I was sitting down to dinner. My dinner was not very good (overly-spiced and nearly inedible), and the movie was worse.

97. The Searchers (1956)
I read online that this John Ford/John Wayne film is still considered by many to be the best western ever made. While there is no denying that it is very good, I wouldn't go that far. I think Eastwood has made far better films in the years since.

98. Attack of the 5 Ft. 2 Women (1994)
I admit that I watched this movie because of its title. I still think that Julie Brown is funny, but this movie was more like a series of weak Tracy Ulman Show sketches than an actual feature film.

99. A Family Affair (1937)
After Mickey Rooney's cameo in The Muppets, Mom chose to watch this movie because it is the first of Rooney's Andy Hardy films. (If you don't know what I'm talking about, ask your grandparents about them.) I can't really understand why this movie spawned a series. I guess that its overly simplified melodrama with a happy ending appealed to Depression era film-goers. Its plot just seems laughably weak now.

100. Winter A-Go-Go (1965)
Another film chosen by Mom, after we had both re-watched a couple of Frankie and Annette beach movies. This Columbia film wanted to be a beach movie so badly, it shows in every frame. Too bad the best thing in the movie is the "Coke bar," clearly what passed as product placement in 1965. (I laughed at the "dancing" in the movie -- which was little more than high-speed ass shaking -- complaining that no one has ever danced like that. Mom was conspicuously silent.)

101. In the Good Old Summertime (1949)
I watched this musical because Buster Keaton was in it. I do not regret my decision. His part is small, but the laughs he generates are not.

102. Horrible Bosses (2011)
I'm glad to see Jennifer Aniston in something funny for a change. Generally, she's the opposite of Buster Keaton.

So that's that. Past 100 movies on the year, and it's still only April!

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For all the fuss my friends have made about it, you'd think I only watched Twilight movies in March. Not true. The Twilight made up only a small minority of my March viewing.

44. MASH (1970)
I never really cared for the series, and this movie is in many ways just like it. Fortunately, Donald Southerland's Hawkeye does far less moralizing than Alan Alda's Hawkeye, making the film slightly more tolerable than the television show.

45. Spartacus (1960)
This film is far too long, and it seems far longer than it is. However, the week before I watched it, I had played The Republic of Rome, a board game equally epic in scope as the movie. I enjoyed the game, and found comparisons between Spartacus' Rome and the game's rules to be compelling enough to keep watching when Tony Curtis' "singing" wasn't.

46. Proof (2005)
Mom chose this movie about a very smart adult child who fears succumbing to the same mental illness that her father had. I found the film difficult to watch.

47. After the Thin Man (1936)
An evenly-matched married couple with a dog gleefully fast-talk their way through solving a murder mystery? Say no more, I'm in! Delightful in every way. I'm now actively seeking out the 5 other movies in the Thin Man series to watch.

48. A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum (1966)
I found the highlight of this comedy of errors to be Buster Keaton in his final film role. This film reminded me of the more madcap Marx Brothers films in that I liked it, but felt dizzy long before it was over.

49. For Your Consideration (2006)
How did I miss this Christopher Guest film when it came out? I love movies about movies, and a Christopher Guest movie about movies? Sublime.

50. The D.I. (1957)
If I didn't love Jack Webb so, I probably would have found this film with him in the role of a Marine drill instructor unintentionally humorous. But I cannot laugh at Jack Webb. Joe Friday would fuck your shit up.

51. Furry Vengeance (2010)
Every bit as bad as you would expect a film in which evil Brendon Fraiser is tormented by woodland creatures to be. What is it with "family" movies these days? They are all terribly stupid. I don't know why, but Hollywood apparently hates children more than I do.

52. Moneyball (2011)
I don't care for baseball, but I enjoyed this behind-the-scenes look at the unconventional building of a team to be very enjoyable. Recommended.

53. Seven Days in May (1964)
Another great film. A truly suspenseful thriller with fantastic performances by the entire cast. Most surprisingly, the political themes at the core of the film are as relevant in the fear-mongering climate of 2012 as they were in 1964.

54. The Queen (2006)
Another recommendation by Mom. Normally, I hate historic biopics. I just can't abide by fictional words being placed in characters' mouths. That said, I really enjoyed Michael Sheen as the Prime Minister, and Helen Mirren is Queen Elizabeth. A worthwhile couple of hours.

55. Your Highness (2011)
This movie presents a different kind of royal family. Given the title, I expected more drug humor, so I was excited to find that this film rather adeptly captured the spirit of one of my role-playing game sessions exactly.

56. The Social Network (2011)
I was distracted from the last 30 minutes of the movie by a real programming emergency, and I simply haven't cared to find out how it ends. I don't really understand why everyone thought this movie is so great, but then I've never really understood the appeal of Facebook, either.

58. Movie Crazy (1932)
Yet another movie about movies. Silent-film star Harold Lloyd produced and starred in this talkie about a klutz who becomes a movie star. Despite the audio track, this is very much a silent movie in spirit. Most of the dialogue is wooden and used only to set up sight gags. Where the movie does sparkle is in the occasional verbal jousting between Lloyd and love-interest Constance Cummings. Her quick wordplay is far better than her capricious character deserves, and in my opinion she steals the film.

More to come.

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The Times-Herald reports that the Newnan police department is adding to it's repertoire of offbeat crime fighting techniques by hiring a talking golf cart.

You may recall that earlier this year, the Newnan police apprehended a suspect thanks to the timely assistance of a psychic. (Nevermind that the charges were eventually dropped due to lack of evidence. Damn the courts for not recognizing psychic evidence!) Now Police Chief Buster Meadows welcomes Officer Auto to the force. While I applaud his attempt at equal opportunity employment, I'm not so sure that this is the right pace to set for the force.

Officer Auto -- if that is it's real name -- is a cast off from the Department of Defense. There must be plenty of automobiles looking for work in this down economy. Couldn't we do better than Uncle Sam's lemons? Even Chrysler got a bailout, but we got stuck with a used golf cart?

This rookie is supposed to be assigned to a crack detail that will visit locak elementary schools. But it turns out that the upgrades that give Officer Auto its voice were paid for by donations from drug dealers. This new cop hasn't even hit the streets yet, and he's already on the take! We certainly don't need that kind of moral corrosion dropping by our students' classrooms to give them a lift. Officer Auto? More like Speed buggy!

I say it's time we take back the streets, and give Officer Auto the boot! Let's put the brakes on this situation before it can gain traction in our community.

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Hollywood has made its latest great mistake in casting Jaden Smith, Will Smith's son, in the upcoming The Karate Kid remake. Nothing against Jaden, but that role was custom made for The Douche, aka Shia LaBeouf.

Think about it: what do you remember about Ralph Macchio's Daniel Larusso? He's really whiny and runs his mouth. A lot. It gets him in fights. It ruins his relationships with family and friends. The hot girlfriends just seem to fall into his lap. Remind you of anyone else?

The Karate Kid and its sequels are really successful thanks to the work of Pat Moriata, Martin Kove, Billy Zabka and an otherwise outstanding cast. Larusso is so irritating, you're practically pulling for Johnny to destroy him when he sweeps the leg just to shut Daniel up. Likewise, LaBeouf has been in major blockbusters that have succeeded despite his douchey presence: he's been upstaged on film by an old man, computer generated stereotypes, and holes in the ground. This time around, he could have been upstaged by Jackie Chan, who knows way more kung fu than Pat Morita ever did.

You missed your chance, Hollywood. By the time you get around to remaking this film, LaBeouf will be too old to play the role. LaBeouf is already filming the sequel to Wall Street, and you've seen what happened to Charlie Sheen's face since that film. Working with Michael Douglas ages you: just ask Kathleen Turner and Sharon Stone.

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More interesting that any 2009 movie is the New York Times distribution map for 2009 Netflix renters in Atlanta. This thing is fascinating. The North side loves Slumdog Millionaire; the West, Knowing; the East, Not Easily Broken; the South, Tyler Perry's The Family That Preys; inside the Perimeter, Milk; outside the Perimeter, Paul Blart, Mall Cop. Like a Hollywood blockbuster, It's everything that you'd expect.

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One of the nine dogs I was dogsitting this past weekend was mauled to death by another one of the nine. The dead dog was a typically enthusiastic beagle named Petey. The survivor was a much larger mixed breen mutt named Buster. The cause of their final encounter remains unknown: the two had long been affable kennelmates, and I didn't come upon the scene until minutes after the fatal event. I was able to get Petey to the animal hospital alive, but surgery was unable to save him from his extensive internal injuries. Petey died several hours later, alone in a cage. Buster was and remains confined to a lonely 5-ft by 10-ft kennel pending evaluation.

I mention this because it sucks to have a limp and wheezing puppy in your arms for Christmas. It does, however, adequately illustrate my general indisposition about the never-ending Christmas season: you know the dog is going to die, and there is nothing that you can do about it but wait it out. This situation is not significantly improved by the possibility that If you're judged "nice," you'll get a new shirt to replace the one ruined by all the blood.

Bah, humbug.

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