The Preakness Stakes is tomorrow, and Kentucky Derby champion Mine That Bird is currently the betting favorite to win at 11-2 odds, considerably better than the 50-1 odds that he beat to win the Derby. Don't get me wrong, I'm not endorsing gambling on the ponies. I don't even generally care for horse racing outside of the Triple Crown events. It's a sport for rich people, and I'm more of a... poor person. The closest I've ever come to owning a horse is possessing a copy of Who's Who in the DC Universe featuring the Legion of Super-Pets, which naturally includes Comet the Super-Horse.

(I really love the depictions for breaking the time barrier in Silver Age Superman comics. Time, ladies and gentlemen, is a rainbow.)

However, I don't think Comet should be allowed to race in any horse-race, but not because of his super-speed. No, see, Comet is really a Grecian centaur accidentally transformed into a horse, granted superpowers as a consolation for the mistake, banished to a comet for millennia by his enemies, and freed from said imprisonment by the happenstance passage of a rocket ship that contained a young Supergirl fleeing the destruction of Krypton. It all makes sense if you think about it. Comet isn't a horse, but a man trapped in a horse's body. You wouldn't let a man enter a horse race, would you?

Of course this begs the question that if Comet had a highly developed brain, was sentient, and capable of telepathic communication, why in the world would he join a group called the Legion of Super-Pets in the first place? Just because he let Supergirl ride on his back, he qualified as a pet? (Superman's Pet, Lois Lane probably isn't going to appear on newsracks anytime soon.) What male wouldn't let Supergirl ride on his back?

Fast fact: in "The Secret Identity of Super-Horse," Action Comics #301, Comet was granted the form of a bipedal human -- his fondest wish -- and began a romance with Supergirl. Turnabout is fair play, it would seem. Maybe I've just got a salacious mind, but that sounds like a comic I've got to get my hands on. I suppose a "Super-Pet" must be a little different than a traditional pet. Maybe it's the equivalent of a pet with benefits.

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Headlines across the internet are screaming about a chimpanzee named Travis that went bananas and mauled a family friend. I first noticed the story when I flipped past MSNBC, which had apparently had enough of reporting the terrible news from Wall Street ("DOW in Bottomless Free Fall!" "Automakers Beg for $20 Billion More!" "New Investment Scammer Revealed!") today and turned to an in-depth investigation of the case of the crazy chimp.

Travis was apparently treated like a member of the family for over a decade, even joining the family at the dinner table. (Which makes the owner's reported screams of "Just shoot him!" make me wonder how she treats her real children.) Every incident report about the situation includes something similar to "he appeared in advertisements for Coca-Cola." I'm sure that the suits at Coke never considered their association with a sociopathic chimp when they were casting for the part of star Coke-swilling monkey: "Kill Humans! Drink Coke! Ahhhhhh!"

Now, I'm no fan of the primate. ("They're like little, furry people," supporters say, and that's exactly why I hate them.) But, I don't really think this is that big a story, people. It just seems to me like we're looking for something other than the now-commonplace bad economic news. So we've turned to "Monkey Mauls Man" as escapist fantasy.

I mean, who didn't see this coming? Animals snap all the time. (If it were a human, we'd say they "went postal" or whatever phrase is en vogue these days.) We've all seen Planet of the Apes, Monkey Shines, and The Wizard of Oz. We've all read The Monkey's Paw, The Jungle Book, and Curious George. We're all familiar with >shudder< Gleek.

They may seem friendly, start out as "helpers," but soon they're going through the garbage, cooking methamphetamine over your stove, and beating the hell out of your loved ones. Monkeys are bad news. Always have been, always will be. Stay away, people, stay away. Let global warming do it's job.

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