Burger King thinks I'm stupid. They're trying to sell me miniature hamburgers that are smaller than the Whopper, Jr. However, these smaller burgers are also half-again more expensive than a Whopper, Jr. "But that's because we're selling them in 2-packs," Burger King contends. Seriously, that sort of negates the initial selling-point that they're smaller portions, doesn't it? I know that tiny hamburgers are the latest, greatest craze in the American hospitality industry, but there's a right way and a wrong way to do everything. Charging me more for less is definitely the wrong way.

Desperate to convince me that this is a good idea, Burger King has borrowed a tried-and-true beer advertising ideology, namely boobs. But they've screwed that up, too. Men in their commercials holding an A-cup pair of the "cute" smaller burgers are swarmed with uncommonly attractive coeds who find the burgers -- and by extension, the dork holding their small buns -- adorable. I don't know about Burger King himself, but for me the "cute" response is reserved for things that I want to nurture, like puppies and children, not things that I want to consume, like hamburgers and Hooters waitresses.

Before you call me an overreacting prude, note that the carefully market-tested name of these burgers, "Burger Shots," is a slang term for a photograph of the external female sexual organs. It's also the name of a restaurant chain in the nihilistically perverse Grand Theft Auto universe which is itself based on Burger King. Coincidence? Before you answer, please note that the signature burger at the fictional Burger Shot chain is called a Bleeder. (Think about it.) It's a bit frightening to think of what's coming next from the dirty minds at BK marketing. Will drink refills be renamed "Sloppy Seconds"? Will kids' meals be branded "Fun Bags"? (I kid, but bk.com already advertises "BK Kids Meals Now with BK Burger Shots™." Think about THAT.)

Frankly, Burger King, I'm surprised to discover that My Way is quite so lecherous. I think It's pretty clear that at the age of 55, Burger King has become a dirty old man.

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To be continued...

 

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