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Have you seen this new Kraft product MiO, the "Liquid Water Enhancer"? It's a pocket-sized bottle of artificial flavors and colors that you can add to water. Some people must only like water if it doesn't look or taste like water.

MiO may have a hard time getting off the ground given the recent controversy about the effect of some artificial food coloring on hyperactive children. Last week the FDA reaffirmed its stance that food coloring was safe, but the vote was far from unanimous. Unfortunately for MiO, in addition to flavoring it also contains food coloring, to give it those beautiful, saturated hues that make it look like your glass is full of Easter-egg dyes. So MiO is safe for you, but it might be best to keep it away from your kids.

My favorite part of this wonderful product is that it should only be added to "liquid" water. Don't add it to solid or gaseous water. No, that would be bad. By the way, the English language has a word for liquid water. It's "water." Gaseous water is called "steam"; frozen water, "ice." It would seem that "liquid water" would be redundant, but if the manufacturer puts the word in the product name, it's probably best not to be too experimental with their product. So MiO is safe for you, but it might make dangerous pop-sickles.

MiO's second listed ingredient (after "liquid" water) is propylene glycol, a biodegradable alcohol that depresses freezing temperatures which is why it is commonly found in antifreeze. Don't worry, though: the FDA says propylene glycol is safe for humans and dangerous only to cats. So MiO is safe for you, but it might be best to keep it away from your pussy.

Don't get me wrong, I don't have anything against MiO except for it's bizarrely capitalized name, ridiculous concept, or terrible flavor selection. ("Peach Tea" and "Mango Peach"? Looks like mankind has really mastered artificial peach flavoring.) I just get irritated by anyone who would embed the the following video on their product website and call it "highly educational."

That's about as informative as calling a product "Liquid Water Enhancer." Personally, I like my water enhanced the old-fashioned way: carbonated, caffeinated, and caramel colored. If only they would make Coke in convenient, easy-to-carry cans.

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To be continued...

 

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