On Friday, Major League Baseball, Warner Bros, the New York Yankees, and DC Comics came together in an orgy of corporate synergy to distribute these free to fans attending the Yankees/Orioles baseball game:

Judge homered in the game (which the Yankees ended up losing 5-3), but as MLB.com reports:

As for the bobbleheads? They were a hot item, distributed to the first 18,000 guests through the Stadium’s gates, but even the man of honor said he had yet to receive one.

"I haven’t seen it. I didn’t get one down here," Judge said, with a grin. "I've got to make a phone call."

Don't worry, Aaron. You don't want one. They messed up the "S."

Comments (0) | Leave a Comment | Tags: baseball superman toys

McFarlane Toys recently announced a new line of Batman cowl replicas. The "replica" in the name is important, because these cowls have never been worn by the actual Batman.

My topmost bookshelf currently showcases a Golden Age Superman statue, a battery-powered Star Trek TOS starship Enterprise, a Judge Dredd badge with my name on it, V.I.N.cent, Captain Carrot, and Booster Gold inaction figures and a life-size Batman Begins Halloween pail. The red-headed stepchild there is the Halloween pail. I'm not a big fan of the Batman Begins version of Batman, and it would be nice to replace the piercing gaze of that blue-eyed plastic pail with something less horrifying.

The new McFarlane cowls represent the 1966 television Batman, the 1989 movie Batman, and the 1993 comic book Batman. I like the idea of them, but I cannot bring myself to order one. For one thing, as I mentioned, they are stiff plastic replicas. More importantly, they are only 1:3 scale.

As everyone knows, the average American's head is about 9.5 inches high. (Batman is slightly larger than the average American, so assume his head is closer to 10 inches tall, not counting the pointy ears.) That means that a 1:3 scale cowl would only fit a 3-inch tall head! The packaging says they're about 7 inches tall with stand and pointy ears. If I put a 3-inch hood on my shelf, I'm worried it won't look so much like a Batman tribute as something I stole it from a racist Smurf.

So for the time being, I guess I'm sticking with plastic Christian Bale. On the bright side, his head can hold several bags of Halloween candy, and that's not nothing.

Comments (0) | Leave a Comment | Tags: batman captain carrot judge dredd star trek superman toys walter

Stuffed animals often become a comforting, reassuring presence for their owners, and 2020 was a terrible year. Put those two things together, and you might have predicted a stuffed animal boom in 2021. But did you realize what form they'd take?

If you said teddy bears or puppy dogs, you haven't been paying attention to pop culture lately.

That last one there is a tie-in with the unmemorable Emoji Movie, which reminds me that back in the day my brother had a stuffed, vinyl E.T. doll that I found particularly unattractive. I owe you an apology, 1982 E.T.

Comments (0) | Leave a Comment | Tags: dear diary fuck you america movies piles of shit toys

I feel like the recent announcement that Hasbro is dropping the "Mr." and "Mrs." from their Potato Head toys is something that I should be blogging about. It's exactly the sort of inconsequential bit of nostalgic pop-culture bullshit for an overgrown man-child to rant sarcastically about.

However, in 2021, if I make a joke about a plastic potato no longer having a penis, that means I qualify to be a panelist on Fox News. Good grief. (Fun fact: Fox News much prefers their plastic potatoes to have vaginas as God intended.)

These days, everything is a political weapon. From which fast food you have for lunch to which comic books you read to whether you take steps to prevent the spread of disease, every goddamn thing is now a cudgel that someone will use to drive their agenda against you.

Has it always been this way? Was I just not paying attention before? When did everyone get so sensitive? Wokeness is fucking exhausting. We could use some laughter to break this tension, but someone is sure to take that personally.

Way to suck the fun out of a toy, everybody.

Comments (1) | Leave a Comment | Tags: news politics rant toys walter

Finally! An appropriate thing to be made in the shape of a poo emoji!

Go ahead. Squeeze it.

"Best for photo ops" it says. I mean, yeah, I suppose if you are determined to take a photo of your dog eating poo, better this than the real thing.

Comments (0) | Leave a Comment | Tags: dogs fuck you america piles of shit toys

As if being pegged by a dodgeball wasn't bad enough...

Thanks for nothing, Aldi.

Comments (0) | Leave a Comment | Tags: fuck you america internet piles of shit toys

It's poo! It's a unicorn! It's a Poonicorn!

What will they think of next? I hope I don't find out.

Comments (0) | Leave a Comment | Tags: brian friends fuck you america internet piles of shit toys

When I started this series of posts, I thought that the shit emoji must be a fad that would lose its appeal over time. I was wrong.

Yes, I showed you a floating pile of shit last year, but that one was recommended for ages 9 and up. This one is suitable for 7-year-olds. Next year expect shit-shaped water wings.

Comments (0) | Leave a Comment | Tags: fuck you america internet piles of shit toys

Mom spotted this "not gross at all" product at the dollar store:

She told me that she had to take a second glance at the "slimy and sticky" blurb. On first glance, she thought it said "scratch and sniff." She couldn't believe that anyone would want scratch and sniff poo.

It wasn't 30 minutes later when we found this on an endcap at Michaels:

I admit it; I scratched, and I sniffed. Do you want to smell my finger?

Comments (0) | Leave a Comment | Tags: family fuck you america internet mom piles of shit toys

Poo you hit with a stick.

I'm afraid to think what might come out.

Comments (0) | Leave a Comment | Tags: fuck you america internet piles of shit toys