Showing 1 - 4 of 4 posts found matching keyword: horrorscope

On February 6, I complained that my horoscope calendar was horribly wrong. I need to retract that post. It seems the calendar wasn't wrong; I was.

See, I had mistakenly turned the page to March instead of February. Both months start on a Monday, and I simply didn't realize I'd made the error until today. (Why didn't the stars warn me?)

So everything I wrote on February 6 should instead apply to March. The real February doesn't have 8 different days telling me I should be buying a house or falling in love. It actually has 10, including February 14:

Happy Valentine's Day! Wedding bells may ring for many Scales in love. Others might get engaged, It's also a favorable day to buy a house.

I love having options.

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From today's horrorscope calendar entry:

Try not to take risks when working out. You're extremely accident-prone. Also, don't speed when driving and don't lift anything that can throw out your back.

I know the stars are looking out for me, but do I really need to be warned not to speed? Isn't that what the law against speeding is for? Will next month the calendar warn me against fraud or murder? If I'm the sort of person who looked to a calendar for that sort of advice, I probably shouldn't be allowed to drive.

Frankly, I should just be satisfied that the calendar didn't tell me that I should be buying a house or falling in love today (as it does on February 7, 14, 16, 20, 21, 24, 26, and 30 — a favorable day to "meet new sweethearts with healthy bank accounts").

Speaking of reading ahead, no less a star than the eminent time traveler Emmett "Doc" Brown warns against knowing what the future holds for a reason. I mean, what am I supposed to do with the warning that awaits me on February 11?

Be careful when working out. You're extremely accident-prone today. Also, don't speed when driving to and from work. You could wind up in a fender bender.

At least I'll get to do whatever I want with my back, which means I should be free to pick up the calendar and relocate it to the trashcan. But I'm so accident prone, I might give myself a papercut in the process.

UPDATE 2021-02-12: Oops. This post should really be about March 6. See my correction post on February 12.

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Horoscope update:

January 5, 9, 10, and 14 were good days for love. On those days, I was encouraged to start dating someone — or, "if you're in a long term relationship," marry someone.

January 8, 11, and 13 were good days to buy or sell my house. Because "The New Moon in Capricorn" or something.

January 18 is a good day to "try marriage on for size" or "go house hunting."

At this rate, by the end of the year, I'll own 26 houses, one for each of my new wives. That sounds expensive. I sure hope the stars point me towards some money-making opportunities soon.

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For Christmas, my aunt gave me a Libra 2021 Calendar ("Personalized Daily Horoscope Presented by The International Astrological Alliance, a Leading Resource on Astrology and The Zodiac").

Personally, I have never seen anything to make me believe there's one all-powerful force controlling everything. But maybe that's because I've never been exposed to someone who really understood it all. Reading the back of the calendar, it says that "Libra can be possessive, smothering, insulting and sarcastic." If that wasn't written for me, I don't know what was.

Yesterday, on the first day of the year, my horoscope recommended that I should hang out with friends so that I could meet "someone who brags about every little thing." That doesn't sound like fun, but hey, maybe because I now know about it, I can avoid it, right? Thanks, horoscope.

On the other hand, today's entry reads:

Wedding bells may ring for many Librans in love. Others might get engaged. You can also meet interesting people at the wedding reception of a friend.

Um, I thought this was supposed to be personalized. Not only does that not sound like me or anyone I know, it also doesn't seem to have anything to do with 2021. Doesn't my horoscope know there's a pandemic on? "May ring"? "Might get engaged"? "Can also meet"? I've read things in cookies that were more definite and useful.

But maybe that's just one bad entry. Rather than throw it out, I've decided to hang the calendar in the most appropriate place I can think of: in my bathroom over my toilet. May the stars continue to be my guide in 2021.

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To be continued...

 

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