She used to be such a good dog

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The Atlanta Journal-Constitution carried a report yesterday about a Florida woman who wants to change her 4-year-old son's name, currently Spurrier Urban Wiley, now that former University of Florida coach Urban Meyer is the coach for Ohio State University. Everything about this story can and should be used as an argument for why no one should ever let their friends attend the University of Florida.

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I think Google is trying to tell me something, but I'll be damned if I know what it is.

The above chart is Google's interpretation of traffic flow here at For the past 30 days, I've averaged better than 17 hits per day. (Do I even know 17 people?) Most of those people came directly to the site without search engine assistance. (That's a lot of typos.) However, the reason I show this is to point out that the three primary keyword searches that are sending people to this site are

  1. spandex man
  3. gay batman

It seems that I've developed a particular audience. Well, if that's what you want, that's what you'll get:

He's talking about a fist fight, people! giving the people what they want since 2003.

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Michelin has been running animated tire commercials in a heavy rotation during this football season. I assume that they are hoping it will gain their product some traction with the NFL's truck-buying audience. Typically, the commercials roll along at a fun clip, however, the commercial for their Primacy MXM4 comes up a little flat. Read the following transcript of actor John Doman's voice-over narration and see if you can't figure out where I think the commercial runs off the road:

Max and his son made their way homeward bound
when mischievous rain dropped down, down, down.
Safety was threatened by every roguish drip.
They slipped and slid. They couldn't get a grip
Then along came the Michelin Man reminding them the right tire changes everything.
So with Michelin tires rainy days werent so tricky.
Stop up to 29 feet shorter than the leading competitor with the Michelin tire.
Michelin: a better way forward.

Bound is to down as drip is to grip. Then along came the Michelin Man to ruin a good rhyme. If that's what the Michelin Man does to smoothly running cadence, I'm pretty sure I don't want him anywhere near my car.

You can see the whole commercial at Your mileage may vary.

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Reign of the Deer: The Great Deer Uprising continues to make in-roads amongst the hearts and minds of the populace here in Newnan. One house nearby appears to have established a totem to our inevitable deer overlords.

Oh, deer.

This deer nativity scene is complete with a glowing moon, which any cervidaepologist worth his salt knows must be some sort of religious symbol for deer. All evil creatures, like deer and vampires, worship the moon. It's a commonly known fact.

The lawn of the house across the street features an inflatable Snoopy wearing a Santa Claus outfit. If the oncoming Deer Uprising does nothing other than abolish such nonsense as that, I think we can all agree that it will have been worth it.

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In the past month, researchers at Yale University released a study revealing that sugar-sweetened soft drink manufacturers, especially Coca-Cola Company, have drastically increased their marketing to young children in recent years. The American Beverage Association responded: "This report is another attack by known critics in an ongoing attempt to single out one product as the cause of obesity when both common sense and widely accepted science have shown that the reality is far more complicated."

In the past month, researchers employed by the University of Oklahoma concluded a study that links consumption of sugary drinks with heart disease in women. The American Beverage Association responded: "This type of study cannot show that drinking sugar-sweetened beverages causes increased risk for cardiovascular disease. It simply looks at associations between the two, which could be the result of numerous other confounding factors."

In the past month, researchers in the U.S. Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration calculated that American emergency room visits related to energy drinks have increased more than tenfold in in the past 6 years. The American Beverage Association responded: "This paper is a troubling example of statistics taken out of context. The number of emergency room visits by people who consumed energy drinks, as reported in the paper, represented less than one one-hundredth of 1% of all emergency visits."

In the past month, researchers for Consumer Reports found that 10% of commercially available apple juice exceeded the federal standard for arsenic in water. The American Beverage Association responded: "In fact, this latest report once again uses federal drinking water standards in its analysis of juice -- in no way comparing apples to apples and only creating confusion."

Today, the John C. Whitehead School of Diplomacy and International Relations at Seton Hall University will present their 2011 Global Citizen of the Year Award to Susan Neely, the President and CEO of the American Beverage Association. The American Heritage Dictionary responded: "irony (i'·ro·ny): 1. The use of words to express something different from and often opposite to their literal meaning. 2. An occurrence, result, or circumstance notable for such incongruity."

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You may remember my post earlier this year about a dying Superman writing his name on the moon? Well, apparently DC thought it was a great idea. Five years later, they had another character give it a shot.

World's Finest #165. In this issue: Superman watches someone die!

This time around, it's Superman watching a different character spelling his name on the moon. "What irony!" proclaims Batman upon hearing Superman's tale of the criminal's demise. What irony, indeed.

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Returning to my neighborhood following an errand yesterday, I was surprised to see a single woman walking an entire pack of dogs down the street. As I approached, I noticed that two of the dogs were standard poodles, one white and one black. Those sure look like my dogs, I thought. It turns out that they were.

As I stopped the Jeep, I could see that the woman was walking her black Labrador on a leash. Following her were several dogs of various sizes. All wore collars, but none wore a leash. And all of them belonged to my family. I asked the lady, "What are you doing with my dogs?"

Her response was simply, "I figured they must belong to somebody." Unless she knows some way to teach poodles to groom themselves, that's a pretty safe assumption.

My July and Victoria quickly recognized me and willingly jumped into my car. (Although I think they probably would have jumped into just about anyone's car. They love car rides.) Leslie's two dogs were next: Charlie accepted by help up into the Jeep, but Rudy, recognizing my intent, sprinted back home at top speed, refusing to surrender his new found freedom.

I eventually returned home and wrangled the mass back into my yard. It turns out that my mother and brother had put the animals in the yard mere minutes earlier, unaware that the gate to the driveway had been left open. They both got a piece of my mind -- a loud, angry piece.

At least no one was lost or hurt. And the dogs got a taste of adventure. Hopefully, it was enough to last them a lifetime, because I don't plan to duplicate that mistake.

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Thanksgiving leftovers, doggy style

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After last week's UGA game, I dropped in at the Athens' Bear Hollow zoo to check in with the zoo's resident Bald Eagle, Amazon. Because of a wing injury, she can't fly. Therefore, she spends most of her time limping around her enclosure and glaring at the other animals and visitors. I totally respect that.

To be expected on a pretty Saturday afternoon, we weren't alone at the zoo. A boisterous crowd of youths were shouting, laughing, and generally disturbing the peace of the late afternoon at the zoo. There were also several zoo workers having a conversation as they began the process of closing the park for the day.

Zookeeper 1: "Individually, they are probably passive and easy to work with. But let them get together and they're just like any other pack. They'll follow the alpha and make a lot of noise marking their territory."

Zookeeper 2: "That just makes them typical teenagers."

Somewhere behind me, Amazon shook her cane in the air at those damn kids on her lawn.

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To be continued...