For the last few years, we've had a Jeopardy! page-a-day calendar. This year, Mom opted for a History Channel This Day in History calendar because she got a great price on it... in February. I'm starting to think the price markdown was for more than just the expiration date.

This Day in History for March 5, 1770, was the Boston Massacre. Maybe you've heard of it? It's pretty famous. According to the calendar, British Private Hugh Montgomery "slipped and fell, discharging his musket into the taunting crowd." Though this makes it sound like an accident, eyewitness testimony at the trial indicated that Montgomery shot only after recovering his dropped rifle and regaining his feet. That, plus the fact that he more or less confessed, is surely why Montgomery was one of only two of the eight soldiers found guilty of manslaughter.¹

The calendar also explicitly states that "John Adams and Josiah Quincy Jr.² defended the colonists." Both of those men would like to assure you that they defended the prosecuted soldiers. In point of fact, there were three trials related to the massacre, the first two against soldiers (Rex vs. Preston and Rex v. Wemms et al.) and the third, much lesser known, against colonists (Rex vs. Manwaring et al). There were no defense attorneys in the third trial, so the calendar is flatly wrong.

(Technically, I suppose, so long as we're being pedantic, we should say that there were four trials related to the Boston Massacre, as according to the 1771 summary of the trial published in The Trial of W. Wemms, J. Hartegan, W. McCauley, H. White, M. Killroy, W. Warren, J. Carrol, and H. Montgomery, Soldiers in His Majesty's 29th Regiment of Foot, for the Murder of C. Attucks, S. Gray, H. Maverick, J. Caldwell, and P. Carr, the sole witness for the prosecution at the third trial, Charles Bourgat, was found not credible and was later brought up on charges of perjury. I don't fault the calendar for omitting this fact. But it is a fun bit of Americana legal trivia.)

Now that I've caught This Day In History making these mistakes, I'm doubting the accuracy of everything it tells me. Sure, these may have been honest editorial grammatical errors, but in this day and age where Google's terrible search AI is giving me factually incorrect answers to everything,³ I think it's more important than ever that the people who claim to be authorities in their fields know what they're talking about. Why should I learn facts about history from people who don't know the facts of history? If you can't trust a discount page-a-day calendar, who can you trust?

¹ Montgomery's punishment was having the letter M "for murder" branded on his thumb,⁴ which is very The Scarlet Letter indeed.⁵

² These days, it seems historians usually refer to the father of 15th Harvard University President Josiah Quincy III as Josiah Quincy II. However, when the son published a posthumous biography cobbled together from father's "journals and letters" in 1825, he titled the book Memoir of the Life of Josiah Quincy, Junior, of Massachusetts Bay: 1744-1775. And who is the History Channel to argue with a former president of Harvard?

³ DO NOT READ GOOGLE AI RESULTS FOR ANYTHING. Seriously, people, I cannot tell you how unhelpful Google AI responses were in researching this topic, a famous incident in American History that has been extensively researched and documented. The responses were so astonishingly wrong, you're just as likely to get correct responses to queries if you asked the teenager at the window of your local Burger King drive-thru. Which, I suppose, does mean that in all the ways that matter, Google AI successfully passes the Turing Test.

⁴ According to Wikipedia, the "benefit of clergy" defense used to save Montgomery from the gallows was abolished in the United Kingdom 1827 and from United States federal law in 1790, though the possibility exists that it may still be recognized in some state courts. I recommend consulting a lawyer before trying it yourself.

⁵ Though it takes place in the 1640s, The Scarlet Letter was published March 16, 1850. I've already peeked ahead; March 16, the calendar tells me, marks the day in 2006 that the "First Lady of Drag Racing," Shirley "Cha Cha" Muldowney, was inducted into the International Drag Racing Hall of Fame, which at least fits the National Women's History Month theme. Weirdly, despite explicitly mentioning four other Halls of Fame she belongs to, Muldowney's Wikipedia page does not mention this induction, though the Don Garlits Museum of Drag Racing which sponsors the IDRHoF does. Why does the calendar endorse this one in particular? I guess that's just another one of history's mysteries.

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The fast food industry is under fire for marketing their delicious death-meat to children. Rather than actually ceasing the marketing of their gateway drug to kids, the industry has decided to discourage the purchase of kids' meals by making them boring.

Mom brought home a Happy Meal bag that had no games on it, just trivia about apples. Gee, not all apples are red? Well, no shit. McDonald's, even I'm not so old enough that I think apple trivia would be fun for kids.

Meanwhile, I just got this tray liner at Burger King in support of their new and unexciting "Crown Meal." Click on the dots below to connect them.

Disclaimer: It's not as much fun as you remember.

What I see is a really lame excuse for a connect-the-dots picture. I might as well be drawing a picture of the trash can.

Elsewhere on this same placemat is another fun game: "Give all of your family members nicknames!" Burger King's suggestion? "Hot Feet." If that Mad Lib doesn't keep you from enjoying your Whopper Jr., nothing will.

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Wait, so that's what fun tastes like?

This giant display of Fun Pops® was found beside the health food in my local Kroger's grocery store. Because in America, plastic bags of sugar water and dye are health food.

Aren't these kids a little young to be having Fun Pops®? That boy looks way too excited about getting his mouth on that stick. And that little girl sure looks pleased to be holding that Fun Pop®. I'm sure that Burger King wishes that it had thought of this product's packaging for it's Kids Meals.

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Back on March 26, I was willing to give Burger King the benefit of the doubt for using the porn slang term "Burger Shots" to market their new mini-hamburgers. But now loyal reader and good friend of the blog Ken Harrison points out something that's obliterates my good faith presumptions by being a bit too obvious to misunderstand:

While I'm sure that the King is very proud to have a Super Seven Incher (as he should be: the average American male's "sandwich" is more aptly named an Average Five-And-A-Half Incher), I'm not so sure that this is the best way to sell a sandwich. Or anything else. Assuming half of the population wants to put something like that in their mouth, it's a pretty safe bet that the other half will go out of their way to avoid it. So right off the bat, Burger King is cutting its potential advertising audience in half unless they are hanging these promotions up in prisons.

On the plus side, as far as names go, that's waaay better than The King's Weiner.

Seriously, Burger King, you're starting to freak me out. When I think of sex, I don't want to think of flame-broiled meat. I don't think that coitus should have the lingering musty smell of old Whopper. And I don't think I want to put your meat anywhere near my mouth. Keep this up, and I just might have to become a vegetarian so that your stiff french fires and sultry milk shakes won't be molesting me in my dreams. (If only cucumbers didn't look so much like large penises. <shudder>)

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Burger King thinks I'm stupid. They're trying to sell me miniature hamburgers that are smaller than the Whopper, Jr. However, these smaller burgers are also half-again more expensive than a Whopper, Jr. "But that's because we're selling them in 2-packs," Burger King contends. Seriously, that sort of negates the initial selling-point that they're smaller portions, doesn't it? I know that tiny hamburgers are the latest, greatest craze in the American hospitality industry, but there's a right way and a wrong way to do everything. Charging me more for less is definitely the wrong way.

Desperate to convince me that this is a good idea, Burger King has borrowed a tried-and-true beer advertising ideology, namely boobs. But they've screwed that up, too. Men in their commercials holding an A-cup pair of the "cute" smaller burgers are swarmed with uncommonly attractive coeds who find the burgers -- and by extension, the dork holding their small buns -- adorable. I don't know about Burger King himself, but for me the "cute" response is reserved for things that I want to nurture, like puppies and children, not things that I want to consume, like hamburgers and Hooters waitresses.

Before you call me an overreacting prude, note that the carefully market-tested name of these burgers, "Burger Shots," is a slang term for a photograph of the external female sexual organs. It's also the name of a restaurant chain in the nihilistically perverse Grand Theft Auto universe which is itself based on Burger King. Coincidence? Before you answer, please note that the signature burger at the fictional Burger Shot chain is called a Bleeder. (Think about it.) It's a bit frightening to think of what's coming next from the dirty minds at BK marketing. Will drink refills be renamed "Sloppy Seconds"? Will kids' meals be branded "Fun Bags"? (I kid, but bk.com already advertises "BK Kids Meals Now with BK Burger Shotsâ„¢." Think about THAT.)

Frankly, Burger King, I'm surprised to discover that My Way is quite so lecherous. I think It's pretty clear that at the age of 55, Burger King has become a dirty old man.

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Today's entry is brought to you by the letter "R" and the number "10." (And the Burger King, who sold me this Super Powers Meal Pack in 1987.)

You know, being the Riddler can't be all bad. Sure, he's got a psychopathic need for attention that always causes him to get caught, but the guy otherwise lives a pretty good life: he's clever, he's dapper (not so much in the green-footed jammies he's wearing above, but his suit and question mark cane are really quite stylish), and he has a lot of fun. The guy laughs a lot! He gets a lot of healthy exercise, so he's in pretty good shape. And he gets to spend a lot of money on creature comforts (when he's not in Arkham Asylum, which is frequently the case). Come to think of it, he lives pretty good in Arkham, too, as one of the less violent offenders in the joint he must get the run of the place.

Look at him up there, stretched out on a beach waiting for Superman to bring him to justice. That's the life. Pretty flowers, good music, tranquil waves, Pat the Bunny... maybe crime does pay.

What, exactly, is going on in the picture above? I wonder, just who is Batman's "pal"? Is Batman coming to Superman's aid or the Riddler's? Or for that matter, maybe the Dark Knight is rowing in to help that poor roller skating android who seems to have been caught completely unawares by Superman's left hook. Clearly, that is not Metallo, The Man with the Kryptonie Heart, out there. That ferrous fellow doesn't stand a chance against the Man of Steel. It doesn't even know any better than to wear roller skates on a sandy beach. Silly robot, roller skates are for kids.

For the record, the 10 things beginning with the letter "R" are rabbit, radio, robot, rock, rocking chair, roller skates, rope, roses, and rowboat. Hmmm.. I'm missing one... what could it be?

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I'm sitting here, working on preparing eBay listings of Happy Meal boxes and toys that my mother has collected from various restaurants over the past 30 years. I'm also listening to BBC News on NPR cover the growing crisis with the Italian presidency. These two separate and completely different activities have led to this:

Perhaps Sir Shakes-A-Lot should be the new president of Italy, the country whose Supreme Court recently declared that it's ok to rape women if they aren't virgins. He may be spastic, but at least he understands the Chivalric Code.

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