I make fun of newspapers a lot, but they're not always the problem. For example, today I read this Newnan Times-Herald lede:

"Coweta County Crooner Richard Hawk is now officially a member of the Georgia Child Fatality Review Panel."

Yes, I thought it was odd that a singer would be appointed to such an important sounding government position, but this is 2017. We have a brain surgeon running government housing, a movie producer directing the treasury, an anti-science lawyer scuttling the EPA, a bespectacled idiot in charge of a department he can't remember the name of, and a game show host in the White House (on weekdays — on weekends he pretends to be an amateur golfer in Florida). In that light, a singer taking a state government position doesn't seem so strange.

But that's not what the paper really said. After I had my breakfast and was thinking more clearly, I realized that the man wasn't a "crooner" but a "coroner." Appointing a professional coroner makes way more sense for a Fatality Review Panel.

If only the federal government was so rational.

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Would Trump be our president if The Colbert Report was still on the air? If you didn't watch the show, that probably sounds like a stupid question. Maybe you didn't watch The Colbert Report. It averaged only about 1 million viewers per night. Perhaps you weren't one of them. There's no shame in that. It was on late anyway.

Maybe you didn't watch because you didn't like Colbert's fawning right-wing politics and devotion to what he called "truthiness," only believing the facts that he wanted to believe, whether they were true or not. That was a put-on, a satire of what passes for television journalism in 21st century America, but it's understandable if you didn't realize it. Humor is subjective, and no one like to feel like the butt of the joke.

But Colbert wasn't canceled because you didn't watch. It was canceled because CBS offered Stephen Colbert a lot of money and he took it. Unfortunately, when he went to CBS, he didn't take his satirical character with him. Where he once had a well-earned reputation for speaking truth to power, he chose instead to glibly shill celebrity clothing lines. And that's my point.

Trump entered the presidential race only six months after The Colbert Report left the air. While plenty of voices decried Trump's nonstop stream of bullshit, the voice that would have been the most damning would have been the one most like his own. In our time of need, there was no one to lead us.

Would Trump be our president if The Colbert Report was still on the air? Probably yes. Frankly, the people who voted for Trump weren't the sort who would watch a nightly half-hour satirical comedy show about politics. But watching Trump's crony capitalists loot every American institution for their own benefit would be a lot less painful experience if Dr. Stephen T. Colbert was around to cushion the blow with his sharp tongue. Sadly, Kanye West's $120 t-shirts just don't seem that amusing anymore.

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As if having a professional clown^[1] for a president wasn't bad enough, it has recently been reported that Donald Trump might raise the price of comic books^[2].

For years, DC Comics has been using Canadian companies to print their comics^[3]. Under the North American Free Trade Agreement, US companies were able to import those comics duty free^[4]. Given the quality of most mainstream comics today^[5], this has effectively become the equivalent of the US taking in Canada's toxic waste for free, so you can see why Trump would want to stop this in order to make America great again.

Trump's protectionist objectives call for rolling back NAFTA^[6] and raising tariffs of up to 10% on all imports^[7], including presumably comic books. Because if there's anything that helps stimulate the economy, it's stifling imports^[8].

Assuming DC continues their current practice of printing in Canada, they'd pay more to get them to consumers. Something tells me they'd just pass that cost increase on to us^[9]. In 2016, new comics already averaged $3.89 per issue^[10]. By 2018, a single book could cost more than a Big Mac^[11]. If Americans are forced to choose between comics and Big Macs, we might be looking at the end of an industry^[12]. Should that happen, we can be sure that Trump won't notice. He doesn't read^[13].

But I guess I shouldn't complain. Who needs comic books when your president is a living caricature^[14]?

Footnotes follow (because in Trump's America everyone has to justify his own alternative facts^[15]):

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On January 20, 1993, my high school A.P. American history teacher, Mrs. Pat Tidwell, let us watch the inauguration of President William Jefferson Clinton in the school media center (i.e., library) during class. The bell to end class rang before Clinton had actually been sworn in, so I remained behind for a few extra minutes before hustling to my next class, English Literature. I wore a purple pullover and blue jeans with a Miami Dolphins Starter® jacket.

Frankly, I don't remember that day all that well.

(What I do remember was that I was not (and remain not) a fan of Mr. Clinton. I found his campaign, including playing saxophone for Arsenio Hall and telling MTV that he smoked but didn't inhale, to be incredibly pandering. Gennifer Flowers didn't help my impression.)

Anyway, as I was preparing to leave, the band started playing "Hail to the Chief." Turning to the teacher, I quipped, "They should be playing the Beatles 'The Fool on the Hill'." I still think it's a pretty good joke.

I wrote all of that just to say that for Donald John Trump's inauguration on Friday, the band should play "Back in the U.S.S.R."

It's funny because it's true.

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I have been accused of being overzealous in my crusade to save humanity from its cervidae would-be conquerors. To paraphrase a quote from America's inspirational president-elect, I would rather live one day as a lion than 100 years as a deer. It turns out that I'm not the only one.

According to the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, a homeowners' association in neighboring Fayette County has a plan to deal with its "dangerous" deer problem. Instead of pussyfooting around with traps or sterilization, the Whitewater Creek Country Club Homeowners Association is planning to call in a team of federal sharpshooters. I assume they're talking about SEAL Team 6.

Naturally, any plan this bold will have its detractors. In this case, the bleeding heart residents have formed an opposition group they've named Concerned Citizens Against Deer Eradication. It's pretty clear they don't know what they're doing. CCADE is a terrible acronym.

The newspaper completely omits just how CCADE is planning to stop the WCCCHOA from executing its plan. It says they have hired "a Washington DC law firm," but I'm not sure how that's going to help. This is America. If there's anything we have more of than lawyers, it's bullets.

When will liberal, country club dwelling people learn? When it comes to remorseless deer marauding across your drought resistant Zoysia lawn or eating your organically fertilized, gluten free cucumbers, there's only one solution. Build a wall. And if you can get your neighbors to pay for it, all the better.

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Last week, the Athens Banner-Herald ran a news story about deer/vehicle collisions on state roads, including my favorite road, US Highway 29. The story ended with this line:

"In three instances, deputies had to shoot the badly injured deer."

Think about that. Imagine a scenario in which a police officer "had to" shoot a deer. What do you see? Does it look something like this?

It should. Those collisions weren't accidents. They were yet another offensive in deer's eternal war against humanity.

What if, instead of shooting them, the officers had given the "badly injured" deer medical attention and let them go free? How many days do you think would pass before that deer attacked another car? What if next time, it was your wife's car? Or your daughter's? Can you really afford to take that chance?

Deer. They'd do it to you.

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Power's out. No post today. (Hard to type in the dark.) Thanks, President Trump.

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It hasn't rained at my house since September. That's probably my fault. My birthday was in September, and the one thing I asked for was a new rain suit.

Sorry, Georgia. I'll take the blame for the rain. Trump is still on you.

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When the Republicans chose Donald Trump to be their representative in the general election, I was convinced that they had selected the only man who couldn't win, a reality television star and self-proclaimed business genius who ruined both the USFL and Atlantic City, New Jersey. Obviously, I underestimated how much Americans hate Hillary Clinton. I hate being wrong.

People say they hate government, yet they keep re-electing the same Congressmen. They say they want to change a broken system, but they vote for the same political party their parents voted for. So don't try to tell me that this election was about anything other than a referendum on whether they wanted a woman who lied about her correspondence to run their country.

Just think how big a win it would have been if the Republican candidate hadn't called American P.O.W.s "losers" or said that most Mexicans in America were rapists or bragged about how he sexually harassed women or called the whole system rigged unless he won. Ye gods. This was the better option?

While I join at least 50% of Americans trying to come to terms with the surprise election outcome of a lifetime, I admit that I have already learned something new. I used to believe that people voted for the candidate that offered them what they wanted. While that's still true, I learned that what they want isn't a job (which Trump can't create) or a handout (which Trump won't offer). What they want is a friend. In politics, personal charisma trumps all. Everyone's willing to forgive their friend for just about anything, even being an ill-tempered, misogynistic racist. Sorry, Hillary, but you aren't any better at being charismatic than you are at managing your email.

Now America's newest cult of personality friend is Donald Trump. We'll just have to live with him and his foibles until someone more charismatic comes along. (What's Oprah doing these days?)

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Screenshot from my phone on election night:

When the BBC is showing a mushroom cloud, you know things are bad.

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