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Maybe I'm just jealous that they didn't sell poop-shaped toys when I was three years old, but no. Just no.
I don't know what's wrong with kids in 2019. Back in my day, everyone came with their own poop slime formula.
Dad update: he's now in his third hospital in as many weeks.
First he had heart surgery in Atlanta to replace a malfunctioning mitral valve. He came home for a couple of days before shortness of breath took him to the emergency room in Newnan. They diagnosed him with atrial fibrillation, a relatively common complication, and sent him to Fayetteville to have a pacemaker installed.
Doctors say he should be fine. I agree. He's already proven that for a guy with a bad heart, Dad can really get around.
Meanwhile, this side-effects poster was on the wall of his third room:
A closer look reveals a very familiar "face."
EVEN IN HOSPITALS.
When I started this series of posts, I thought that the shit emoji must be a fad that would lose its appeal over time. I was wrong.
Yes, I showed you a floating pile of shit last year, but that one was recommended for ages 9 and up. This one is suitable for 7-year-olds. Next year expect shit-shaped water wings.
I helped a friend do some work around his house last week, and I spotted this, the tumbler he uses to hold his 6-year-old daughter's juice.
Normally, when I see this sort of thing, I'm left wondering what the owner could be thinking. However, I've known Randy long enough to know that this isn't a thoughtless accident. He probably gets a kick out of watching his little girl suck shit.
I suppose if you have a child, you get to decide what to do with it. Kids are just pets that can talk!
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What should you give your loved one for Earth Day? How about leftover valentines, 50% off!
I mean, I know I'm old and out of touch, but I cannot imagine what would happen if I had given one of these to a classmate when I was in elementary school.
On the other hand, no would have had any problem if I'd a water gun in my backpack. *shrug*
Mom spotted this "not gross at all" product at the dollar store:
She told me that she had to take a second glance at the "slimy and sticky" blurb. On first glance, she thought it said "scratch and sniff." She couldn't believe that anyone would want scratch and sniff poo.
It wasn't 30 minutes later when we found this on an endcap at Michaels:
I admit it; I scratched, and I sniffed. Do you want to smell my finger?
Whenever I used to hear old people say "life was better when," I thought they'd were full of shit. But now that I'm in my mid-40s myself....
Poo you hit with a stick.
I'm afraid to think what might come out.
The 25 actors and directors nominated in their categories at tonight's Academy Awards will receive a gift bag worth a reported $100,000. That sounds like a lot, but it's really a load of crap.
Thirty percent of that total is a coupon for plastic surgery. About half are coupons for food, vacations, and self-help sessions. Most of the rest are beauty products or drugs (chocolate, cannabis-infused edibles, and absinthe). There's also a book, a bracelet, a bow tie, and a plunger. But it's not just any plunger! It's the Mister Poop Fully Functional Plunger!
But wait, that's not all! According to their press release:
"The Oscar® nominees receiving gift bags will each get a Mister Poop Toilet Plunger, and a T-Shirt emblazoned, "Crappy Products that Really Work'."
That beats their first draft: "I was nominated for an Oscar® and all I got was this lousy t-shirt promoting a shitty plunger."
The release goes on to
warn us announce that the manufacturers, who paid a minimum of $4,000 just to have their products included in the gift bags, are "in talks" with retailers about shelving their products. (They do know that there is already a poo-shaped plunger on the market, don't they?)
Mister Poop Plungers and Toilet Brushes, coming soon to a 7-Eleven near you.
While out shopping, Mom said, "we should look and see what they have here that has the poo emoji on it." No! Bad mother! That's the opposite of what we should be doing.
My whole series of posts on this damn emoji shit is supposed to discourage through ridicule. If it is having the opposite effect, if I am somehow making poop emoji more desirable, I'll turn this blog right around, and no one will get any ice cream!
That said... I accidentally spotted this in Target last month. I'm serious. I was looking at the goods on the "As Seen on TV" aisle when I turned around and here was this, glaring at me with its many beady, dead eyes:
I found it so hard to believe that a caring parent would send their child off to elementary school with a bag of shit, I actually looked this one up online. I cut and paste the Accessory Innovations Emoji 16" Happens Kids' Backpack sales pitch:
Your favorite emoji has gotten a whole lot colorful. Your child will be able to rock this bag while still being themselves. With its bright colors your child will be sure to standout in the crowd.
That's some first class salesmanship right there. "Your child will be able to rock this bag while still being themselves" does sound way better than "your kid will look like the little shit he is." I tip my hat to you, Target.com. Kudos.
Or should I say "poo"-dos?
"Poo"-dos it is.