Showing 1 - 10 of 275 posts found matching keyword: news
Thursday 22 July 2021
Every Batman fan worth his salt knows "The Joker's Comedy of Errors!", better known as "The Joker's Boner" story. Originally presented in Batman #66, Aug/Sep 1951, it can be summed up in one panel:
This is but one of 6 "boner" newspaper headlines in this story.
If you haven't read the story or you struggle with context clues, you might find it helpful to know that my trusty 1977 Webster's New Twentieth Century Dictionary of the English Language Unabridged defines "boner" thusly:
bōn´ẽr, n. a stupid or silly blunder. [Slang.]
As Batman #66 proves, newspaper editors love boners. Which brings us to the point of today's post.
In order to fill column space As a public service, The Newnan Times-Herald newspaper reprints food inspection reports from county restaurants. It's usually a lot of repeated warnings that store managers aren't checking the mold levels in their ice machines. (Come on, guys! It's right there in the Georgia Department of Public Health Rules and Regulations, Chapter 511-6-1-.05-7-b-5-iv-II!)
This month, in honor of Independence Day, the paper rewarded loyal readers by giving our local hot dog stand a boner of its own:
Oysters really are an aphrodisiac!
For the record, the restaurant calls itself "The Half Shell Oyster Bar & Hot Dog Shop." Rumor has it their menu was selected because the city wouldn't let them install an oven in their original location downtown, so they chose items they could cook with steam. (Welcome to Newnan!)
I've never had the oysters, but the chili dogs *are* pretty exciting.
Friday 28 May 2021
1 "That day" was January 6, 2021, when an armed mob stormed the U.S. Capitol, resulting in the death of 5 Americans
2 Quoted May 27, 2021, on the Senate floor by Minority Whip Mitch McConnell3
3 Image is a visual approximation
Friday 14 May 2021
I am now fully vaccinated (2 shots + 2 weeks), which, according to the CDC, means that I can resume my life as "normal" before COVID-19 reached American shores. But what if I don't want to?
I *could* drive to my friends' houses, assuming that I can find gasoline (which is not in short supply but is suffering distribution issues after too many of my fellow Americans succumbed to panic following news reports of possible problems and bought up all the available
toilet paper gasoline). But I've never been enthusiastic about leaving the house, and I find I am even less so now, even to spend time with people who I theoretically enjoy spending time with.
I *could* attend a movie, as I used to do before the entertainment world ground to a halt. But my favorite theater couldn't survive the economic downturn and is now boarded up. Besides, what's playing? The number one movie in America is Wrath of Man, and I get to see plenty of that on the evening news for free.
I *could* go to a sporting event, such as a minor league baseball game. But the thought of being surrounded by a crowd of people has always made me anxious, and that was back when the odds were low that the people sitting on either side of me could kill me with their breath. Football season doesn't start for months yet. I've paid for season tickets; will I be comfortable enough to venture forth by then?
Or I *could* stay under the covers in my bed in my basement, where the world can't reach me. I think I like that option best.
POSTSCRIPT: I just waded through many, many, many websites worth of evidence supporting — but, as they are quick to point out, not conclusively proving (because the Chinese government has been so thoroughly opposed to any investigation) — the theory that COVID-19 is a human creation that escaped a lab in true Michael Crichton-fashion. All the more reason to stay indoors, I think, where those mad scientists can't reach me.
Thursday 8 April 2021
It has been announced that the University of Georgia and the University of Louisville are now scheduled to play football against one another in the years 2026 and 2027. It's always big news when UGA plays a team from a so-called "Power Five" conference that isn't the SEC, but this one is particularly interesting.
A bit of history: UGA and Louisville were supposed to play football in one another's stadiums during the 2011 and 2012 seasons, but that deal got bought out by the Chick-fil-A Kickoff Game so that UGA would be free to play in 2011 vs Boise State (which I did not attend and Boise State won). UGA did eventually play Louisville — for the first and, to-date, only time — in the 2014 Belk Bowl (which I attended and UGA won).
You might think that this news of a home-and-home series against Louisville would be great news for me, a Georgia season ticket holder. But I'll probably get to see it the same way most of America will: from my couch.
Georgia is already scheduled to play one game against a non-SEC Power Five school in each of the next five years, but none of those will be in Athens. In fact, most of those are already scheduled for neutral sites, just like the Chick-fil-A Kickoff Classic or the Belk Bowl. It's a safe bet that by the time we get to 2027, the Louisville game will be moved elsewhere to capture those television contract big bucks — or maybe outright canceled as it was in 2011.
The point of all this is my message that if UGA wants to win, they should hold the game somewhere I will be in attendance.
Tuesday 6 April 2021
Coca-Cola's response to Georgia's passage of the Election Integrity Act of 2021 ("Statement from James Quincey [Chairman and CEO] on Georgia Voting Legislation," April 1, 2021) opened with this sugar-free, caramel-coloring deficient statement:
"We want to be crystal clear and state unambiguously that we are disappointed in the outcome of the Georgia voting legislation."
Georgia Republican House Caucus response to Coca-Cola's response to their new law (excerpt from "House of Representatives letter to Coca-Cola Company," April 3, 2021):
"Given Coke's choice to cave to the pressure of an out of control cancel culture, we respectfully request all Coca-Cola Company products be removed from our office suite immediately."
1. Nothing says you're taking a stand against "out of control cancel culture" like canceling something that you disagreed with.
2. Why would anyone expect Coca-Cola to be happy about the new law when it expressly makes it illegal to give someone a Coke and/or a smile?
(Election Integrity Act of 2121, Section 33: Said chapter is further amended by revising subsections (a) and (e) of Code Section 21-2-414, relating to restrictions on campaign activities and public opinion polling within the vicinity of a polling place, cellular phone use prohibited, prohibition of candidates from entering certain polling places, and penalty, as follows: (a) No person shall solicit votes in any manner or by any means or method, nor shall any person distribute or display any campaign material, nor shall any person give, offer to give, or participate in the giving of any money or gifts, including, but not limited to, food and drink, to an elector, nor shall any person solicit signatures for any petition, nor shall any person, other than election officials discharging their duties, establish or set up any tables or booths on any day in which ballots are being cast: (1) Within 150 feet of the outer edge of any building within which a polling place is established; (2) Within any polling place; or (3) Within 25 feet of any voter standing in line to vote at any polling place.)
3. Enjoy your Pepsi, boys. You've earned it.
Thursday 4 March 2021
I feel like the recent announcement that Hasbro is dropping the "Mr." and "Mrs." from their Potato Head toys is something that I should be blogging about. It's exactly the sort of inconsequential bit of nostalgic pop-culture bullshit for an overgrown man-child to rant sarcastically about.
However, in 2021, if I make a joke about a plastic potato no longer having a penis, that means I qualify to be a panelist on Fox News. Good grief. (Fun fact: Fox News much prefers their plastic potatoes to have vaginas as God intended.)
These days, everything is a political weapon. From which fast food you have for lunch to which comic books you read to whether you take steps to prevent the spread of disease, every goddamn thing is now a cudgel that someone will use to drive their agenda against you.
Has it always been this way? Was I just not paying attention before? When did everyone get so sensitive? Wokeness is fucking exhausting. We could use some laughter to break this tension, but someone is sure to take that personally.
Way to suck the fun out of a toy, everybody.
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Wednesday 13 January 2021
Slate.com's culture blog, Brow Beat, has published a satirical article that is too perfect. (I'm so jealous. I wish I'd thought of it first.) I'm reposting just the start to whet your appetite.
Don’t Prosecute Gotham’s Supervillains for Their Latest Scheme
Any attempt to bring the Joker to justice is likely to fail or backfire.
By THE JOKER JAN 12, 2021 · 7:47 AM
It’s been a traumatizing couple of weeks in Gotham City, full of unthinkable violence and chaos. We’ve all seen the appalling footage: the exploding shark, the pier bombing, and the United World Organization building—until last week, a powerful symbol of the democratic hopes of the entire world—being invaded, vandalized, and defiled by the “United Underworld,” an alliance of the city’s most dastardly criminals: Catwoman, the Penguin, the Riddler, and even the Joker, the coolest supervillain of them all (although his role in the plot was very minor or maybe even nonexistent, from what I’m hearing). People across Gotham are frustrated and angered, and the vicious, unwarranted vigilante attack launched by so-called crime fighters Batman and Robin against the crew of a whimsically decorated Navy surplus submarine in Gotham Harbor did nothing to lower the emotional temperature.
Now it appears that Commissioner Gordon and Chief O’Hara are planning to bring criminal charges against the ringleaders of the United Underworld. This is a grave mistake. Our great city should be looking forward right now, not dwelling on the past. A trial would only dredge up traumatic memories and evidence of the terror unleashed by the Penguin, the Riddler, Catwoman, and possibly others. Criminal trials should not occur in the heat of the moment, if ever, and I fear that investigating this shameful incident any further would only be inflammatory and incriminating.
Wednesday 6 January 2021
Well, America sure was nice while it lasted.
Tuesday 22 December 2020
Four days before Christmas, while the nation was busy with other, bigger problems, the Virginia-sponsored statue of Robert E. Lee was quietly removed from the U.S. Capitol.
Each state has two statues in the Capitol, most in the National Statuary Hall. But the hall isn't large enough for 100 statues, so some had been moved to other locations, including the Crypt below the Rotunda. It's called the Crypt because it was originally intended to be the final resting place of the mortal remains of America's patron saint: George Washington. That made it a fitting place for a statue of Washington's great-grandson-in-law.
The statue is being moved to a history museum, which is frankly a far more suitable location for the man famous as leader of the slave-owning armies in the War Between the States. It'd be nice to say that Lee's statue was the last Civil War remnant in the Capitol. However, Statuary Hall still includes monuments to Confederate Colonel Zebulon Vance (sponsored by North Carolina), Lieutenant General Wade Hampton (South Carolina), General Joseph Wheeler (Alabama), Vice President Alexander Stephens (Georgia), and Jefferson Davis (Mississippi). Maybe you can see a theme there.
Prior to this year, I believed we should preserve all works of art, even those that could serve as political propaganda for causes of hatred. While I never thought such pieces belonged in the same building as the working seat of government, the current political climate has me thinking that maybe museums are also too public. There are very clearly too many in this country willing to use the imagery of the past for their own political purposes without regard to the damage they inflict on others. That's just plain wrong.
The ancient Olmecs, like us, used to make giant statues of their leaders. Then, when the leaders fell from power, the statues were disfigured and buried so that the people could move on without being encumbered by old grudges and failed ideologies. I'm increasingly of the opinion that might not be such a bad idea.
Tuesday 8 December 2020
Per the United Press Syndicate:
Nov. 25 (UPI) -- A hunter in the Czech Republic was charged by a deer that snagged the man's gun on its antlers and fled into the woods with the weapon, police said.
Police said another hunter reported spotting a deer with a rifle dangling from its antlers more than half a mile from the scene.
Investigators said the hunter was required to report the loss of the rifle under the Czech Republic's Firearms and Ammunition Act.
I'm not going to lie; it's kind of comforting to know that not *everything* has gone upside down in 2020.
The Great Deer Uprising: continuing unabated since 2010.
"Hunter Holding A Rifle Looks Peevishly At A Deer" by Edward Koren