For whatever reason I found myself watching the Golden Globes on NBC on Sunday. (I can't explain it. It just happened.) The highlight of the whole ceremony was the presentation of the Best Supporting Actor Award, which was >surprise!< given posthumously to Heath Ledger. (The "posthumous" is the important part here. No one would have given him an award for playing a comic-book villain if he hadn't overdosed on prescription medication. "I'd like to thank God, my mother, and the pharmaceutical corporations of America for making this award possible!")

The reaction shots of the losing nominees were priceless. No one could look happy, as the award was given to a dead guy. And no one could look too sad or disappointed, because that would make them look like a selfish dick. So everyone just sort of looked around like they were trying to find the bathroom. Priceless. Robert Downy, Jr., who, in my humble opinion, should win every award they give out for his performance in Tropic Thunder, just sort of rolled his eyes and shrugged. Awe-some.

And while I'm no fan of Tom Cruise, I must admit that I probably enjoyed his reaction the most. While there's something blissfully satisfying for me in his annual desperate, doomed grab for awards glory, actually watching him slowly realize that this year he may lose his opportunities to a dead guy in clown make-up has provided me with many a comforting moment in recent days.

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Perhaps you've heard this by now, but there's a death row inmate in Ohio who is suing the state to prevent his execution. The essence of his argument is that since all approved methods of execution would result in cruelty as a result of his obesity, he cannot be executed by the state.

You've got to admit that's pretty clever using the system against itself. "You can't kill me because I'm too fat, and you can't make me lose weight because then you'd just kill me." Check and Mate! What this really proves is that you can have your cake and eat it, too.

This fellow sounds like a true Kingpin of Crime at work to me.

Damn, that's one fat criminal.

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Gary Gygax is dead. Should we laud him as the Father of the RPG or curse him as the enabler behind that irritating Uni on the Dungeons & Dragons cartoon? Put yourself in my shoes and decide!

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Over on CNN.com today, they are running one story about how poorly people manage risk assessment in the modern world and another story on the fate of a missing woman who was found dead, trapped behind a bookshelf in her own house. Personally, I was amused by the irony. I think it's particularly comical that CNN, which like every other television news show thrives on fear mongering, would promote an argument from sister publication Time Magazine about how fearing the wrong things is a pointless endeavor that steals people's happiness and longevity. I guess we can only fear things so long as CNN (or its parent, Time Warner) tells us it's ok.

Just yesterday I was reading a story about the death of a girl in a Porsche on a California highway. That story was accompanied by pictures of the crash. You might think a girl must have lost her head to make the decision to swerve past another car while traveling at over 100 mph through a tollbooth. Turns out that she did. (Though it's hard to tell if that happened before or after the crash.) One of the posters on the message board pointed out that at the age of 18, the driver of the Porsche was unable to ascertain that her actions behind the wheel were likely to result in her demise. Isn't that what why we were shown Red Asphalt in high school?

Meanwhile, while the net is abuzz about the Russian spy who died from rare Polonium-210 radiation poisoning in London, traditional American news media (tv and newsprint) seem much more concerned about the fate of celebrity Michael Richards in the wake of his tirade against hecklers. I mean, who cares what happens to a spy (unless, of course, it's the latest James Bond)? Now that the hecklers are demanding an apology live on CNN talk shows (which were on at Moe's the other night while I was trying to eat "The Full Monty"), I think that everything has gone a little bit far. Especially when every news service seems willing to reproduce the cell phone video of the rant, but only after editing out the offending words. When mainstream America decides that it is more dangerous for a comedian to say the word "nigger" to a heckler than to be concerned about, well, anything else, that's probably indicative of our poor choice of acceptable risks.

And that's not to mention the war in Iraq (with potentially a new impending draft), federal budget deficits (with no social security guarantees), or Wal-Mart's report of its first sales decline in a decade (with other signs that America's retail giant may be floundering).

All in all, I probably shouldn't be too surprised about this failure to recognize and respond to risk in America. When the highest rated show on television is Dancing with the Stars while two-thirds of Americans are obese, it pretty much proves that no one is tuning in to watch the dancing.

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I have now seen Transformers, and it sucks. I mean really, really sucks. For many, many reasons. For example, in all promotional advertising Dreamworks presents Optimus Prime's head with a mask over the mouth just as his movie-inspiring toy version has traditionally appeared. However, in the film, Prime has a visible mouth at all times. Why would Dreamworks promote the film showcasing a design that doesn't appear within the film? Answer: because they know that the masked toy-design is much, much better than the design that they actually used. I only mention this because this proves that the in-house marketing department at Dreamworks knows that their film actually sucks. As I previously posted on May 30, even director Michael Bay publicly stated that he thought the movie sucked. So who the hell paid to see this thing in the theater enough times to make it the 3rd highest grossing movie of 2007 to date? That person is the reason that we have capital punishment in America.

But since I think that so many of my recent posts have been so negative as late, instead of a long post about the abundant things about Transformers that make it very, very horrible, instead may I present two things worth watching instead:

1. Bleach on Cartoon Network. Sure, it's animated anime fantasy about super powers and dead samurai sword fights, but isn't that exactly the genre of thing that you'd go to see Transformers for? Great characterization always produces great entertainment. And this show's got it (whether the pronoun "it" here refers to either "characterization" or "entertainment") AND super powered sword fights set to Japanese pop-music. Sweet.

2. Pushing Daisies on ABC. This is the wonderfully narrated fairy tale of one man who has the power to return the dead to life. Naturally, he uses this power to solve murders and complicate his own love life. This show looks like nothing else I've ever seen on TV. It's getting great reviews, but must have a truly staggering production budget (and rumors circulate that director/producer Barry Sonnenfield has gone waaaay over-budget and angered studio execs), so I suspect that it will get the axe as soon as ratings slip even a little. See it while you can.

It suddenly occurs to me that both of those shows circulate around the concept of death. But then, so do CSI (and most other crime dramas), House (and most other medical dramas), and Law & Order (and most other detective shows). So let's not get carried away with calling me a goth, okay?

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My beloved poodle, Chere, died today at approximately 2PM. Though the cause of death will never be known for sure, my father, Chere's caretaker and best friend, believes that Chere suffered a heart attack. [Updated Sept. 3] At least she avoided one of the most common fears of humanity: she died not alone, but in my father's arms.

She was a good dog, and I loved her.

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Think about this: today, most coffins are made in an assembly line fashion by robots. Robots weld the lining, paint the exterior, and embroider the interior. That's right, your eternal resting place will in all likelihood be created for you by an inanimate object that will never need to use the same product.

The phrase "robots making coffins" is about the scariest indicator of the future of the human race that I have yet encountered. (Just like in The Matrix!) Yet there is one ray of hope: since they don't use the products themselves, at least those robots need humans for long-term job security. (Just like in The Matrix!)

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Apparently, in Captain America, Volume 5 (!), #25, released this past Wednesday, Captain America was killed.

The reported death of the good Captain doesn't bother me. Many a hero has survived apparent death, and Captain America has gone through this trauma before. He has been presumed dead on several previous occasions. (I mean, he never really knows how long he'll have to live anyway, right?) I certainly know that if he sells comic books, he'll be back. After all, note that he was killed in Captain America, Volume 5! That means that he has had 4 previously cancelled versions of his own title. (And this volume will make 5.)

No, what bothers me about the death of Captain America is how, suddenly, this represents news. Cap's recent behavior and death are being spun by both sides of the political spectrum as relevant. Suddenly, Captain America's death is politically important.

The LA Times calls Cap's death a sign of "America's current distemper" with the war in Iraq. The Washington Post views Cap's shifts in temperament and goals as a cultural looking-glass in a "battle for American ideals." Fox News' "Fox & Friends" declared that Marvel's decision to kill Captain America was a sign of weakness for terrorists to capitalize on. ("You should not kill Captain America when we're at war.") Comedy Central's "The Colbert Report" used Cap's death as a typically sarcastic attack on the government abdication of individuals' rights. ("Fighting to protect civil liberties like free speech and privacy isn't just quaint; it's dangerous. That's what killed Captain America.")

I'm a touch more cynical. Captain America was killed to sell comic books. And, of course, to stir hype for the Captain America movie expected in 2009.

Will the Death of Captain America be the Murphy Brown's Baby of the 2008 election? We could only be so lucky.

(By the way, Marvel: if Winter Soldier becomes the new Captain America, I'll never buy another one of your books ever again. Wait, that's not fair. I'll probably never buy one of your books again anyway, so do whatever you want.)

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The past week has seen three of the most interesting news stories I've ever read.

1. Guerilla advertising in 10 major US cities generated a bomb scare after they had been in place for several days. Did no one notice them before, or did that one person, out of touch with the product advertised, manage to mobilize the entire country against one innocuous advertiser? The ensuing hoopla is the best thing that could have happened for the advertised product, and it only costs Turner Broadcasting $2 million to the involved city governments, less than the cost of a 30-second Super Bowl ad. Is there any chance that the person who started the bomb scare was a Turner employee?
2. A NASA astronaut attempted to torture another woman in order to scare her away from the male astronaut with whom both women were romantically involved. Mind you, she passed NASA screening and qualified to fly in space. Space Cowboys plus Fatal Attraction: someone call Warner Brothers and tell them to get their lawyers working on readying this story for the big screen!
3. An Italian police officer was killed in a riot outside a soccer game, resulting in Italy's decision to close a majority of its premier league soccer games to the public while stadia security is improved. Note that the spectator sport for mass entertainment will continue to be played, but spectators will be prohibited. Italy's solution to rioting after games is to remove the fans from the game, but hold the game anyway. At least they won't need police officers at the stadia anymore. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: stay away from Italy.

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Once upon a time I was told that more people died on Mondays than any other day of the week. I also have heard that more people die during the Christmas season than any other time of the year. Since Christmas falls on a Monday this year, does that mean that there will be an exceptional number of fatalities this December 25? (2006: The Christmas of Death!)

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