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I had a dream last night in which I was in a romantic relationship with a human woman, and it was kind of nice. Was that the point of the dream? I don't know. Do dreams have points? In any event, it made me consider whether I should look into being in a romantic relationship again.

Of course, any potential candidates would have to meet a few basic qualifications first. Obviously she'd have to like dogs, laugh at my good jokes, and at least tolerate football and video games. I'd prefer a girl better looking and smarter than I am, but I'll settle for average looks and significantly-better-than-average intelligence. Brightly-colored dyed hair is a plus.

If I found someone like that, before we went on a date, she'd have to answer the following brief questionnaire:

  1. When is the right time of year to wear open-toed shoes?
  2. Which of Alfred Hitchcock's movies is the best?
  3. How early is too early for stores to start selling Halloween decorations in advance of Halloween?
  4. Marvel or DC?
  5. What's the proper response to "We don't have Coke. Is Pepsi Okay?"

If there is a woman alive who can pass those criteria, honestly, she probably deserves better than me. Live long and prosper, awesome lady!

For the record, correct answers are 1. Never; 2. My personal preference is Rope but I'll accept anything but Vertigo; 3. September 23; 4. DC; and 5. Burn the place down and salt the ashes.

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This weekend, the BBC ran an item about male escorts in London. Rather amusingly, the article included the story of one client who would,

"...really like to take advantage of Superman. I would arrive at her house in a suit. I'd go along in glasses; underneath my suit is a Superman outfit and we would go through this role-play. She would at one point bring out a green rock on a chain which was kryptonite - that makes Superman begin to lose his power. And of course when Superman loses his power, he's available to be taken advantage of."

Though that client is not named in the article, I think we can easily guess her real identity:

You should have seen this coming, Superman. After all, Lois always wanted her own

Now I don't really want this to devolve into an argument about sexual politics, but I would have to say that you shouldn't be surprised to see this dynamic actually spring up in the near future of the Superman mythos. I've complained about the editorial direction that DC has taken in the recent past. (I am now calling DC Comics "violence pornography"). And recently, Warner Brothers executives who were "disappointed" in the weak gains of Superman Returns have promised "exploring the evil side to characters" in the vein of the much more financially successful The Dark Knight. (Which sadly means that they don't know what they did wrong with Superman Returns when the obvious answer is as close as Christopher Reeve's portrayal of a superior ethical being in Superman: The Movie that the studio tried so hard to [r]ape without really understanding.)

So when Superman's Girlfriend Lois Lane, romantic foil of a light comic fantasy, is replaced by Superman's Stalker Lois Lane, a darkly twisted "realistic" woman driven by her lust for a true Man of Steel, in an upcoming movie, expect me to say, "I told you so." Because you know I will.

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To be continued...


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