Showing 1 - 10 of 46 posts found matching keyword: great deer uprising of 2010
Tuesday 8 March 2022
All has been quiet on the Great Deer Uprising front for the past year. You might think that means the war is over, but you'd be wrong. The deer have just been preoccupied building WMDs.
From The New York Times:
Scientists have identified a new, highly mutated version of the coronavirus in whitetailed deer in southwestern Ontario, one that might have been evolving in animals since late 2020.
They also found a similar viral sequence in one person in the area who had close contact with deer, the first evidence of possible deer-to-human transmission of the virus.
The 1925 Geneva Convention specifically bans biological weapons in warfare, but deer never signed the damn thing!
He is wearing this mask for his protection, not yours!
Hey, humanity. If we can't start pulling together, those hooved bastards are going to take us out. And the worst part is I'll be dead and unable to say "I told you so."
Tuesday 8 December 2020
Per the United Press Syndicate:
Nov. 25 (UPI) -- A hunter in the Czech Republic was charged by a deer that snagged the man's gun on its antlers and fled into the woods with the weapon, police said.
Police said another hunter reported spotting a deer with a rifle dangling from its antlers more than half a mile from the scene.
Investigators said the hunter was required to report the loss of the rifle under the Czech Republic's Firearms and Ammunition Act.
I'm not going to lie; it's kind of comforting to know that not *everything* has gone upside down in 2020.
The Great Deer Uprising: continuing unabated since 2010.
"Hunter Holding A Rifle Looks Peevishly At A Deer" by Edward Koren
Monday 2 November 2020
Reported by the Newnan Times-Herald on October 29, 2020:
Players, parents rattled after shots fired near Senoia ballfield
After the second shot, players were lying on the ground in the dugout, according to parents from one of the teams playing.
Adam Griffin said he yelled for everybody to get off the field, and by the time he got to the dugout, the coach had the boys lying face down in the dirt.
Griffin, a military veteran who served time in Iraq said he picked up his stepson and directed everyone to go into the bathroom – the safest place. Once all the kids were safely inside, he said he went back out.
That’s when someone yelled "it's only a deer."
After that, everyone came out of where they were hiding and the game resumed.
Because everyone knows those stupid deer can barely hold guns, much less aim them.
Wednesday 12 February 2020
"Deer Runs Over Man" reads the headline accompanying the eye-catching video. The full story is somewhat more sinister:
Just after noon Retired detective Ken Worthy had just exited a McDonald's in the small town of Locust, North Carolina — "A City With a Soul" — when he was ambushed by a deer.
"We were walking out with our Cokes," said the victim, "and, uh, you look both ways and I... my wife caught a look. I looked literally just saw him the last second, and he collided with me. I was down."
Sure, this deer drive-by looks comical because it didn't happen to you, but don't be fooled! Any attack on Coca-Cola and McDonald's is an attack on America!
They can take our Cokes, but they can never take our freedom!
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Saturday 25 January 2020
The Hollywood Reporter reports the totally inevitable news that Disney is remaking Bambi as a "live-action feature" as a "companion piece to its remakes The Jungle Book and The Lion King." I can't tell you how much it bothers me that Disney insists on calling its computer-generated eye-candy "live-action." I also can't tell you exactly why.
A large part of it must be related to my distaste for Disney itself. I once had a great deal of respect for the company that Walt built on the back of an animated mouse. Mr. Disney was an imperfect man, but he really did believe in making disposable entertainment into art. His successors less so. These days, the powers-that-be at Disney are obsessed solely in their quest to be the only entertainment company on earth. They'll do anything that gets them an extra almighty dollar, mostly including exploiting pre-packaged nostalgia for Walt's corpse.
However, a bigger problem is the lie itself. Computers are powerful, but outside of Weird Science, they remain incapable of breathing life into binary code. Nothing about The Lion King was live action, but Disney has been very careful to avoid saying so. (For example, they refused to submit the movie for consideration for Best Animated Feature Film Oscar.) I don't know why. Movies aren't real to begin with, so why mislead people about how they are made?
It increasingly looks like we're living in a post-truth society. The man in the White House can't say two sentences without a lie. Facebook will not restrict political campaigns from spreading intentional, demonstrable mistruths in paid advertising. Enemy states are using face-switching technology to promote propaganda on social media. With politicians already doing such a great job at it, why should we let corporations continue to degrade America's tenuous grasp on "reality" any further?
Sigh. I know I'm over-reacting. It's just promotional press for a movie that I won't watch. (Unless they shoot Bambi this time.) I know I'm just getting old and weary. But these uncontested, re-reported lies are really starting to get to me. It feels like 1984 is getting closer ever day, and now it's coming soon to a theater near you.
Thursday 1 August 2019
I see deer everywhere these days. Literally every day. Deer here, deer there, deer everywhere. That's not paranoia talking, either. I have pictures!
Ok. That's not a great picture. But that really is a deer, and it was only the first of four I saw last night!
Even if you go to bed at sundown, you probably know that after dark suburban neighborhoods are teaming with raccoons, possums, and armadillos roaming between the religiously maintained lawns and hedges. Owls can be heard marking their treetop territory, and it's not summer without bats overhead hunting gnats and mosquitoes. Those critters are everywhere, but they're small. Deer are big, larger than dogs. You think you'd notice if they were around. Don't be fooled.
I've been letting Dad's dogs out at about 2AM for the past two months. Almost every night, I see deer. This week alone, on Sunday, I spotted a pair of does napped by a fence. On Monday a family of four walked calmly across the road in front of my car. On Tuesday another grazed at the end of the driveway without regard for my presence. The dogs chased it away briefly; then it came back and finished its meal. That was a determined, hungry deer.
Where do these deer go every day? Do they have a lair? Do they retreat to their secret underground deer cave? Do they squat in abandoned crack houses? (Dad watches a lot of Ancient Aliens on History Channel. He'd probably insist they go back to their spaceships.)
I'm not trying to be an alarmist about this. It's too late to build a wall. Deer. Are. Everywhere. It's time to stop fighting them and learn to live in harmony. And build bigger gardens: deer eat a lot of greens.
Sunday 9 June 2019
The Fort Worth Star-Telegram reports
A Texas homeowner heard glass breaking and called the police in Lufkin, Texas on June 6, 2019. She hid in the closet as officers responded.
The police arrived in riot gear with guns drawn to save this poor lady from the ruffian vandal who was tearing apart her home. To their credit, they successfully cornered the perpetrator red-hooved.
The whole experience was caught on their body cams.
To my great surprise, the deer was not shot. I can only surmise that it was because he wasn't wearing a hoodie.
Instead, the police let the deer escape out the front door. That may seem kind-hearted, but the deer will only become emboldened by its brush with the law and repeat its crime spree again. You can't be nice to their kind. Kindness only breeds more deer, and who wants that?
Locked doors are not enough. It's time to start barring the windows and packing shotguns if you intend to survive the Great Deer Uprising.
Friday 14 December 2018
The good news about Global Warming: fewer deer.
According to a report issued by the American Geophysical Research Union, Arctic reindeer population has fallen by 50% in the past 20 years. It's possible that the end of the species is in sight. Hooray!
Just think, one blissful day, children across the world won't be able to differentiate 8 tiny reindeer from 8 dead dodos.
The long war between mankind and deerkind may finally be nearing the end. And we only had to kill the entire ecosystem to do it. What a small price to pay for total global dominance. Way to go, humanity!
Saturday 14 July 2018
For eight-and-a-half years, I've been warning you about the greatest threat known to man. According to recent news reports, you're finally starting to listen.
"Killer deer terrorizing pets, people in Peachtree City" (11alive.com)
"Attack of the Peachtree City deer without fear" (TheCitizen.com)
"Bully Bambi: Deer targets neighborhood dogs, one dead" (CBS46.com)
That's right: They're here! They're deer! Get used to it!
According to the reports, deer have been terrorizing dogs in Peachtree City, a community of golf carts and more golf carts. Full disclosure: I lived in Peachtree City for about half a year in 1988. It was not a happy time, but that doesn't mean that I wish deer on them. I wouldn't wish deer on anyone.
Why would the deer attack dogs? Obviously because dogs are man's best friends. Those bastards!
"So what?" say the Cat People. "Deer on dog violence is not our problem." You bastards! Deer on dog violence is everyone's problem! Once they're done with the dogs, do you think they'll just go away? No! First dogs, then cats, then I-don't-know-what, but it won't be good!
Act now! Teach your dog to attack deer on sight. Your life (and theirs) might depend on it.
Saturday 28 April 2018
Legal humor website LoweringtheBar.com has reviewed the list of Official Georgia State things (specifically, "Georgia Code Title 50 Chapter 3 Article 3: Other State Symbols") and given our list of stuff the respect it deserves. (By which I mean "none.")
Of course, I had previously decried that as of 2015, the state mammal is officially the White-Tailed Deer. (You fools!) But seeing it again in print made me do a little more research.
Somehow I had missed this 2016 AJC article in which State Representative Carolyn Hugley of Columbus assured her concerned colleagues that the new amendment to the Georgia Code wouldn't "prevent anyone from eating the animal." Hooray! Venison jerky for everyone!
It's a good thing that being an Official State thing doesn't prevent consumption of that thing. Otherwise, the Vidalia Onions (State Vegetable), peanuts (State Crop), and grits (State Prepared Food) industries would be in trouble. That's not such good news for the Southern Appalachian brook trout (State Cold Water Game Fish), green tree frog (State Amphibian), or Pogo (State 'Possom — yes, the apostrophe is written into § 50-3-68 of the Georgia Code).
Naturally, this made me curious if there was any law on the books in Georgia that barred someone from eating something. I couldn't find one. There are lots of things you can't buy or sell, including substandard pecans (§ 2-14-63), unpasteurized milk (§ 26-2-242), and unregistered pacific white shrimp (§ 2-15-5), but nothing you're barred from actually chewing and swallowing. It seems even cannibalism is legal in Georgia. That's Southern hospitality for you! Eat up, ya'll.