"The deportations will continue until morale improves."

According to multiple generally-trustworthy news sources, that was the response that a spokesman for the Governor of Florida gave today concerning a court order that the state's immigrant detention camp in the Everglades must be closed within 60 days.

Variations of the common quip "The beatings will continue until morale improves" have existed since at least Voltaire wrote Candide in the 18th century. The sentiment is always meant satirically, as (surprise, surprise) beatings will always have the opposite effect of improving morale.

So the question becomes: did the spokesman intend his comment satirically? Is he a subversive in the unwitting Governor's employ? Does the governor want Floridians to have bad morale? Or did he read Candide and decide, like Pangloss, that we really do live in the best of all possible worlds? I think it's most likely that the spokesman only knows the phrase from ironic t-shirts. Which is a shame, as Candide is very, very good.

In any event, if the job of a spokesman is to communicate ideas with clarity, this person is bad at his job. But I suppose that if being good at your job was a requirement for governments, they would definitely be much, much smaller.

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My passport was set to expire before the end of the year, so I just requested a new one online. Just in time, too, as I may need to escape the US. From what I hear in the news, crime has run amok in DC; apparently over 1,500 convicted criminals who stormed the Capitol on January 6 are currently on the loose.

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I was much an enemy to monarchy before I came to Europe. I am ten thousand times more so since I have seen what they are. There is scarcely an evil known in these countries which may not be traced to their king as it’s source, nor a good which is not derived from the small fibres of republicanism existing among them. I can further say with safety there is not a crowned head in Europe whose talents or merit would entitle him to be elected a vestryman by the people of any parish in America. However I shall hope that before there is danger of this change taking place in the office of President, the good sense and free spirit of our countrymen will make the changes necessary to prevent it.

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It's not uncommon these days to hear someone say that they wish comics today were apolitical like the comics of their youth. Well, I was 8 when DC Comics Presents #62 came out in 1983 (Reagan's America!), and the plot of that comic was that a group of neo-Nazis planned to destroy the Constitution of the United States, demoralizing American society until it collapsed inward to "Racial Hatred... Mob Violence" which the Nazis would then graciously offer to save us from... for the bargain price of our souls. Obviously, that story has absolutely no political message. Silly me.

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Superman #18, Sept/Oct 1942

Super-mansplaining.

In addition to its timeless cautionary tale about underestimating lying Nazi scum, Superman #18 also has a message for members of the Supermen of America Club. Using their Superman Secret Code card and "Code Mars No. 3" (which is an easily cracked simple Caesar cipher substitution where the offset is 3 letters to the left), club members learned "STRENTH, COURAGE, AND JUSTICE WILL SEE US THROUGH!" Democracies might be gullible, but at least no one can make us use spellcheck!

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The current federal administration has finally done something I agree with. They've stopped minting pennies.

For a long time, the buying power of one one-hundredth of a dollar hasn't stretched very far. Boomers might remember buying penny candy, but any Gen Xer will tell you that "12 cassettes for 1¢" sounded too good to be true even in the 1980s. (Nancy Reagan told us winners didn't do drugs, but she kept her trap shut about the predatory dangers of the recording industry.) There's not a lot of reason to carry around a penny when even vending machines spit them out.

The metal content of a penny is dictated by law,^[1] and although the Secretary of Treasury has some wiggle room to accommodate market forces^[2], as you might expect given their small practical value, it's now impossible to legally make a penny that costs less than what it's worth.^[3]

However, despite what The Wall Street Journal reported today,^[4] the penny isn't being legally "phased out." The U.S. Mint, a bureau of the executive branch's Department of the Treasury, has just decided it isn't going to make any more. At least at the present time. The current executive branch administration has proved it's nothing if not mercurial. Always emotion, the future is.

All those pennies the U.S. Mint has ever made?^[5] Yeah, they're still "legal tender for all debts";^[6] only Congress can really kill the penny.^[7] By law, pennies have to stay in circulation and remain legal tender until Congress says otherwise,^[8] and, as you may have noticed, Congress has had a hard time saying much of anything lately.

^[1]Source: Title 31 U.S. Code § 5112 Denominations, specifications, and design of coins. "[T]he one-cent coin is an alloy of 95 percent copper and 5 percent zinc;"

^[2] Also 31 USC § 5112: "(c) The Secretary may prescribe the weight and the composition of copper and zinc in the alloy of the one-cent coin that the Secretary decides are appropriate when the Secretary decides that a different weight and alloy of copper and zinc are necessary to ensure an adequate supply of one-cent coins to meet the needs of the United States."

^[3] U.S. Mint 2024 Annual Report, page 10, "MANAGEMENT’S DISCUSSION AND ANALYSIS (UNAUDITED)" : "The unit cost for pennies (3.69 cents) and nickels (13.78 cents) remained above face value for the 19th consecutive fiscal year."

^[4] Adedoyin, Oyin. "Treasury Sounds Death Knell for Penny Production." The Wall Street Journal May 22, 2025

^[5] Just how many pennies that is has been hard to determine. Many sources, like NBC and USA Today, are reporting 114 billion. Other sources, like Wake Forest economics department, estimates 250 billion. In either case, I think we have enough to last us a while.

^[6] Source: 31 USC § 5103 Legal Tender (1983)

^[7] Per Article 1 Section 8 Clause 5 of the United States Constitution (which, last time I checked, was still the law of the land, for whatever the law is worth these days), "[The Congress shall have Power] To coin Money, regulate the Value thereof, and of foreign Coin, and fix the Standard of Weights and Measures".

^[8]The last time Congress "phased out" a coin was the half-cent, in 1857. According to Wikipedia ("Penny debate in the United States"), the ½ cent coin in 1857 had the buying-power equivalent of "about 17 cents" in 2024 currency. On the other hand, if you had a 1857 Braided Hair Half Cent coin today, it would have a retail value upwards of $100, so you might not want to spend it on... well, what can you get for 17¢? Hmm. Maybe we should start phasing out nickels and dimes, too.

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I don't know what in specific I thought I was saving this for, so I'll just put this here:

*This is an actual quote. Though I have started repeating it in sad desperation at what now passes itself off as American government, Colbert said it largely in jest at the end of his "Meanwhile" rant on August 14, 2024, in response to a July 25, 2024, article in the Associated Press about the Ohio Supreme Court's 4-3 decision that deboned chicken wings advertised as "boneless" may still contain bones. Per the report, the majority ruled that "boneless" was a style of preparation not a guarantee, and consumers should have the common sense to consume them with due caution without dining establishments fearing lawsuits from choking victims. I tend to agree with the court here, but I can see the point of the three dissenting justices that Americans are probably much, much dumber than the court gives them credit for.

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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Jefferson Davis Memorial Highway Renamed

March 2025 — United States Highway 29 Jefferson Davis Memorial Highway will no longer be named in honor of the former president of the Confederate States of America.

Under the urging of the United Daughters of the Confederacy, the highway was formally established in Virginia in 1922 as the South's response to the prior creation of the transcontinental Lincoln Highway running from New York to San Francisco in 1913.

Though the highway was never fully completed across the country, stretches of the road under its original name can still be found in South Carolina, Georgia, Alabama, and Mississippi.

The new name of the highway will be the Jefferson Davis Memorial Highway, named in honor of the United States' 23rd Secretary of War. Jefferson Davis, a Mississippi native and West Point graduate, served from 1853 to 1857, during which time he championed the creation of America's first transcontinental railroad and was instrumental in the Gadsden Purchase, acquiring land from Mexico for his preferred route.

Now shut up about how racist government is.

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Young Men #1, December 1953

One thing we can all still agree on is that Hitler was evil, right? Right?

Goddamn it.

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'Tis but thy name that is my enemy;
Thou art thyself, though not a Montague.
What's Montague? It is nor hand, nor foot,
Nor arm, nor face, nor any other part
Belonging to a man. O, be some other name!
What's in a name? That which we call a rose,
By any other word would smell as sweet.

Shakespeare wrote those lines in 1597,^[1] by which time Greenland had been called "Greenland" for 611 years,^[2] which I mention only to give perspective to the following bill introduced this week into the United States Congress,^[3] itself founded 173 years after Shakespeare died.

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119th CONGRESS
1st Session
H. R. 1161

IN THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES
February 10, 2025

Mr. [Earl L. "Buddy"] Carter of Georgia introduced the following bill; which was referred to the Committee on Foreign Affairs, and in addition to the Committee on Natural Resources, for a period to be subsequently determined by the Speaker, in each case for consideration of such provisions as fall within the jurisdiction of the committee concerned

A BILL

To authorize the President to enter into negotiations to acquire Greenland and to rename Greenland as “Red, White, and Blueland”.

Be it enacted by the Senate and House of Representatives of the United States of America in Congress assembled,

SECTION 1. Short title.

This Act may be cited as the “Red, White, and Blueland Act of 2025”.

SEC. 2. Purchase or other acquisition of Greenland.

The President is authorized to enter into negotiations with the Government of Denmark to purchase or otherwise acquire Greenland.

SEC. 3. Renaming of Greenland as “Red, White, and Blueland”.

(a) Renaming.—Greenland shall be known as “Red, White, and Blueland”.

(b) References.—Any reference in a law, map, regulation, document, paper, or other record of the United States to Greenland shall be deemed to be a reference to “Red, White, and Blueland”.

(c) Implementation.—

(1) IN GENERAL.—The Secretary of the Interior, acting through the Chairman of the Board on Geographic Names, shall oversee the implementation of the renaming described in subsection (a) with respect to each Federal document and map.

(2) REQUIREMENT.—Not later than 180 days after the date of the enactment of this section, the head of each Federal agency shall update each document and map of the Federal agency in accordance with the renaming described in subsection (a).

---

I wish I could say that this bill is the dumbest thing we will see in 2025, but we all know better.^[4]

We are now living in a theater of the absurd. It's only a matter of time before someone actually makes their horse a senator.

Here's drink. I drink to thee.

^[1] Source: Romeo and Juliet, Act 2, Scene 2, lines 38-44. (You know, the balcony scene.)

^[2] "Grœnland" is the name given by tenth century Norse colonizers, but there is no record of what the previous inhabitants called it, and the current "natives" are actually newer settlers than the Vikings. At what point does the colonizer become the native? As an American who can trace my ancestry back to the American Revolution, I can only say that I don't know.

^[3] Source: www.congress.gov/bill/119th-congress/house-bill/1161/text

^[4] I mean, for one thing, a man convicted of 34 state felonies, found guilty of sexual abuse and defamation, and charged with fomenting rebellion against the federal government and stealing classified documents from the federal government has been sworn-in as president, and in just the past six weeks we've witnessed, in no particular order, the United States under his direction withdrawing from the World Health Organization; sanctioning the International Criminal Court; starting trade wars with Canada, Mexico, and Columbia; threatening Panama, Greenland, and Denmark; buying-out the contracts of an estimated 75,000 government employees without the funding to do so; ending the corruption prosecution of the mayor of New York City accused of taking bribes from Turkey; ordering the Army Corp of Engineers to fight future fires in Los Angeles by releasing water from California dams into streams that do not reach Los Angeles; blaming an airliner crash in Washington DC on handicapped people; re-renaming Mount McKinley and Fort Bragg; firing 17 Inspectors General in the Executive branch; pledging to permanently displace all Palestinians so that Gaza can be turned into "the Riviera of the Middle East"; banning Constitutionally-granted birthright citizenship; eradicating "anti-Christian bias in government" before demanding an apology from a bishop for suggesting the president show mercy to marginalized communities; ending the "weaponization of the federal government" by appointing a man with an enemies list of "conspirators" to be FBI Director, blocking all transgendered people from the military; ordering colleges to give medals to non-transgendered athletes; refusing to enforce the anti-bribery Foreign Corrupt Practices Act because its bad for business; selling meme coins; restarting Ronald Regan's Star Wars missile defense project; removing any reference to climate change from the Department of Agriculture; freezing Congress-allotted funding agencies including FEMA, USAID, EPA, CDC, NIH, CFPB, NOAA and others; axing any mention of "Diversity," "Equity," and "Inclusion" from government websites and databases (with sometimes hilarious results); ignoring election pledges to take action on inflated grocery prices; assuring Russia that Ukraine will never join NATO; replacing the board of the Kennedy Center with loyalists so that the president could be elected chair in order to stop "wokey" productions; appointing an accused statutory rapist to Attorney General, an anti-vaxxer to lead Health and Human Services, a conspiracy-theorist to lead National Intelligence, an avowed dog-killer to lead Homeland Security, an accused alcoholic to lead Defense, and the world's richest man to lead deregulation efforts in the name of "Government Efficiency"; and, of course, pardoning everyone involved in the January 6 riot. Note that I did not mention getting rid of the penny; it is well past time for the penny to go (although the president doesn't actually have the power to do that). At least he hasn't gassed any protesters again... yet. It's going to be a very long four years.

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