Back on December 12, I wrote

It is starting to look like 2023 will be yet another year where the Dolphins have a pretty good record heading into December only for the team to lose games they should win and flame out before the playoffs.

Final update: yep, they lost. After yet another December flame out, they lost their shot at winning the conference (last accomplished in 1984) and then their shot at winning the division (last accomplished in 2008). Once again, they backed into the playoffs as a wild card and then lost their shot at winning a postseason game (last accomplished in 2000).

Last year they lost to the Buffalo Bills in Buffalo in 28° weather. Last night, it was an even less competitive game, a dull 7-28 against the Kansas City Chiefs in Kansas City in -28° wind chill weather. I'm a little worried about what the temperature might be in next year's loss (in Cleveland?). Oh, well. That's the price you pay for not winning enough games to avoid away field disadvantage.

(To be completely fair to the Dolphins, for the second year in a row, by the time they got to December, the roster was devastated by injuries. It's hard to win at any temperature when you have no first- or second-string linebackers [although the real fail in the late season was an inability by the offense to score, partly due to lingering injuries but also bad scheming, play-calling, and execution]. I don't watch each game with the expectation of winning a Super Bowl; I just like football, and I like the team I cheer for to play well. It's just disappointing when the team seems to always be playing its very worst when the stakes get highest.)

My bigger problem with the loss was that in order to watch it, I had to subscribe to Peacock. The Dolphins v. Chiefs game was the first ever NFL playoff game available exclusively on a streaming network which charged a subscription fee and still ran a shit ton of ads. Fuck you, NFL and NBC. I'm glad your game was a frozen turd, and I'm glad I watched on someone else's account so you didn't get an extra dime out of me.

Welcome to the future, where the playoff football is terrible and you have to pay extra to see it. Living in the past increasingly seems the better option. I hear that 1972 was a pretty good year.

UPDATE: The Detroit Lions have won their playoff game, which means they no longer are the NFL team that has gone the longest since their last playoff win (31 seasons since 1992). That honor now belongs to, you guessed it, the Miami Dolphins. Twenty-three seasons and counting! Woot!

And since we're on the topic, I might as well point out that the Miami Dolphins currently sit at #5 on the list of NFL teams with the longest stretch since appearing in a Super Bowl. It's been 38 years since Joe Montana beat Dan Marino. It's been 47 years for the Vikings and 55 years for the Jets but it could be worse; the Lions and Browns remain tied at "never." So, yeah, that's the bright side: it be worse.

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"I'm Joe Montana, and I spent 16 years playing football...
...and Shape-Upsâ„¢ have improved my strength and posture."

-- Joe Montana, (paid endorser)

Say it ain't so, Joe. You must have been the only one helped by the shoe, then. Earlier this week, Skechers agreed to pay $50 million in settlement of a class-action lawsuit alleging that the only thing Skechers was shaping up with it's Shape-Ups™ shoes was its wallet.

Shape-Ups™'s other celebrity endorser was Kim Kardashian, and we know what her integrity is worth. Does Joe Montana need cash so badly that he's willing to attach his name to just anything these days? What's next, Joe Montana's propane-powered toothbrushes (the Joe Mouth-tana®: "Brush Your Way to Victory!")? Joe Montana's chemical toilets (the Joe John®: "When You Gotta Go All the Way!")? Joe Montana's homemade deer bait (the Doe Montana®: "Doing It for the Fawns!")?

At least Jimmy Johnson has cornered the market on celebrity football endorsements of herbal erection supplements. No one needs to be exposed to the slogan, "As Big As Montana!"

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