I've just cut off my facial hair that I was growing out in an effort to determine if I looked good with facial hair. I didn't. I just looked like a poser with an itchy face. Besides, everyone knows that goatees are the indicator of alternate universe versions of oneself. Since I'm typically a prick, I'd have to be a nice guy if I had a goatee. That's simple logic.

Case in point: Superman never wears facial hair. A mullet, maybe, but not a mustache or muttonchops. Facial hair is for villains. (See Superman II for details.) So of course Christopher Reeve never had any, even after he was no longer able to shave himself. Although, once he shaved his entire head, he looked more like he was auditioning to play his own arch-nemesis, Lex Luthor.

Hmm. Facial hair = bad. Bald = bad. So clearly someone who is bald with facial hair must be a terrible person. That's simple logic. (I'm looking at you, Samuel L. Jacksonified Nick Fury!)

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