In yet another entry in the "Wertham was right" casebook:

Note 1: is it appropriate for this line of dialogue to come from Robin, the "Boy Wonder"?
Note 2: does the dialogue balloon have to be placed between Superman's legs?
Note 3: should Batwoman really look so happy about the situation?

(Panel taken from from World's Finest Comics #104, "The Plot to Destroy Superman," 1959. And don't worry; the crooks soon learn that "it doesn't work on him." Historical note: Dr. Frederic Wertham published Seduction of the Innocent in 1954 to warn the public that homosexual couple Batman and Robin were ruining America's youth. I don't recall any specific mention of the dangers of Superman and vibrators, but Robin seems concerned enough for everyone.)

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Say, Robin, is that a snake in your bed, or... oh, nevermind. (By the way, that's a harmonica in Robin's mouth, not a gag.) See, Robin had just charmed the "monster rattlesnake" that was preparing to kill Batman by playing the harmonica, as he had "once read how Hindus blow music on reeds and charm cobras!" The rattlesnake must have read the same book, I guess.

This all makes perfect sense in context, of course.

At the start of this story, "The Ghost Gang Goes West," Batman and Robin are on vacation aboard a train -- the "Crack Express" -- in the "old wild west." They soon steal -- er, "borrow" -- some horses while failing to apprehend a gang of bank robbers. Batman knocks Robin out so that an angry mob of citizens would lynch Batman and not Robin for the theft. Fortunately, Batman was able to trick the mob into not lynching him by spilling a glass of water on the ground. (Nothing stops a lynch mob faster than a puddle. Nothing.) A member of the mob offers to let Batman stay at his ranch, an offer that Batman accepts despite nearly being lynched moments ago by the same fellow. (I guess the old saying is true; "if you can't lynch 'em, let 'em stay at your house.") At this point, cue the rattlesnake that is dropped into Batman's bed. (Batman's bunk must have been easy to find, he sleeps in his mask, after all.)

A few panels later, Robin would warn Batman not to trip over a rock, but of course, world-class athlete Batman trips over the rock. However, this turns out to be a good thing because by falling down, Batman has dodged a bullet fired from an unseen sniper. (Hooray rock!) It's a good thing that Batman isn't killed, because he soon finds himself riding a bucking bronco in order to prevent the bronco from killing Robin. (An undisclosed culprit warns us that the bronco has "killed three men already," so Robin must have been in real danger! Though why anyone would keep a saddled killer horse around is beyond me.)

This story does have a happy ending. Batman does catch the bank robbers that everyone else believes to be ghosts because they ride white horses and travel very quickly. How does he do it? By removing their horses' shoes and calling the cops on them. Because everyone knows that you can't run from the cops without shoes.

And that, boys and girls, is why the vaunted Golden Age of comics was fucked up.

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Today, on "Comics Out Of Context," I present to you 1940's Superman #7. The following panels are unaltered and are presented in the order that they originally appeared. (Though there may have been some other panels in between.)

Granted, the word "gay" didn't gain widespread usage as a euphemism for homosexuality until the 1960s, but did they really have to refer to "Gay City" quite so liberally? This story was originally published with no title, but it has since been republished as "The Exploding Citizens" and "The Gay City Plague." Someone at DC Comics has a great sense of humor.

If the "uncanny menace" of Gay City is so dire, why do they even let planes land at the airport allowing her to take her life into her own hands? I know you won't believe me, but the rest of Lois' action in this story is limited to her chewing gum, sitting very still, and sleeping. (Would I lie to you?) In comparison, Superman "whizzes" once and "streaks" three times in this story, including...

Ah, Superman, the only person able to defend the gallant citizens of Gay City from the systematic oppresion of their corrupt leaders. He single-handedly makes the villains confess their evil deeds to the police. How, you ask? By flying them there. Stanley, the corrupt Gay City Commissioner and Kotzoff, the Mad Gay City Scientist (who Superman is "horrified" to discover has no tongue -- don't ask how) are apparently much more afraid of heights than the wrath of the angered Gay City Citizens. Thank you, Superman! I suppose all's well that ends, well, gay.

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Lois, your boyfriend, Superman, just gave you chocolates and a card. Superman, a man who can generate enough pressure to fabricate diamonds from raw coal, use x-ray vision to find undiscovered gold deposits, and swim to the ocean's greatest depths to recover natural pearls, gives his girlfriend chocolates and a card. Worse yet, Superman, a man whose brain works faster than a computer, who has matched wits and won against Brainiac, the universe's smartest supervillain, who has saved countless lives through the force of his own will alone, couldn't even be bothered to take the time to think of a better inscription for the card than "Be my valentine from Superman."

That expression on Lois' face isn't happiness. And there's a reason that Superman is rushing out that window. He may be super, but he's still just a man.

The best part of all of this? For Valentine's Day, Superman gave Lois the Schaff's.

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Re-reading the Batman storyline A Lonely Place of Dying, I found this panel:

The narrator means Dick Grayson, the first Robin. I swear.

The narrator in this case is Alfred Pennyworth, Batman's trusty manservant. If anyone would be privy to Batman's enjoyment of, um, Dick, Alfred would be the one to know.

By the way, what exactly is Batman supposed to be holding up that Robin is so happy about? It looks like, well, something someone who is happier with Dick would be holding, if you know what I mean.

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Here's something a little scary for you on this Friday the 13th: more evidence that Dr. Frederick Wertham, author of the industry influencing Seduction of the Innocent, was right arguing against the subtle, damaging influence of comic books on America's youth. These panels are all in sequential order as presented in Superman's Action Comics #20, published in 1940.

Sure, I eliminated some filler panels there, but only to make the subtext clearer for scientific examination. Gay equals good times. Not gay equals bullet in the face. Clearly the message here is that if you are a heterosexual, you shouldn't go to any gay Hollywood parties. They'll kill you. I suppose that this really makes you look at those post-Oscar parties in a whole new light, doesn't it? Note that Superman is not at the party. Why? Because Superman is not gay.

With messages like these buried in super hero comics, it's no wonder that Rock Hudson and Tom Cruise turned out gay. (Personally, I think Rock Hudson would have made a great Superman, by the way. Were he not, you know, dead.)

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If this were an online sex story, it would have to be coded "MMb, s/m, cosplay."

 

Even though this is probably the stupidest death trap that the Joker has ever conceived, that's clearly not the real story in this image. The real question should be, "why does Robin look so happy about what's about to happen?"

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In the infamous Seduction of the Innocent, Dr. Wertham describes the relationship between Batman and Robin as "the wish dream of two homosexuals living together."

I think it is most interesting that the character of Robin, created purely for the purpose of encouraging children readers to more closely relate to the adventures of the Batman, has served his purpose so well as to result in the enduring cultural subtext of the gay Batman. Even Dr. Wertham's studies indicate that Robin, not Batman, is the character that most people with homosexual desires project themselves into. No one wants to sleep with Robin; they want to be ravashed by the Batman. Robin is freqently shown pining for Batman, yet rarely, if ever, is Batman shown doing anything demonstrably homoerotic in nature. That makes Robin, not Batman, the homosexual partner in the Dynamic Duo.

See what I mean? Damn, boy, can't you even keep your legs together!

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More proof that Batman isn't gay:

Robin is.

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The single greatest panel in the history of Batman comic books appeared waaaaay back in Batman issue 1 in 1940:

It was followed shortly thereafter by the second greatest panel in the history of Batman comic books:

.

In fact, everything I know about relationships I learned from reading Batman and Robin comic books. You beat up villains (who love you for it), you play rough with the ladies (who love you for it), and you endanger the safety of little boys (who love you for it). What more do you need to know in life?

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