The Miami Dolphins kickoff the 2026 season tomorrow in Las Vegas versus the Raiders. That bland, factual statement is the closest thing to a positive feeling I expect to be able to muster about the coming Dolphins' season.

There have been four teams in the AFC East since 2002, and during that time, the Dolphins have finished with the best record among the four exactly zero times. That streak won't change in 2026. This shouldn't even count as a rebuilding year considering that none of the players on the current roster are likely to be around in three years; seven of the team's top eight highest paid players are already on the rosters of other teams. Fun fact: for every $1 the Dolphins are paying active players, they are paying $1.84 to players on other teams. If Henry Ford had run his business that way, we'd all still be riding horses.

It's not only all the losing that gets me down. I've been a Georgia Bulldogs fan long enough to be certain that I take much less satisfaction in my team being a champion than I get from watching the weekly struggle to climb that mountain. I crave not validation at the end of the season but the momentary distraction, the passing entertainment of each play. Sadly, there is no entertainment in most Dolphins games, where the very definition of mediocrity is put to a practical test. Flip a coin, be outcoached and outplayed for sixty minutes, repeat. As an artist, I can honestly say that I really have had better times watching paint dry.

The 2023 season was fun and recent enough that I can still remember what watching an enjoyable Dolphins game felt like. Long passes! Punishing runs! Sustained drives! A chance at second place in the division! But watching the physical/mental implosion of Tua Tagovailoa and Tyreek Hill in real time until the entire team is dismantled for parts robs one of any lingering joie de vivre. The memory of the brief good times only makes the return of the chronic malady worse.

Still, I have to admit it could be worse. I could be a Browns fan. I know one. I've never seen him watch a football game. I'm starting to think he has the right idea.

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What makes American superhero comic books so great?

Exhibit one, your honor:

Injustice 2 #16, January 2018

Trash cans are a cowardly and superstitious lot.

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Yesterday, on the first day of a three-day weekend, with an outside high temperature of 96°, my father's 14-year-old air conditioning unit went out, presumably because it was over taxed.

Also yesterday, my 3-year-old hot water heater went out, presumably because the water is coming in hot enough without it.

I find the timing curious. Of all the days this equipment could fail, they both chose a day that put a potential repairman the farthest away. I wouldn't have expected these machines to read a calendar, but it sure seems too improbable to just be a coincidence. Perhaps a Maximum Overdrive scenario?

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College football isn't the only thing that's fucked up in 2026. Everything is fucked up in 2026. Including Batman.

Back in April, DC Comics published their latest annual "event" story in which the biggest names (read: most economically valuable intellectual property) in the DC Universe had to fight to the death to earn the power to — I shit you not — stop a guy from killing everyone. In the fourth issue of that awful series, Batman violates his no-kill rule by cheerfully driving a stake through the Joker's chest (thus saving his pal Superman's life so that Superman could... kill Lex Luthor with heat vision). Does Batman ever express remorse for this? No. Like everyone else involved in this story, he sensibly chooses to pretend it never happened.

Seriously. Don't read this story.

This approach to storytelling explains why I don't buy or read Batman comic books anymore. The same guy who wrote this event story is also the guy who writes the industry's best-selling comic, Absolute Batman, which, based on sales numbers, must be *everybody* else's Batman. The first issue is now on its twelfth printing in just 20 months. That's crazy. It took twelve *years* for The Killing Joke to get a twelfth printing. At this point, I might be the only person who hasn't bought a copy of this thing. And I absolutely still won't. Absolute Batman is just a broke asshole on steroids. None for me, thank you.

My Batman is this badass who forces his son to spank pirates with swords:

"Blackbeard's Crew and the Yacht Society," Batman #4, Winter 1941

Show 'em how it's done, boys.

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86/2656. It! The Terror from Beyond Space (1958)
This sci-fi horror is essentially the same plot as Alien, which just goes to show how much of Alien's success is atmosphere (and Signorney Weaver).

87/2657. They Cloned Tyrone (2023)
Blaxploitation meets Twilight Zone. It's incredibly well done, with a great cast. Just brilliant.

88/2658. Blues in the Night (1941)
Does this musical really count as film noir? It's got the look and a protagonist put upon by fate (and a dead baby!), but it really feels more like a 1930s Warner Bros gangster movie than post-War noir.

89/2659. Little Miss Marker (1980)
A depression-era rom-com staring the unlikely pair of Julie Andrews and Walter Matthau. Matthau is great and the role is perfect for him, but I can't escape the impression that Julie Andrews could do better.

90/2660. Little Miss Marker (1934)
This is the Shirley Temple original with a similar premise but very different execution. I like the Matthau version better.

91/2661. Irma la Douce (1963)
Why is this movie so long? Why does lead Shirley MacLaine seem so indifferent to being in it? Must Jack Lemon be so annoying? I did not love it.

More to come.

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