While watching the University of Georgia football team struggle in the first half of Saturday's season opener, it crossed my mind that maybe they were playing poorly because I had forgotten to wear my usual red gameday underwear. I immediately dismissed the thought because it is crazy.

There is nothing I, as a distant observer, might do on my sofa that could possibly affect the outcome of a football game in progress being played hundreds of miles away. There's even less my underwear could do about it. If it could, that would mean that there are intangible, undetectable threads connecting my very being to the game like the strings on a marionette. That's the stuff of superstition and religion. Like I said, crazy.

Of course, it's a seductive kind of crazy. It's easy to think that the world revolves around me, that I'm an integral piece of the cosmos, that my behavior and desires are strong enough to change the outcome of distant events. There are certainly narcissistic people — well known people, powerful people, *presidential* people — who think this. Those people are crazy.

Even if the energy that makes up the sentient being that calls itself Walter Stephens is indeed intertwined with the background radiation of the cosmos in significant ways (and that's a pretty big "if"), it's ridiculous to think that my energy is more relevant to the outcome of a football than the physical/mental energy expended by the 22 people playing it. My wants and desires will never be stronger than a motivated linebacker who has sacrificed significant portions of his life on the way to his goal of being able to charge through offensive linemen so that he can hug quarterbacks. That guy's crazier than I could ever be.

So, just because A) I'm not wearing red underwear, and B) the Bulldogs are playing poorly, those two things don't have to have a causal relationship just because I want them to. It's that sort of magical thinking that gets people in trouble. If you're one of those people, well, you know what you are.

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Here at the year's end, I took a look back at the five days that got the most hits over the past year.

5. June 18: Superman underwear
In which I make fun of briefs of steel.

4. December 4: Portable poo
Another in my series of not-award winning posts about the shit emoji (which celebrated its 10th anniversary in 2018, by the way).

3. August 1: Marriage is for the birds
Hawkman reveals the truth about what women think about marriage.

2. April 12: Jimmy Walker, dynamite golfer
An archive of how helpful Google was following Patrick Reed's win at the 2018 Masters.

1. September 17: Just another list of movies watched in August
Uh, a list of movie reviews. (Seriously, I don't have any idea what part of that list attracted the attention. My review of Moonlight, perhaps? No idea.)

And while we're on the subject, I should mention that the 5 most triggered keywords are:

5. movies
Everyone needs my opinion.

4. action comics
I have 155 "superman" posts, but only one "action comics". Go figure.

3. spandex
A perennial favorite!

2. georgia
It's always on my mind, too.

1. poodle strip
What can I say? My readers have good taste.

Anyway, we now wipe our hands of 2018 and look forward to 2019, the year of the future!

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Sadly, these shorts were sold out by the time I spotted them on DHGate.com* at the bargain prices of $2.68 (with free shipping!):

*DHGate, for those of you who don't live on the Internet, is an online marketplace like Amazon.com for Chinese manufacturers seeking to unload surplus goods to resellers. This is where sweatshops sell their knockoff shoes after they've fulfilled their orders for Ivanka Trump. For example, compare these shorts with the $14.99 pair you'll find from SuperHeroStuff on Amazon.com.

And while I do want to wear Superman's shorts, I post this pic mainly because of the delightful Engrish catalog text.

CUSTUMES INSIDE TO WEAR
Give you the most suitable underwear, wear make you confidence. I
of you in the other half of the face, not inferior, to give you strength to master everything.

It takes a Superman to understand what that is trying to say.

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There's only one more week remaining in this godforsaken presidential election, and still no one has answered the single most important question of our times: do the candidates wear boxers or briefs?

I'm of the MTV generation, and I recall when Bill Clinton was asked the question. His answer was "Usually briefs." Bernie Sanders said the same thing when Ellen asked him last year. But what about Trump? Or Hillary?

Personally, I used to wear standard white briefs until one evening in 1993, when an icebreaker at my coed freshman dorm had everyone trade underwear and mingle until we had all recovered our own. While everyone else revealed a pair of boxers or silk panties, my only option was a pair of tighty-whities. My underwear was very, very easy to recover. At least my name wasn't written in them.

You can imagine my humiliation. I spent the rest of the mixer sitting alone on a bench holding some stranger's underwear in the air. Scarred by that experience, I naturally changed my underwear preference. Now I only wear colored briefs. (The pair I'm wearing right now are navy blue.)

Based on my experience, I know that what you wear under your clothes says a lot about you. That's why it's so important to see what our presidential candidates are wearing. Trump, Hillary, it's time to drop your pants. It's a matter of national security.

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What is this "Star Wars" I keep hearing about?

I see advertisements for "Star Wars" batteries from Duracell, "Star Wars" jewelry from Kay, "Star Wars" makeup from Covergirl, and "Star Wars" telephone coverage from Verizon. What the hell is "Star Wars" telephone coverage?

Could all this "Star Wars" nonsense happen to have anything to do with a movie coming out in December? A movie so greatly anticipated that it had shattered ticket pre-sales a month before its release date? A movie franchise so valuable that Disney paid four billion-with-a-"b" dollars for the rights to make more? Does the public really have no saturation point for this film franchise?

Hey, I was a kid once, and I liked Star Wars. I really wanted Star Wars toys so I could re-enact my favorite scenes. I don't recall ever wanting "Star Wars" Campbell's Soup or "Star Wars" Coffee Mate or "Star Wars" Trojans that glow in the dark like a stubby little lightsaber.

I'm left wondering if there is anything that Disney won't license the "Star Wars" name to? I looked. Pepsi, Kraft Macaroni & Cheese, Jelly Belly, Duck Tape. Guitars, underwear, furniture, waffle irons. About the only thing I couldn't find were official Star Wars-licensed condoms (although some clever marketers are exploiting this oversight).I guess Disney has to withhold something for the inevitable sequels.

Thank the maker.

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June is Superman Month at Wriphe.com!

And what good timing it is this year, as June will see the relaunch of the DC Comics line. Again!

See, in the just completed Convergence, the DC Multiverse destroyed 30 years ago in Crisis on Infinite Earths was restored off-panel at the story's climax with the help of Superman's foe Brainiac. If that sentence sounded like gibberish to you, congratulations. Only DC Comics doesn't seem to recognize that.

So this is the new Superman? In the All-New, All-Different DC Universe of 2015, Superman now dresses like I do! (Minus the blood. Plus about 200 pounds of muscle.)

I know I bitch a lot about a lot of things, but I really want my super heroes to dress the part. It doesn't necessarily have to be spandex (although I do like my skin-tight costumes), but that is not a costume. It's an endcap at Hot Topic.

Oh well. I haven't bought a Superman comic since the New 52 reboot. No reason to start now. There are plenty of other places to get my Superman fix where he doesn't look like a total tool. All I ask is for some bright inspiring colors, like you see in movies.

Really? Who knew that Kryptonians had the muted color vision of dogs? Well, uh, I'm sure I can find Superman in costume in video games, where Superman can demonstrate his impossible powers unfettered by wires and expensive visual effects.

What the hell is this? Iron Man? Since when did Superman need armored abs, damn it!

Fine. America, you can keep your Roid Rage Superman. If you need me, I'll be reading my 1989 copies of Action Comics Weekly in the basement. At least that Superman had the good sense to wear his underwear on the outside.

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From a blog post at DC Comics.com:

On August 25th, the full line of DC Comics dog products by Fetch...for pets! and Warner Bros. Consumer Products will be flying into Petco specialty stores nationwide. If you're looking for super hero toys or apparel for your dog, there's sure to be something in the collection that pleases all DC fans in your household...both human and canine!

I don't want to be the pooper at this party, but how large could the market "looking for super hero toys or apparel for your dog" be? Do I want my dogs to wear Superman's red underwear or Wonder Woman's bustier? I'm sure that my dogs don't want to wear that. Even DC's model doesn't look too happy about this situation:

Keep your chin up, buddy. At least they don't have you dressed like Catwoman. Oh, the humanity.

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I just realized that the shorts I've been walking around in all day have a giant hole in the crotch. Should I be embarrassed? On one hand, I walked out of my house with my underwear exposed to the public. On the other hand, no one pointed out my error, so I'm assuming that no one noticed. Or did no one point out that my underwear was showing because it would be too embarrassing to them to admit that they were looking at my crotch?

Hmmm. Maybe I'm over-thinking it.

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For the first time in 73 years, DC is planning a major overhaul to Superman's costume. Say goodbye to the red underwear and hello to knee pads. Apparently, new-look Superman will be spending a lot of time kneeling before Zod.

The reason for this change isn't entirely clear. DC says it's part of revamping their common storytelling universe to expand their market into the digital realm of the 21st century. This doesn't ring entirely truthful. A business maxim says that it is more expensive to gain new customers than it is to maintain the customers you have. If DC knew what it was doing -- which hasn't been proven -- you'd assume that it would make and effort to avoid alienating long-time fans who have been buying Superman comics and merchandise for years to the tune of half-a-billion dollars annually. Therefore, it seems that there is some other reason for the change. What could it be?

It is possible that this is a mere publicity stunt. Another business maxim says that any press, even bad press, is good press. And this change is definitely getting DC some press. DC has gotten some mileage in recent years by giving Superman long hair, a changed logo, and a black costume. Those were all temporary changes lasting just a few months. Maybe this is more of the same.

However, it seems likely that a major, unspoken reason for this change could be the ongoing court case against the heirs of Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster, the creators of Superman. In recent years, courts have awarded the heirs the rights to portions of Superman's appearance, origins, powers, and adventures. This change could be an effort to stake a new claim to Superman, clearly differentiating him from the Superman of the 1930s by divorcing him from his familiar look and continuity.

Whatever the reason, DC is probably unwise to risk damaging the Superman that lays golden eggs. The last thing they need is for consumers worldwide to look at a bunch of action figures, coffee mugs, and t-shirts and ask, "is that supposed to be Superman?"

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Six days ago, I insinuated that anyone who wore a pair of those "Man of Steel" briefs must frequent hookers. One of my readers took umbrage with my statement and sent me the following image as proof:

I stand by my statement.

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