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Spotted at Kroger: The Christmas Tree Funnel.

Because even Christmas trees want to do keg stands at frat parties.

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You may recall that on Thanksgiving, I stepped on and broke July's toenail. That led to emergency surgery the following week to remove the nail. I challenged Christmas to bring me something worse. Me and my big mouth.

Following surgery, July's toe hasn't healed well. It has swollen to roughly the size of a pinball. When the doctor tells you that the best case scenario is a "very bad infection," you know you've got trouble.

So far, she's seen two different vets and been given three different antibiotics. A cutting from the original surgery has been sent to the lab for a biopsy in case there is an underlying tumor. The results of that test and her response to the antibiotics will determine whether she needs another surgery to remove more of the toe. Whether any of that happens before 2016 is still kind of up in the air. Victoria's biopsy this summer took 2 weeks, and that was when no one was on holiday.

Vet bills for the past 30 days come to $672 and counting. I've spent all my holiday money on July, and I can't even say she's enjoying it. On the up-side, there's more room in your stocking for goodies after you start cutting your toes off.

Congratulations, Christmas, for rising to the challenge I set for you. You're on deck, New Year's. Bring it on.

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Mom wanted glass marbles for a vase. She looked at several stores but was having no luck. At her wit's end, she dragged me to Hobby Lobby.

I haven't been in a Hobby Lobby for years. I've always preferred Michael's, partly because I was long ago brand-brainwashed when Michael's was my only local option and partly because I don't generally shop at stores whose idea of impulse-buy items are bibles. What kid fidgeting in line at the checkout cries, "I wanna 'nother bible"?

Of course, I've been especially dissatisfied with Hobby Lobby since it insisted in demanding the benefits of religious organizations while maintaining its for-profit status. The Supreme Court may have decided that's legal, but it's not cool. Since I disagree with Hobby Lobby's bible-based decision against contraception, I exercise my constitutional right to not give them any of my money.

So when Mom said we were going to Hobby Lobby, I renewed my resolution to keep my wallet shut. From that lead in, you know that no sooner had I walked into Hobby Lobby than I found myself Tempted By The Devil. Right by the front door was a display of metal Batman key fobs. I've had the same metal Batman key fob (purchased from the now-defunct Warner Brothers Store) attached to my Jeep key since 1999, and it's a little worse for wear. Now here, in a Hobby Lobby, was the chance to replace it for only $5.99 and a small piece of my soul!

In the end, I kept my soul (and my $5.99). But if anyone without ethics is looking for a something to buy Walter for Christmas, I know a place.

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That blurry picture is my neighbor's house. If you can't tell, that's a Christmas Tree in the window. I post it because this isn't last year's picture. It was taken the day after Halloween!

Last week also saw the release of the annual Christmas issue of Coweta County Magazine. Home Depot has replaced it's bird seed with artificial tinsels. I can't watch a football game without seeing Black Friday advertisements.

When I was a child, it seemed like Christmas would never get here. The entire month of December was spent waiting for Santa's visit. How hellish must the holiday be for today's children who are taunted by visions of sugarplums before they've opened their first piece of Halloween candy?

Christmas has become the bully of holidays, stealing two months from autumn to become the fifth season of the year and demanding that Thanksgiving surrender its milk money. Fuck you, Christmas. Fuck you and the sleigh you rode in on.

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Christmas Eve 2013: we fried a turkey.

Before, during, and after pictures above. It was easier than I thought, but I overcooked it, turning the skin into a nearly impenetrable shell. The meat inside was still juicy and tasty, and I consider the entire exercise a success simply because I didn't burn myself or blow anything up.

The dogs liked it more than I did.

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The Daily Mail reports that a 38-year-old Chinese man committed suicide by throwing himself from the seventh floor in a shopping mall when his girlfriend refused to stop her holiday shopping. This story is far too good to be true. What shopping mall is 7 stories tall?

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