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A local man has been arrested for stealing seventeen thousand dollars worth of Pepsi in one month from the bottling plant where he worked. Putting aside the most obvious question — "who would be crazy enough to steal Pepsi?" — the second most pressing question becomes "how much Pepsi will $17,000 buy?"

Since The Newnan Times-Herald gives no actual details of the crime other than the dollar amount, let's do some dirty math based on the most expensive container of Pepsi I can buy locally. A single serving 12-oz can from a vending machine goes for $1, setting the price at about 8¢ per ounce. That makes $17,000 worth of Pepsi more than 212,000 ounces, enough to fill nearly 1,500 12-packs.

My estimate above was retail prices. The bottler does offer catering services, so it is possible they charge by the drink somewhere. However it's more likely that the cost reported was the wholesale price. If that's the case, double that estimate to 3,000 12-packs. That's enough Pepsi to fill an average swimming pool!

Keep in mind that both of those estimates are set by the $1/can price. For all I know, that stolen Pepsi was syrup for soda fountains. That brings the per-ounce cost down to half-a-cent per ounce. At that price, we're talking a theft of over 2,200 gallons of Pepsi, approximately 80 tons! (While this amount is unlikely, keep in mind that Americans do drink over 36 million gallons of carbonated soda every day, so there is a lot of Pepsi out there to steal!)

Whatever the true numbers, this is just another case demonstrating that most criminals are stupid. It may be one thing to think you can get away with sneaking an occasional pen from the office, but you have to expect someone to notice when you back a tanker truck up to your cubicle.

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Since my brother moved away last month and took his Tivo with him, I've been watching a lot more commercials. I find that instead of instilling me with a desire to purchase another product I probably don't need, most of them are filling me with unreasonable rage.

Take for example the Pepsi Max commercial where a Pepsi Max vendor and a Coke Zero vendor become friendly only to have the Pepsi fellow reveal that he is an absolute asshole by publicly jeopardizing the Coke vendor's job. (You can view the ad here.) That is supposed to make me want your product, Pepsi? All that does is make me want to preemptively punch anyone wearing Pepsi gear in the face.

You may have noticed that this commercial is a re-imagining of an older Pepsi commercial. (View the original ad here.) Notably in the 1995 original, it was the Coke vendor who provoked the discord by stealing the Pepsi vendor's Pepsi. That's a pretty good commercial: the Pepsi is so good, the Coke guy would rather drink it than Coke. It is a much better punchline than that of the remake, where the Pepsi guy posts a video to Youtube of Mr. Coke giving the Pepsi Max a fair and friendly taste test. That's the equivalent of what Andrew Breitbart did to Shirley Sherrod that resulted in Sherrod's firing by the USDA last month for comments taken out of context. I have no doubt that Brietbart drinks Pepsi.

So what about that new commercial makes Pepsi think that's it's an improvement? Why not just re-film the exact script with Pepsi Max and Coke Zero in place of their higher-caloried counterparts? Does Pepsi think that just because it includes a reference to Youtube, it's going to incite teenagers to drink their diet soft drink? That would make teenagers stupider than soft drink executives!

So I'll tell you why we can't be friends, Pepsi: you're a dick. You can keep your technology-savvy vendors and your Youtube; I'll keep my Coca-Cola. Now get out before I throw you out.

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To be continued...


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