In 1977, my father took me to see Star Wars after he had already seen it once. He loved it and wanted me to love it too. I don't remember anything about that experience. I was only 2. However, we did have a VCR — it was huge with faux wood paneling — and I would watch the movie over and over and over again in the years following. We also recorded and rewatched the infamous Holiday Special.

In 1981, my father took me to see Empire Strikes Back in a theater after it had been playing a few weeks. I can't tell you exactly where. All I remember was that it had red walls in the lobby. Though at the time I was disappointed by the cliffhanger ending, I wasn't disappointed enough not to love all the cool new toys. Not long afterwards, my brother accidentally decapitated my original black-vested Han Solo figure, and my parents replaced him with a Han in Hoth gear. What a downgrade. (I retaliated by running over Trey's sensorscope R2-D2 with my bicycle.)

In 1983, my friend Greg Owens saw Return of the Jedi before I did. He complained the movie had too many purple-lipped talking dogs in it. Their catchphrase, Greg said, was "Eat your momma." When I finally saw it (again with my family, again theater unknown though probably in Stone Mountain, GA), his review was borne out. By Christmas, I had all the available Ewok action figures and a Wicket doll.

In 1999, I saw The Phantom Menace at the new Hollywood 24 theater in Atlanta with friends. The movie was fine enough — in fact I think I continue to like it more than many — but I was disappointed by how many people I spoke to seemed to love it for what they put into it, not what it was. Darth Maul, like Boba Fett before him, particularly irked me. Fans decided he was cool because he looked cool. Their love was for a thing they had created in their heads, not a character that had appeared on screen. This realization that fans loved the franchise not for what it was but for what they wanted it to be was the beginning of the end of my love affair with Star Wars. I have a hard time associating with people who worship style over substance.

In 2002, I watched Attack of the Clones at the United Artists Scottsdale Pavilions theater in Arizona with my brother. We both agreed the movie was terrible. Bad acting, worse writing. Between the forced romance and that CGI Artoo video game sequence, this film is almost unwatchable. I distinctly remember saying that the only reason anyone should pay money to see such a thing was to get out of the desert sun.

In 2005, I have no memory of watching Revenge of the Sith. My friend Keith has told me he remembers my laughter at the final reveal of Darth Vader, so I assume I watched it in Atlanta, presumably back at the Hollywood 24. It was awful. How could any so-called fans of the older Star Wars films still love this franchise after old Ben Kenobi was revealed as the kind of man who turned his back on his friends and his responsibilities, "master" Yoda was an isolationist failure, or Vader himself was a tantrum-throwing idiot? Weren't these supposed to be kids movies? Yuck! If this was the Star Wars Universe, I wanted no more part of it.

In 2015, I watched The Force Awakens at some theater on the north side of Atlanta with reserved seating in recliners that kept my feet from touching the ground. I didn't want to see it, but I'd made the mistake of saying I'd watch it if they found a way to bring Han Solo back. They did. I watched. I found it an insulting exercise in nostalgia. (Hey, guys, let's forget all that prequel nonsense. Remember what you liked about Star Wars? Here it is again!) It's now the highest grossing film of all time.

In 2016, I watched Rogue One at Regal Cinemas 11 in Panama City, Florida. It was my father's birthday present. It was a bad present. The movie was yet another excuse for brand reinforcement, a short story intended to fill gaps in the original Star Wars backstory with stereotypical yet well-costumed characters that would make good action figures.

In 2017, Disney released The Last Jedi. A new one already? As if I wasn't burnt out enough. I hear it's different. I hear this one will change everything I've ever thought about Star Wars. I feel like I've heard that before. Maybe I'll see it one day when it comes on television. Maybe. I'm not in any hurry anymore.

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Look at that beautiful plastic nightmare from the Sears, Roebuck and Co. Christmas 1966 catalog:

All that good shit for under $6? I was born a decade too late!

Hmm. Accounting for inflation, six 1966 dollars are worth forty-four 2016 dollars. I wonder how much that thing would sell for today?

A copy of the instructions costs $9? Damn, nostalgia is expensive.

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Maybe because the United States government has devolved to a Marx Brothers comedy, it seems I've been watching more movies in 2017. Frankly, I think we can all use the distraction.

15. (1074.) Cannery Row (1982)
I'm no fan of Nick Nolte, but I still enjoyed his take on the stereotypical genius-hiding-from-the-terror-he-created. Even better was Debra Winger in the stereotypical part of the prostitute-with-a-heart-of-gold. And keep your eyes peeled for the well-intentioned-but-dangerous-giant-retard! This feels too lighthearted to be an adaptation of a Steinbeck novel, but I still enjoyed it.

16. (1075.) A Million Ways to Die in the West (2014)
Seth MacFarlane has built a cottage industry on a very particular style of non sequitur nostalgia comedy. He tones it down a bit in this live-action western that strives to be a 21st-century Blazing Saddles. What can I say? I laughed.

17. (1076.) Brute Force (1947)
Burt Lancaster leads a prison break in this incredibly violent (but well named) film. It's a slow build, but totally worth it.

18. (1077.) Snowden (2016)
Mom said, "Let's see Snowden." I said, "I don't like Oliver Stone films." She said, "Tough." So we watched Snowden. It does go a bit too far out of its own way to deify the guy, but otherwise does a pretty good job of explaining what he did and why he felt it was necessary to do it. Why are men like Snowden treated like traitors while men like Trump are elected president?

19. (1078.) Storks (2016)
Mom said, "Let's see Storks." I said, "Sure." Now I know where babies come from. Thanks for nothing, 6th grade sex education class!

More to come.

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The final tally of movies watched in January was 14. I've already given you the first batch of 6 (including La La Land — have I mentioned La La Land?). So here are the remaining 8.

7. (1066.) Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
I really don't understand why people like this movie. Yes, it's patterned after a World War II movie, but few of the "sci-fi" elements (by which I mean fantasy elements with electrical power) or enemy motivations make any sense. Worse, no time is spent on character development. (I swear, some of the characters exist just to sell toys.) Everyone seeing this already knows who wins, so when people start dying, as they must, THERE IS NO REASON TO CARE. If you don't just love all things Star Wars — because, I don't know, nostalgia? — avoid this exercise in fanwankery.

8. (1067.) My Favorite Brunette (1947)
Friend Otto called me an artless heathen because I mentioned that I don't like Bob Hope movies, so he insisted that I watch this. It's cute. I can definitely say that it's the best Bob Hope movie I've ever seen (but that's a pretty low bar).

9. (1068.) American Gigolo (1980)
This film, cut from the same cloth as Basic Instinct, looks and sounds like Miami Vice. No wonder Richard Gere only plays prostitutes or johns. He's good at it.

10. (1069.) Here Comes the Groom (1951)
Bing Crosby stars in a Frank Capra musical! If your idea of romance is hitting a woman over the head with a club and dragging her back to your cave as you whistle Johnny Mercer tunes, this movie is for you!

11. (1070.) Too Hot to Handle (1938)
Another "love" story that shows its age as Myrna Loy's career is destroyed and saved by A Number 1 sleazeball Clark Gable (and B Number 2 sleazeball Walter Pidgeon).

12. (1071.) When Ladies Meet (1933)
Myrna Loy has a heart-to-heart with her lover's wife. The dialog is pretty darn good. I liked it.

13. (1072.) The Barbarian (1933)
Rich fiancee takes a trip to Egypt where she is kidnapped by a prince posing as a peasant. She refuses his love and escapes back to her fiance. Then, at the wedding, she pledges her love to the prince. "Stockholm Syndrome" wouldn't be named for another forty years, but it could have been called "Barbarian Syndrome." Myrna Loy is beautiful, but this is not her best work.

14. (1073.) Midnight Lace (1960)
Doris Day plays a role that should have gone to Grace Kelly in this would-be Hitchcockian thriller. I found it predictable, but the suspense was still top rate.

More to come.

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Movies are off to a good start in 2017! (I'm trying extra hard to escape from reality these days.)

1. (1060.) King Solomon's Mines (1950)
The character of Alan Quatermain is famous as the stereotype of the colonial era European huntsman in Darkest Africa. I thought Stewart Granger was quite good. His female lead, played by Deborah Kerr, however, was treated with less sympathy than the natives, and her post-haircut scene is laugh-out-loud ridiculous. Ah, Golden Age Hollywood.

2. (1061.) Donnie Brasco (1997)
Remember when Johnny Depp was a good actor? I still don't like "mob" movies because they always always always glorify crime, but I found Al Pacino's depiction of a lesser, wannabe wiseguy very enjoyable.

3. (1062.) Spaceflight IC-1: An Adventure in Space (1965)
As much as I love '50s sci-fi, this felt more like a pilot for a television series than a standalone film. Its premise — a mutiny on a deep space colony mission organized by a tyrannical government — would make for a pretty good movie in 2017.

4. (1063.) Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice (1969)
Honestly, all art should be judged in context of its time, and movies are no different. B&C&T&A is very much a movie for the straight-laced upper middle classes struggling to understand the Summer of Love. I found it incredibly tame (and boring) by 2017 standards. Like Easy Rider, this one is probably best left to film historians and nostalgia buffs.

5. (1064.) La La Land (2016)
I usually leave movies I've covered elsewhere out of these lists, but damn, I loved this movie. I loved it, I loved it, I loved it. Am I gushing? Is this what gushing feels like? I loved it! (I bought the soundtrack CD and now I sing all of Ryan Gosling's lines and listen to Emma Stone sing back to me. Is that weird? It doesn't feel weird.)

6. (1065.) Broadway Bill (1934)
Ok, so to recap, I don't like gangster movies, but I watched Donnie Brasco anyway. I don't like Natalie Wood movies, but I watched Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice anyway. And I don't like Frank Capra movies, but I watched Broadway Bill anyway. I'd say that I must be a masochist, but I only watched this to see more Myrna Loy. It was worth it. (I'd let Myrna Loy sing to me, too.)

More to come.

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This is the final batch of movies watched in October.

91. (1029.) Jezebel (1938)
Geez, 1930s Hollywood was obsessed with the Antebellum South. This story is more than superficially similar to 1939's Gone with the Wind and, quite frankly, better. I still don't know if I'd say I liked it, but given that I can't stand Gone with the Wind, I think I'll consider this a win.

92. (1030.) The Gumball Rally (1976)
Geez, 1970s Hollywood was obsessed with illegal automobile races. This is essentially the same movie as Cannonball Run. I can't say it's better, but it's still plenty entertaining. I liked it, especially Raul Julia's performance.

93. (1031.) The Rock-afire Explosion (2008)
If you're about my age, you probably remember ShowBiz Pizza. It was the original Chuck E. Cheese competitor that featured an animatronic animal band, the (unintentionally creepy) Rock-afire Explosion. This movie is a documentary about the robotic band's creator and die-hard fans. The film wants to be hopeful, but underneath the candy coating of sweet optimism lies a rotten core of bitter tragedy. I recommend this cautionary tale of nostalgia run amok to anyone who remembers peeking under the curtain to see Billy Bob looking back.

94. (1032.) The Frisco Kid (1979)
Harrison Ford and Gene Wilder play an odd couple in the American West. It's kind of like Shanghai Noon, except neither character is all that competent. For whatever other flaws it has (pacing is a bit of a problem as it starts slow), it's worth watching to see Han Solo in the Wild West.

More to come.

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What movies am I describing?

Movie 1: A rebel spy sneaks secret plans into a droid just before the evil jedi storms in and takes the spy captive. The droid escapes and flees into the desert where an orphan with dreams of a bigger world finds it. The orphan enlists the aid of a fossilized former warrior now in hiding from the fighting between good and evil that rages throughout the galaxy. The old warrior leads the orphan to Anakin Skywalker's lightsaber. Stormtroopers attack, forcing the mentor and the other occupants of the Millennium Falcon on an ill-planned rescue attempt of the enemy stronghold. The mentor dies, killed by the evil jedi in a self-sacrificing attempt to make a larger point. The other heroes survive to participate in attacking the enemy's planet-sized, planet-destroying super weapon, an action only possible because of the information they had secreted out from under the enemy's nose. In a daring display of piloting skill, a lone x-wing fighter pilot makes it through the defending trench and blows up the enemy weapon, saving the galaxy.

Movie 2: Stormtroopers attack en masse, and the heroes are separated into the far reaches of space. A talented but untrained child has a dark vision before meeting a jedi and being introduced to the true power of the Force. Before the training can be completed, dire circumstances (and a painful interrogation instigated by the evil dark jedi) force the child to flee. In an attempt to save his family, a father and son engage in a lightsaber duel to the death on a bridge over a bottomless pit. The good guy loses the fight. Failing to stop the evil jedi leaves one hero near death, and another departs with Chewbacca in the Millennium Falcon to find her missing loved one.

Movie 3: After Han Solo is rescued from a battle in a smuggler's den, he is reunited with his lover. Their time together is cut short as the evil empire has built yet another giant laser the size of a planet. The few rebels remaining have no choice but to engage in a direct assault (despite Admiral Ackbar's misgivings), but for the plan to work, Solo has to lead a team into the forest to shut down the weapon's protective shielding. The enemy is prepared for the attack, and the dark jedi engages in a lightsaber duel in an attempt to turn the upstart young jedi to the dark side of the force. Once again the light side of the force proves to be the stronger. Meanwhile, a team of pilots fly inside the superweapon and blow it up from the inside, saving the galaxy.

Sound familiar? They're all the same movie.

189. (936.) Star Wars: The Force Awakens (2015)

Star Wars worked — and still works — largely because Lucas took pieces of other (generally better) films and adventure stories and put them in a new, sci-fi setting. The Force Awakens fails because the only movies it steals from are all Star Wars. Sadly, the Franchise that Lucas Built has become nothing more than a marketing machine, a blender of nostalgia designed not to entertain or inspire, but to please focus groups and sell action figures to adults.

It's still better than the prequels, but that's a pretty low bar.

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Samsung has something they think you should see: an "Ultra High Definition" curved television. And their new commercial ("The Curve Changes Everything") has a boat-load of celebrities selling the pitch.

View on Vimeo

Maybe Samsung thinks most of us haven't seen all those movies — some of them are more than 10 years old! — but I don't think that those clips mean what Samsung thinks they mean. Here, I'll explain the clips in the order they appear:

1. Clueless: The two characters are excited to see their scheme to romantically couple their teachers working, a scheme intended to improve their grades. Samsung, it's probably a bad idea to remind viewers that you are trying to manipulate us right out of the gate.
2. Jurassic Park: Sam Neil is taking off his glasses because he cannot believe what he is seeing. What he is seeing is a dinosaur. Is this new television is just more of the same old thing?
3. The Island: The scientist is discussing a clone's ability to grow. This would be a good message if that was what the scientists wanted. Samsung is saying, "This TV is not going to do what you want it to do!" (Disclaimer: this is the only clip I didn't recognize on sight. As a rule, I try to avoid Michael Bay movies.)
4. The Fly: The movie opens with these lines, and Jeff Goldblum goes on to use cutting-edge technology to turn himself into a monster. Samsung is saying, "This TV is really not going to do what you want it to do!" (See? I didn't need to waste my time with The Island!)
5. Trouble with the Curve: The movie's title alone should be a reason to avoid this clip, but Amy Adams' dialogue is calling out someone who literally has trouble with a curve.
6. Back to the Future: Doc is shown saying "Do you know what this means?" The very next line is "It means that this damn thing doesn't work at all!" (I can't be the only person in America who has most of this movie memorized.)
7. Tommy Boy: Chris Farley is referencing David Spade's character Richard, a snide jerk who no one likes. Read: only jerks know about Samsung televisions.
8. Cosmos: This isn't from a movie but a television show. Carl Sagan is discussing how Eratosthenes proved the Earth was round — because bigger curves produced bigger shadows. Granted, you don't need to know the history of astronomy to know that a curved television isn't useful to anyone who isn't sitting directly in front of it.
9. Dumb and Dumber: Finally, an appropriate clip! Jim Carrey's character is talking about falling in love. Beautiful, unrequited love. It might be more convincing if his character wasn't an idiot.
10. Jaws: First, Sam Neil sees a dinosaur. Now Roy Scheider witnesses a shark attack. Is this television dangerous?
11. Turbo: Another appropriate clip! "Juicy" may not be the best adjective for an electronic appliance, but the sentiment is right.
12. Lebron James: "Unbelievable!" says Marv Albert in this, the most fitting clip in the entire commercial. (I would not be surprised if the Heat went on to lose this game.)
13. Gravity: Next George Clooney asks what Sandra Bullock likes, and she says "the silence." Not a good endorsement for the television's sound system.
14. Screaming Goat: Internet videos? Because you need a $40K television to watch YouTube videos?
15. Godzilla: In theaters now! Another case of a monster created by technology. This is the fourth cautionary "technology will kill us all" clip in this commercial for an advanced technology. What, couldn't they find any soundbites to use from Terminator or Colossus: The Forbin Project?
16. Zoolander: Beware, Will Ferrell's Mustafa is a man who thinks trash is beautiful.
17. Field of Dreams: Sure, it's a great line, but it's a reference to nostalgia for an era that predated television. The line is weirdly out of place in a promotion for the future of televisions.

There's a 30-second cut of the same commercial, and it's much worse, eliminating all of the appropriate clips and keeping the ones they think people will recognize. Yeah, maybe I watch too many movies. But after seeing those commercials, I don't think that Samsung is really trying to reach people who watch movies.

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While I've been lately filling this blog with movies that I've watched for the first time, that doesn't mean that I don't watch movies that I've previously seen. For example, this past weekend, I re-watched 3 movies.

Even though I'm a snob, not everything I watch is highbrow. Take, for example, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I doubt that I've seen this movie in more than 20 years, although my brother owned both the video cassette and soundtrack. To be honest, I cannot remember liking this movie when it was new, watching it in a theater in Lithonia, GA. Re-watching the other day brought back mostly bad memories of my high school years. Nineteen-ninety was not a good year for me.

TMNT was clearly intended to be a kids' movie — it represents "big, dumb summer action" at its worst, and the soundtrack is so dated it ought to be wearing Hammer pants — but the puppetry is still captivating, especially when you think that these days there is NO WAY that a studio would do the turtles in anything other than CGI. While I suspect that next summer's remake will look better, I doubt it will have half as much heart. It seems to me that the remake is missing an opportunity if it doesn't find a way to include Sam Rockwell, who I was flabbergasted to see had a speaking part in the original.

Everyone who knows me knows that occasionally I open my mouth when I should really know better. In 1996, I vociferously complained that there was no way that a movie about a talking pig could be worth a Best Picture Oscar nomination. My girlfriend at the time told me I should withhold my opinion about Babe until I had seen it, so we watched it on limited re-released at the now-defunct Lefont Toco Hills Theater. I was wrong; Babe is a timeless classic. She was right about a lot of things. That's probably why I broke up with her.

(Not every movie decision she made was right, though. She realized that she had made a mistake talking me into seeing Nine Months. There is a scene in that movie in which commitment-phobe Hugh Grant fantasizes that Julianne Moore has become a giant praying mantis who plans to eat him after coitus. Upon seeing that, I swore off sex, and that proved to be a bit of a problem for her.)

I was channel surfing after lunch and caught the beginning of Grosse Point Blank, so I went ahead watched it. I have no memory of the first time I saw this film; I suspect that it was watched at the AMC North Dekalb Mall 16, which was the theater my friends and I attended the most often around that time. (Side note: I applied to be one of the inaugural employees when they were constructing that theater and was hired, but I didn't make it through training. As I recall, the management team didn't quite have its act together yet, and I decided that I didn't want to wait for them to figure it out because I needed a paycheck asap. I went to work selling calendars for the bookstore inside the mall instead.)

About the time that John Cusack's character screws up the courage to approach Minnie Driver for the first time in 10 years, Mom came into the room. We discovered that we both liked the movie but for different reasons. I liked the comedy and action, mom liked the nostalgia and romance. I credit this multifaceted awesomeness for the film's enduring popularity. It probably remains my favorite John Cusack film (although I do love One Crazy Summer). It's definitely my favorite Joan Cusack film.

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The final 8 movies watched in February, making a total of 28! I strongly doubt I will approach one movie a day in any other month this year.

33. (340.) Hot Tub Time Machine (2010)
I would've expected a film that featured John Cusack and Chevy Chase to be more accurate in depicting the atmosphere of the 1980s than this. Considering that we are more than 2 decades removed from the era, I should expect modern media to remember only the most caricatured aspects of the decade as found parodied in a modern Nickelodean teen sitcom. I did enjoy watching this film, but its false nostalgia was less satisfying than I think it was meant to be.

34. (341.) The Stunt Man (1980)
Great movie. The opening of the movie, as the criminal runs from the cops through the woods and stumbles into a movie set of a WWI war movie shooting on a beach in modern California, is a tremendously enjoyable entrance into the openly referenced Through the Looking Glass Hollywood fantasy-world in which the movie takes place. I loved it.

35. (342.) Ocean's Thirteen (2007)
For what it's worth, this is superior in all ways to Ocean's Twelve.

36. (343.) Safe House (2012)
An action/thriller spy movie with the genre-standard who-can-you-trust plot twist and entirely unnecessary Bourne Identity-emulating unsteady-cam. It's all right if you're in for that sort of thing, but it's really not very deep.

37. (344.) The Broadway Melody (1929)
Also not deep is this cliche-ridden musical. This, the first talkie to win Best Picture, has one greatly redeeming number, "Wedding of the Painted Doll," which stands up well over time. More amusing is the fact that the more attractive of the two female leads is the one that the movie treats as comparatively ugly (Bessie Love). Go figure.

38. (345.) Drumline (2002)
Shallower and shallower. Stop me if you've heard this one: very talented boy learns what it takes to make it in the cutthroat of competitive college sports. That in this case the sport happens to be "marching band" is the closest that this film deviates from this well-worn movie cliche.

39. (346.) Out Cold (2001)
A comedy of the same sub-genre as Hot Tub Time Machine, which we may as well call "Meatballs on ice." I did much enjoy Lee Majors as the Snidely Whiplash of the picture.

40. (347.) The Great Ziegfeld (1936)
The bio-pic is a genre that I have greatly mixed emotions about. What's the point of learning about someone's life in the most inaccurate way possible? I will say that the film inspired me to look up some more factual history of Ziegfeld and his cast, which I wouldn't have done otherwise. I've come to like William Powell, and his snappy delivery of some clever dialogue — did Flo Ziegfeld really say any of these things? — and his interactions with Frank Morgan gave me plenty to watch between the elaborately staged musical numbers. (Added bonus: Ziegfeld's second wife is played by Myrna Loy!)

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