Dear Walter-of-the-Future,

I write to you now to remind you that I watched large parts of both of UGA's last two basketball games of the 2014-2015 season. Not all, mind you, because I don't really have a strong stomach. I watched just enough to remind myself why I don't ever watch basketball. Especially when UGA is involved.

Therefore, when you come back and read this because you're once again surprised to discovered that you have used a "basketball" tag before (twice! I know, right?) or because tickets to a game in Stegeman Coliseum are incredibly cheap, know that the research has been done. Go play a video game instead.

Don't waste your time reinvestigating this issue, even if UGA does somehow make it past the first round of the NCAA tournament — something that they haven't done in the past 13 years as of this writing. (This is not a prediction that UGA can never improve at basketball. Maybe they will. [They won't.]).

The last time you liked basketball was when when you lived in Lithonia and played pick-up games with the neighborhood kids in Deshawn's driveway. You were the kid that always got assigned to the "good" team because you were so terrible it evened things out. The only thing you were good at was fouling. That's not a skill, it's a liability.

The bad news is that basketball hasn't changed, and you've only gotten slower and fatter. You and basketball have gone your separate ways, and now there's not even any need to acknowledge one another's presence when you pass crossing the street. Have a nice life, basketball.

What I'm trying to say is that it doesn't matter what UGA does. Or the Hawks or the second coming of "Thunder Dan" Majerle. Don't bother watching because you conclusively don't like the sport of basketball. You know how I know? Because I'm you.

You're welcome.

Signed Walter-of-the-Past

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While working, I tend to have the television on but the sound off. Occasionally, I look up and read the closed captioning to see if I'm missing anything. On Saturday night, I looked up and saw this:

That's Atlanta's "11 Alive" 11PM newscast referencing the Georgia Bulldogs' basketball opponents. It's a good things the Bulldogs won. It'd be embarrassing to lose to a bunch of "Florida Gay Toes" in Athens.

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If you didn't know that assists, rebounds, and free throws were basketball statistics, this article from the sports section of my local Newnan Times-Herald (page 7, Dec. 9, 2009) newspaper would be really confusing.

Scratch that. It's really confusing anyway.

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The annual NBA Slam Dunk competition has become dominated by Superman. Last year, Dwight Howard won after doing a Superman-inspired dunk. This year, Howard added some "S-shield" emblazoned Adidas shoes to complete the heroic motif. However, he placed second to Nate Robinson, who wore day-glo green "Krypto-Nate" Nike shoes.

If their names didn't already give it away, the order of finish would make Adidas the "hero" and Nike the "villain" in this particular comic book. (As all comic readers know, the villain always wins in Act Two in order to increase the drama heading into the third and final act.) And I think that sounds about right. Adidas, you may not be number 1, but anyone competing against Nike fights on the side of angels. (The enemy of my enemy...)

My only problem with all this is just how ugly those Superman shoes looked. I thought they stopped making shoes that hideous in the 80's. It could be argued that Superman's costume, too, is a little out-dated (argued by others, not me; I like to wear my underwear as outerwear), but if he were ever to change, I doubt it would be into those. Those are the sorts of loud shoes we'd expect to find on the fashion-challenged Trickster or Crazy Quilt. By comparison, they make the Rainbow Raider's costume look stylish. Only Bizarro would say that these shoes look good.

On the upside, criminals such as the Ten-Eyed man would be easily incapacitated by the mere awfulness of those shoes appearance. Although, come to think of it, the Ten-Eyed man was never that difficult to defeat anyway, so maybe that's not so much of an upside.

Sorry, Adidas, it's back to the drawing board. Hopefully, when you return for Act Three next year, you'll be able to unveil the hero's triumphant new look for the winner's circle.

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